What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.*
     -Charles Bukowski <3

How fascinatingly scary
the troubled mind can be.
She fell in love with one,
so quickly, she thought she
must be crazy.
He was everything she never
thought she wanted.
He was flighty, dangerous,
wreck less, and highly unpredictable.

Every day was a new adventure,
and that was what kept bringing
her back to his bed at two o' clock
in the morning,
wearing his t-shirt and her underwear.

She never got to know how
much he loved her,
or if he even did.

Turns out, she was flighty too
and she ran away,
and locked herself inside with
a bottle of wine,
peeking out the window
looking for his reflection.
After she drank her nights away
with someone else
for more than a couple of weeks,
he was gone.

And she was left to go on
with her days, as though he had
never been a part of them.
And the sad truth is,
now she is the one with the
troubled mind.

I was never your valentine,
and you were never mine.
We didn't make it past
October.

I wonder who you think of
on that fourteenth day of
February,
when you see the words,
*I love you.

I finally caved and dyed
my hair again,
after months of letting it go,
just too lazy to care.
I came out of the shower
with the same off blonde
color I've had for years.
No roots!

I should be in bed,
but it's always hard to sleep
alone after laying next to someone
the night before.
I enjoy being by myself,
but I've never enjoyed an empty bed.

He wakes me up at 3 in the morning
with kisses that turn into more,
we smoke cigarettes,
and I go back to sleep as he
continues to stay up into
the night.
I like it this way.

Not the way it is now.

It still feels unfair that
I have all of these memories
with you,
that stick around like old
photographs,
that I have to keep putting away
out of sight because I can't
throw them out.
What do I do with all of them?
Like the night I snuck out of
my house that summer,
and ran down the street to meet you,
just so we could spend the whole
time kissing,
and saying I miss you.
What am I supposed to do with
all of you that's still left
with me?
I thought that by now you would be
forgotten,
instead you are haunting my dreams.

If I walk out the door,
you should know it doesn't mean
I'm leaving.
It means, I'll be back.
I don't plan on breaking
your heart,
but sometimes I fear
that you'll do just that
to mine.
It won't be because you
leave me,
or cheat on me,
or move far away.
It'll be because you
don't catch up to my dreams.
I have so many hopes
for the future,
and I can't help but worry
that you won't turn out to be
everything that I hoped
you could be.

He said,
I have a surprise.
and then handed me a
notebook.
He wrote a song about me.
And the hopeless romantic/writer,
in me fell in love all over again.

Oh I believe in yesterday*

Breakfast with The Beatles
will always remind me of my
favorite first date.
Good music,
good vibes,
good ****,
good coffee,
good conversation,
and a good person.

The sun was shining so bright
right next to me
that day,
that if it had been my last day
that would have been okay.

Maybe I do it
on purpose.
But it's for a good reason.
I believe the saying that
goes something like,
distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I can't wait to live with him
someday;
But it's nice to have someone miss you.

I have always been the earth.

There's soil in my veins.

I don't know if I could
ever collaborate with another
writer.
Unless they get inspired the
way I do.
Smoking a bowl,
reading,
a perfect sunrise or sunset,
the flick of a candle in the dark,
and the way his arms feel around me
after being apart for way
too long.
Otherwise the whole thing
would make me sick,
and probably ruin everything
about writing.

Today I was made aware
of someone who battles
with the same thing I do.
Instantly, I felt so much
sadness for her,
knowing that she struggles
the way I do and feels
the same pain and hopelessness.
I just hope she has an outlet,
like writing has been for me.
It's funny,
that I have known her
for awhile and never knew.
Just like me,
she has become the master
of faking it.
It pains me,
because she is still in High school
and is still so young.
I just want to tell her to
not let it hold her back,
or destroy any chance at
confidence and happiness.
She can still find love,
someone will want to help,
and support her and make her
feel beautiful every day.

She told me something that
has warmed my heart more than
anything else has in a really long time.

She said, *it's good to know I'm not alone.

Sorry,
I don't think drinking is cool.
In fact,
I know that it can be very
dangerous.
If done in moderation
and on special occasions
then I say go for it.
But if you drink to fit in
and do it often enough
that I know how much you
drink by Facebook posts,
then I will think that you must
be a dull, boring person
because you need alcohol to
have fun, or make people like you
or make guys interested in you.
I don't think anyone has ever
made a good decision under
the influence.
And if you must black out
and make an *** out of yourself
with every free second you get,
then at least keep it to yourself.
We're all adults now.
Who are you still trying to impress?

