I need to stop listening to the
music that makes me say these things
that really should remain unspoken
or at least no more than implied.
I held myself back for so long
but nothing seems to keep me
from wanting you to join me
and hear these songs by my side.
I wish I could tell you in words
why I'm so afraid to say all these
things which mean so much to me
and to you perhaps in time.
But instead I mess up and use far
too many ellipses to show you how
nervous I am but all they do
is confuse and remove all rhyme

So the new year begins,
Why should it be any different?
Nothing really changed beyond the smoke in the air
from all the fireworks just like every year,
and that will soon drift away.
Does it really mean all that much?
The broken resolutions simply remind
us of our temptations.
But maybe it could be better, I think to myself.
Optimism seems useless but in the end
it is better than giving up hope,
and better is what I want to be.

Here we are, all drowned in the unimportant things,
Sat around, lazy, sipping on drinks and waiting.
Laughter and smiles around, though there's no point to it,
Or because there's no point to it,
And not one wants it to end.

As I tap out the rhythm of another song I've never heard,
My gaze drifts from face to face,
All bright (though one is sleeping) and no worries taking over.
Tonight is not about me nor any one of us,
So we all share a while, a meal and a game.

We made it through again,
It was tough this time around,
Trials, barriers, disappointments,
Sadness, loss and doubts,
But we mark this day - an arbitrary date -
To remind ourselves, that the past,
Can go to bed,
And the future charges faster,
And fills our hearts instead.

To the semi-conscious mind of a child barely starting school,
The mind makes demons of the unknown,
Self-formed beasts,
Ready to feast,
To chase you to bed in the night.

And as the child grows and learns of real monsters,
Of fire and sharks and running out of air,
Chained back, shapes grow,
Shadows rose,
The mind's self-torture closes in on truth.

But as child becomes student, bigger concerns
than death or danger plague the mind
The nightmares of sharks replaced with
Nightmarish marks,
Anticipated failure paints the dark.

I want to be the voice I've never heard before,
I want to hear the sailing notes that I've been striving for,
If I can't find the light to lead me - I'll carve the path alone,
If no other song is sounding, mine will be the leading tone.

Have I fallen again from deeper to deepest?
That moment reshaping my awoken heart,
Cannot stop searching, and found to be found
Confusing, unsettling, and pulling apart
in self-inflicted scraps that never solved
Anything.

The fire is growing, there's smoke in the air,
The blood is flowing, filling your stare,
Come on, let's go, before it's too late,
Don't leave me here, we both can escape,
That look, I see, your foolish demise,
You'd burn to the ground, the ultimate prize?
You've waited too long! This will not end well!
Come on then, Dorian! I'll meet you in hell!

Perhaps what I never knew,
I never needed to know,
For otherwise what would be the point
in revelations or epiphanies?
Or those floods of emotion that drown you
in immeasurable feelings reaching dimensions
you never knew your soul had?
Some truths are kept hidden by
coincidence, circumstance, caution,
fear.
But truth must come in time,
And all at once in unfathomable blessings
from the heavens and sorrow of the Earth.
Honesty waits, patient as love,
Or love itself, perhaps,
Until our lives intersect,
And all at once, reality is shown.

Unwrapping gifts
Is not all it's about
But this year I know they mean
A little bit more,
This year I open up promises,
Of continued love and honest support,
And in a box of eyeshadow,
I find 12 shades of "Yes, this is okay"
And "You can be pretty"
And around my neck, a brand new scarf,
That goes so well with my favourite coat,
That says "Go on, be our beautiful girl"
"We will keep you warm and safe"
So yes, the family and love are more important,
But those gifts are reminders,
Hope in the dark times,
That I will always have a home,
And parents who love me.

Staring at the ceiling
As I always did,
My sleep disturbed by childish excitement
And anticipation
Curiosity blurring all other thoughts,
I won't sleep yet, I know,
But I must
So that my eyes open
To the brightest day of winter.

No formula but instinct,
No instinct 'till inspired
The words which were a waste
I'd dedicate them to the fire
I asked for no commission,
My mission self-acquired,
To document my ambling,
Through this life 'till I retire,
And in typing up my days,
I found new ways were required,
To describe the very details,
Of the details I desired,
To paint a perfect picture,
Needs time to restyle,
But my words are rough,
And that's enough to sketch a meaning higher,
Than any pure or filtered words,
I leave them unrefined,
Waste is left behind, indeed,
But the product's graced with spines,
I question all, leave none untouched,
When I dive into your minds,
I see past the deception,
I speak out and shout your lies,
Sure, I write of all things beautiful,
Of love, of all things nice,
But make no mistake, this girl will make,
Her words stand for light.

So I am saved,
By just a tune in my head,
Surpassing all fear.

Wrapped around my wrist,
A trap, a catch,
The colour (black) defines me,
And with that pigment,
Justified hatred poured out,
Absolute disgust at my disagreement
with their designation of who I must be.

Each blow to my chest flattens the skin,
Beats me closer to submission,
Crushes my every chance at hope,
The cracked screen offers no escape,
Only the pain and punches offer
"Truth."

The vicious hunger in his eyes
Tells me I'm as good as dead,
And worse to him.
I am nothing but a sickness.

Run, flee, from the horrors inside,
The secrets, the words, so desperate to hide,
The fear is held, it never fades,
It's growing and boiling, and churning away,
That face, those teeth, rotting to dust,
The eyes, crawling, swimming with lust,
But pain and torture are too much to stay,
So lose yourself, Dorian, before it's too late.

The blue of the day is muddied into grey,
Littered with smoky clouds,
Colour sapped from the world,
Reds and greens all become brown.

The sun runs out of steam,
Freewheeling into night,
Letting twilight take its hand,
And drag away the bright.

A brief hint of purple,
Before blue, navy and black,
Broken up with pinpricks,
Glistening, flickering back.

In between the presents and the
shallow hopes for snow
and remembering the "more than presents"
nature of it all
a sense of relief, that we needed this,
that we can all stop, finally, worrying,
at least for a few days, it becomes natural
to ignore all the difficulties, all the stress,
and just smile, as if nothing is wrong.

Straining to reach the notes,
Stretching to soar above all,
And deliver some message beyond words,
Outside reason and apart from logic,
And behind the sound, I must make it sound
As if I am simply singing,
Into the brass tunnels and letting them
Turn my song to music.

Upon the hills this morn
a soft mist lingers
the haze broken only where
sunlight shines harshly on rooftops
and rivers.

A border of trees between our
clear skies and the gentle smoke
across the valley
here the air takes nothing away
from the beauty around.

Sheep graze, heads down
never pausing to look
unlike the birds, who take in all
they can with tiny beads
of eyes.

The clouds are moving fast today
in utter stillness they run
across my view until they are
gone. Or I lose
patience.

Shaky steps in brand-new heels I've barely owned a day,
A soft dress around my shoulders, clinging tight to my waist,
No noise as I sit, the stool scraping on the floor,
An echo as I move the microphone to pick my voice up more,
"I'm not actually on stage," I say, more to myself all in all,
I rest my foot upon the pedals, let the first note ring through the hall,
And suddenly I'm playing, I'm saying what I think,
And they all hear, draw near as each finger sinks,
The words I wrote mean far more than faking 'Christmas cheer'
They are mine, my hopes, my plan, my next and next new year,
Take a hand: Dance.

In the centre of an infinite darkness,
A speck of grey lit up,
And stretched out in all directions,
In unfathomably intricate arcs,
Etching into the void,
Shapes, patterns, pictures,
Perfectly balanced and fading to white,
Then bursting to yellow,
Flames lighting up the landscape,
Angry, raging, calming,
Settling down into blue-green,
The arcs trickle like ice on a window
leaving trails as they melt,
Until a single drop stains the fabric,
And from it fractals flower,
Creating colour from dust,
Love from air,
And shining in the empty eternity,
Radiating an energy unknown to science:
Life.

"It's just a cry for help."

A stricken vessel sends out its SOS,
Fires its flares, cries out "Mayday!"
As control is lost, the black waves taste their prey,
Reaching around the ship, gripping tight,
Dragging down the chunk of metal no longer fit for use.