I hate just sitting in
this body.
Wasting all that I could be.
I don't want to try anymore.
I haven't dyed my hair in
months,
I haven't felt joy in weeks.
The harder I try,
the more I fail.
I feel so unwanted
and unappreciated.
Each day gets worse,
before I can even try to
make it better.

I'm just kind of done.

It felt good to lay down
next to him and know
that I didn't have to
get up.

To fall asleep with him there.

He calms me down and
makes me smile
and tells me I look so cute
when I'm mad.

He doesn't even have to tell me
he loves me,
because he shows me every day.

I think about that conversation
we had so long ago now.
When you told me that you
wanted to apologize and that
I was one of the few people you
wanted to make right with.
You told me you wanted to
start a family,
start a life.
So why didn't you ask me to join you?
When things could've happened.
When I would have said yes.
I don't think I've ever had
someone say to me,
I want to start my life with you.
and mean it.
And the funny thing is,
he was so close.
But it was still not close
enough.

I have to complain a little bit.

These below freezing
temperatures,
icy roads and snow
are the things I fear the most,
and I knew it was coming.
This is why I was pushing so
hard, and not letting it go
when we were fighting about
him getting a job.
Maybe we would have a place
together by now,
or maybe he would be the one
that has to drive every single day,
and run his car to the ground.
I mean, it's been over a year.
And we've only talked about it
a few times.
To be honest, I hate it.
I hate all of this.

Today,
while cleaning
my car,
I vacuumed out the spot by the
ash tray and uncovered
a tiny purple ring.
It was put there two years ago
by one of my best friends.
Suddenly I actually remembered
her doing that,
and countless good memories
came flooding back.
I actually stopped what I
was doing,
and couldn't stop saying
wow!
Driving around,
jamming music and
"Cruising for dudes."
Talking about boys,
sneaking beers,
and smoking ****.

She spent some of the best
days of my life with me,
and she was the best,
best friend I've ever had.
I miss her.

I rang in the new year
with you all over
my dreams.
I guess,
the boy that I spent
a year wishing I could
forget,
is coming with me
in this one.

I am the person
who says that
New Years resolutions are
*******,
but I think that on this
lonely, sick night
I need to hope for a better future.
Maybe it's okay that I'm
ending the year still recovering
from the flu,
smoking 2014's last bowl,
and not feeling like my life
is where I want it to be.
They say once you hit the bottom,
that there is no where to go
but
u
      p.
So,
my New Years resolution
is to allow myself to be happy,
and not allow anyone else to
prevent it, or hold me back.
To make myself proud,
and to take more time to
take care of my
mind,
body,
and
soul.

Today I will be at work,
but my soul will be off
somewhere in my car,
packed with my old friends.
Enjoying this nice weather in
December.
I'll be reliving old memories,
and ones that never got to be.
Good music,
good bud,
good friends and
good vibes.

I think,
what I need more than
anything are friends.

Have you ever had to come
to the realization that
the ex that you broke up with,
ended up "winning" pre split.
I never for a second,
thought at the time that I
would be anything but
extraordinary,
and that life would be
exciting.
I was supposed to be
extra ordinary.
The next thing I'm going to
hear, is that he's engaged to
be married to a beautiful
red head with long hair,
and eyes that are excentuated
perfectly with little eye liner
and mascara.
And is everything I am
still trying to be.
It's not even that I regret
leaving him,
it's that I turned out to be
the loser,
who's still living at home with
her parents,
works a terrible fast food job,
and has no money,
no adventures,
a dull love life.
It's just a terrible feeling
when one day you realize,
you lost.

In case you were wondering,
there is not a person who
doesn't have to work,
who is out at 5:30 in the morning
on a Sunday in Ohio.
I drive by houses with lights
off as I'm on my way
to work,
and I am jealous,
and I wish I was
asleep or smoking a bowl
on a really comfy couch.
Pretty much,
just not doing what I'm doing.
I hate my job.

I really need to find a change.

There's no other light
in the room besides the cherry
burning the end of my cigarette.
Just like the rest,
I write better in the dark.
Laying in this bed, and
staring out the window,
I realized I'm living,
but not really; in
my own prison cell.
Trapped and stuck in one
place, unable to move on.

He makes me feel
hopeful that one day
everything will be better.
And I love him for it.

I drive through the town
that helped us meet;
every day on my way to
work,
just hoping to catch a glimpse
of you.
I thought I saw your car at
the gas station that I didn't
need to go to,
so I pulled in and my heart was
pounding in my chest.
I walked in and knew instantly that
you weren't there.
But I just had to see.