Those on-board abandon a lost cause,
Flee into life-rafts, barely staying above the surface,
Leaving the captain alone, with no hope,
No crew, and no reply from beyond the storm-battered windows.

Perhaps someone was listening,
Maybe one rescue crew was close enough,
Or one ship heard the call,
Would they act? Yes.
Because they could be the only ones who can save a life.

When left with no hope, we cry for help,
Even if we don't believe anyone will come,
In whatever way we can,
Because someone might notice,
Someone might care,
Someone might save us.

"Just"* a cry for help?

Begging, urging,
Closer, closer still,
Mornings, days, nights,
Just more time to ****,
Longing, pleading,
Another second filled,
Laughing, crying, both
Emotions knocked and spilled,
Falling, falling,
Waiting, waiting 'till,
Boredom over tiring,
Becomes my bedtime pill.

Hear the same song, and feel it all again,
All the lumps in your throat,
And the tightening string around your heart,
Straining to keep it together,
The coarse twine scratching at your veins,
Binding the arteries that tried to burst.

Remember that line? When your fingers left mine,
So suddenly alone,
The bitter air taking taking your place,
Wrapping around my thumb,
Then dripping through my lungs,
Freezing the final words.

And if only you'd have stayed, what I tried to tell you,
Then you'd know,
All I needed was that promise we made,
To be kept to the end,
But friends before lovers never works out,
For better? No, always worse.

A rainbow of glows,
Scattered between needles,
Painted with soft scents,
Dripping down to the carpet
To join strips of silver
Shed before their time
Their brothers and sisters wrapped round
In pulsing waves around the monolith of cheer,
And between the proud branches,
Paintings lifted from canvas,
To decorate the eyes.

I wonder if they remember, amongst the streams of faces,
The ones that return again.
Do they do their job alone or accompany themselves
With the stories of those they serve
Perhaps they see the bad days and smile a little more
To take the edge off the pain
Do they see it turn around, the new starts and hopes of each
Or maybe they don't notice that another set of eyes, another order has with it, a life.

A buzz in my pocket halfway through physics,
A glance at the screen under the desk,
4 letters and I'm there:
Unlock, swipe, tap, type
And revealing the name I waited for.
Halfway through physics, 2 weeks before Christmas, offer 4 of 5.
My passion, my motivation, my drive -
My future, secure.

Time belongs to night,
The future to the dark,
Between the moon and stars,
Our lives are in shade,
Disordered and cluttered,
We don't know where to start,
Caught in frozen waters,
No direction, eyes too weak,
Lights drop into the puddles,
And fizzle out with no more,
Than an unseen ripple.

Seeing in my reflection,
Someone I don't know,
I used to see them everyday -
But that was long ago.

The sadness in his face,
Is matched by only sighs,
And the heavy will to keep on,
With weary, tiring eyes.

The flute calls out, leaping across bar-lines,
A girl, her eyes closed and hair loose,
Swaying in time, the instrument resting below her gentle lips,
Using her precious breath to grace the air,
With a pure beauty, as if calling to the rivers,
As if those notes were crafted for these hills,
And separated long ago,
But their connection only strengthened,
And now her breaths stir the grass,
And brush against the leaves.

Waiting, dry,
Stale silence sticks to my throat,
Flows through my head,
And sits in my skull:
Softly hissing,
Whines shake along my jaw,
Trembling across my neck.

In my solitude,
I punctuate the hollow room with
Tapping of fingers,
Fidgeting for the folly
Of pointless chatter
But finding only the grease and grime,
Of long gone dates and dateless days.

The counter holds more stories, but we forgot them all.

Falling foul to playing the part,
Two intense, no longer,
Now three-to-one,
And losing sight of the quarters that were mine,
Yet perfectly rising, harmony bold,
Still half-baked, at least in my head,
Not ready for heaven, and many more to go,
Before redivided, yet still the same
Purr against my heart, a nudge back,
And I stretch those old-new fingers once more.

I will not steal
Unoriginal streams
False flow frees no-one

With the ears still ringing, the lights come up,
And the crowd shuffles drunk to the doors,
The haze and blare of the show is gone,
replaced with cigarette smoke
and chatter.

And as the last few stumble out into the fresh winter air,
each with their throat stinging from
singing too hard,
that moment is shared.

They all hold the memories of a few hours,
Where nothing mattered but
honest angry songs and
having fun.

And in an hour, perhaps they'll all have headaches
or collapse, shattered wrecks on the streets,
but not one will regret that shared
moment of defiance.

A night of standing up and believing we don't have to
let the miserable world get to us.

An evening together, and for no purpose, and for only one reason:
Music.

Yes, we believe even now,
Just one defeat will not tear this movement down,
Perhaps it's the drink in our blood,
But we stand unafraid.

Yes, we keep on even so,
Rewriting all the rules, change all that we know,
Fill the streets with all the people on their feet,
And we'll remain.

And we'll rise with the colours and love in our hearts
Beating fast, beating clear,
And we'll stand hand in hand, arm in arm and we'll shout out the truth:
We won't let hate near,
And we'll dream of a world we long to see,
We believe we can let in the hope,
Let out the fear.

Now we gather ourselves,
Prepare for the night,
We won't fall to the dark,
We will bask in the light,
Even now, we're growing stronger with each simple breath in our lungs,
We stand true, we stand and fight.

We are broken, we are weary,
We are burdened by our fear,
We are searching for support,
But our allies disappear.

There is no use in pretending,
That the road we walk is short,
We can't let one setback stop us,
We must keep our goal in thought.
Don't give in,
We can win,
We must keep on believing.

We are chasing a beam; a glowing path in the dark
but as we start to get close, we're growing further apart
we're not leading the charge; we're falling into retreat
this is the hour we fall, the day of defeat,
we cannot go on if we just go on to lose
this is our chance, time for us to choose.

We carry love while they bicker and bite.
We share a hug while they share a light.
The fumes in the night are filling the air
but we are a people, and people should care
when their fellows are bleeding and scared,
so we offer all that we can spare.

We hold the flag of justice high,
with all its colours to the sky.
And though we cannot promise new lives,
we can build a home for all to find.
It's time we pull together not apart,
Remember, we all have a heart,
This is our moment to decide,
What kind of world we'd like to start.

A word.
Just one.
Repeating.
My vision blurring.
Blinking fast.
A warmth tingling across my skin.

A voice.
Not mine.
Repeating.
My head hazy.
Confusion.
But feel a clear change.

No more.
Same old.
Repeating.
Do as I say.
Speak up.
Be who I promised.

Back to reality,
One show over, another months away,
Refocus efforts, catch up those things we
brushed aside in our haste and worry.

Back to normal,
Though the memories remain strong,
Around me the stage-lights have faded,
Time to return to monotony.

Back to fear,
That spark in my nerves growing now,
That shudder in my shoulders as it nears,
Embark, escape, evade? Lose touch?

The applause still echoes in my head,
Close my eyes and their smiles, their tears, their laughter returns.
The 'thank you' sticks in my throat,
I did no more than have fun, but they used that moment,
And made it mean everything,
Made celebration into a statement,
A clarification,
Acceptance, pride.
And as the elation fades, the sun-hazed evening remains,
The shining words whisper in my ear,
The spotlight still warms me and fills my head with freedom.
This is success.
Worked for, bought with effort and
time and stress and plans.
We did it. We did it. We did it.

Chaos,
Crashing past before my still breaths,
While the rushed-off-feet rush to meet their dead-
-lines I stand firm.
My task yet to begin.
Slowly, I release the air through my mouth,
Three black-shirted figures striding, a quick
glance at me, the slimmest of smiles, then
gone.
A microphone placed in my gloved hand, an explanation,
Then I prepare, press my thumb and slide: 0 - mute - ON
My voice resonates, all that can be done is done,
The lights frantically tracing their carefully programmed paths,
Now it is my time, the closest of the front-of-housers,
The undeserving star, but it is my task:
*"Ladies and Gentlemen..."