The past 24 hours
have brought about so
much anxiety,
the fact that I even have
hair left is a miracle.
I'm running on almost no sleep,
hardly any food,
and my stomach has been
****** up all week.

I can't sleep.
I've been laying in bed
in the dark
tugging ferociously
at my hair.
I would be terrified
if I looked in a mirror
right now.
Once everything else
is turned off
and all I can hear is the sound
of my fan,
my mind turns on.
Endless thoughts,
and even the cherry on the
end of my cigarette can't
burn them out.

Maybe I should smoke
another bowl,
and tie my fingers together.

I dream about you every night
as though I'm trying to
make up for what should've been,
even if it was only for a little while.
I made the wrong choice way
back then.
There is no way of going back
and changing my own mind now,
but a girl can dream.

The holidays always make
me feel lonely.
I wish he was with me.
I wish I was with him.
I'm thankful for the love
I have,
because there is no one else
like him.

I had the most vivid
dream about him last night.
We were together in a
house that I don't recognize,
in a huge bed.
He said something like,
I've missed this.
And before I could agree,
he kissed me.
I know what it felt like.
I saw his face so close to mine.
The last thing I remember is
saying,
My step dad's home.
you should go!
And him jumping up,
kissing me again
and then he said,
See you later.

I woke up lost,
in my own room,
suddenly back in my own bed.
I felt odd for hours afterwards.

Yes,
I am devastated,
angry, and hopeless.
I am almost 20 years old.
I am almost 20 years old.
I say this about once a day,
not to brag,
but because I am terrified
about where my life is
at this age.
I am nothing.
And there's no nice way to say it.
And absolutely no answers
on how to change it.

I remember a feeling
I used to get.
A tightening in my chest,
anxious, and exciting.
When everyone got together
and it was time to hangout
on a Friday at Joeys.
Somehow we all knew to go
there.
I don't think we ever mutually
decided that, that is what we
would do after school on that day,
it just always happened.
Usually my sister and I would
be the first ones there,
since I was dating Joey.
We'd snag one of the few
chairs in the room,
if you struck out you had to
sit on the floor.
Anyways,
everybody would start filing in
and suddenly everything would
start to get fun.
The room got louder and then
music would be playing in
the background.
Everyone smiling,
and laughing.
Suddenly a joint or a bowl
would be presented to your
fingers and you'd puff puff
pass it along,
and everything was great.
It went like this for four
amazing years.
A group of guys and girls
who could come together without
any worries of having to impress
anyone,
and feel better when they left.

It seems like years ago now,
but sometimes,
I still get that anxious, excited
feeling.

I want a love story like
*When Harry met Sally.

I used to really believe that
I was meant to be
with him.
Everything fell into place,
everything felt right,
everything was different, and better.
For once, I couldn't sleep because
I couldn't wait to wake up
and see him again.
Everything was perfect.
But, that was the thing.
Nothing that is real is ever perfect.
I can't apologize or explain
my actions because it was like,
I had no control.
I thought that I actually knew
what LOVE is...
but what did I really know?

Since it's over a year later and I
don't have him.

Funny that a quote that
describes us perfectly
was written on his status.
The only breaking up
we do is.
is when we're breaking up
*the ****.

I have realized that in a way
writing so much on here
about all of my sadness and
anger and longing has not
been good for me.
It's unhealthy.
Letting myself wallow
in pity and keeping quiet
about my feelings.
It triggers me to pull my hair
because of my anxieties,
just being there to read and re-read.
I want to be happy and healthy
and be okay with the life
I have.
I was afraid to write positively
because I fear that you readers
don't like that as much as
when I write about the crap in life.
But I'd appreciate the support.
We're all on the
pursuit of happiness,
just, sometimes it takes
awhile to get there.

I loved you because
you are that little boy
in the picture frame
on the wall in your living room.
You are the only one
who didn't turn your back
on me when I needed someone most.
You are the guy
that just wants to take care
of his dad and doesn't
even think about his needs.
You are fearless and honest.
I loved you because you
were everything that everyone
thought you weren't.
I loved you because I
knew *you.

He said he missed me
too..
He missed me.
That's all I ever needed
to hear.

It feels good to know
that you were suffering
through the same pain,
as I was
at one point in time.
To know what you were
really thinking,
instead of the rumors
and whispers I pick up
on the street.
I'm peeling back the
layers of unspoken thoughts
that have built up over time,
in hopes that one night
I can go to sleep without
any regrets.