It all comes together
The stage is almost set
The lights are in position
The mics are all in check
The costume has arrived
They’re ready for the acts
And all that's left to do
Raise the curtain, tip my hat

Hatred in his empty, staring eyes,
Thinks he's tough,
'Cause he always objectifies.

Anger sits between his brows,
Self-inflicted,
Brainless hurting, no-one laughing now.

Pointless venom drips across his tongue,
Waiting, bitter,
Until he's sure his bite has stung.

A growl against the window,
Rising pitch, becomes a roar,
Shaking, shuddering, a howl,
A rush of sharp air, joins the siege,
But held back,
Confined to beyond these walls,
No storm within, only peace,
Only calm, only safety.

Dear God, mother and father,
You created every part of me, blessed me with a soul,
Filled my heart with love, the world with colour,
Gave me freedom to make my own way.

Mother, I do not understand why I was forged within this body,
Why a girl would be placed within this shell,
But you have made me unique
And allowed me to feel true liberty.

Mother, you surrounded me with love,
With people who accept me as your daughter.
Thank you for them, and support them,
As they try to understand.

I am sorry, Father, for the times I did not trust,
When I believed my being was a punishment,
For when I failed to see your light,
And saw only shadows instead.

Thank you, Father, that you were always there,
And your hand kept me from falling too far.

Keep me safe from those who would harm me with words,
Let their hatred be drowned out by love,
Protect me from those who would hurt me,
Let their anger be calmed.

Thank you, Father, that I know I am safe here,
Please stay close to people like me who aren't safe,
And give them a place, somewhere to escape,
Somewhere to live without fear.

Mother, I pray for the future of this world,
When irrational hatred has faded away,
But for those already cut down by hate,
Bring comfort to their families and all who stand with them.

Mother, I ask that their legacy be one of change,
That their deaths be the last, so that eventually,
We will have no need of mourning.

Bring understanding,
Bring compassion,
Bring empathy,
Bring change,
In the hearts of those who judge without reason.

Mother, your love has no limits,
It reaches beyond all earthly barriers,
Past these walls we build to separate.

Each of us is equal and beautiful in your eyes,
So help us to see the beauty in others,
And in ourselves,
Guide us, Lord, to a world where all stand together in love.

Thank you Lord, my mother and father.

Amen

And here we begin,
To build our dreams,
To move into action,
Turn hopes real,
What we talked of,
But never quite believed,
Is within our reach now,
Within sight,
And change will come,
We will be freed,
All may enter,
All may be,
Their true self,
No more lies,
So here we begin,
The long path ahead,
But passion drives on,
And will not dry up.

The line grows nearer,
I'm reaching, straining to cross,
To take one more step.

Victory draws close,
Half a breath is all it takes,
To win this, or lose.

Can you see? Rising in the streets
A force, a song, running through their feet
They move, as one, strides marking the beat,
One voice, one heart, hands and promise meet.

The fog, dispersed, by angry boots on stone,
The dark, remains, but no longer alone,
The hope's alive, and spirits start to grow,
They'll stand, until, the flag of change is flown

Metal slicing the air,
Splitting the clouds around,
Into swirling streams,
That scream against the glass,
Shaking the intricacies welded,
Years before,
To within a millimetre of their breaking point,
But they hold against the unrelenting
Tide.

I'm not always warm,
I'm not always kind,
I snap and bite,
Forget to smile,
And refuse to help,
But I'm working on it.

I'm not always clever,
I make mistakes,
And stumble into,
Commitments I can't make,
I fail to sort it all out,
But I'm working on it.

I'm not who I want to be,
I'm not as trustworthy as I'd like,
I lie without thought,
Then tear myself apart,
With the guilt,
Because I'm not there yet.

But I am working on it.

It could have been framed,
But it wasn't right,
The 30 limit's reflecting
Sharp streaks across any lens,
And the calm curve of frosted hill
Is interrupted by the regimented
Steel men stood strong,
Arms wide against the wind,
Wires buzzing faintly from hand to hand,
And the silvered centrepiece
Is a foot too far left,
Drawing the eye from the glorious
Landscape to crumbling walls
Once firm against elements but
Neglected by time.
It could have been framed,
But it would not be beautiful,
So I framed it anyway.