Heavy eyes,
dizzy head.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
Kinda like you.
It seems like we've been
here before.
But I wonder for how long.
After the last time things
went wrong,
I was sure that was it.
And now I feel desperate
to keep you.
Like these last two buds
I have in my bag.
I will smoke it nice
and slow.

Sitting in my room in the
dark,
listening to Ween,
and checking my phone
every few seconds,
is familar to me.
I know they say,
you shouldn't go back,
you should move forward,
but then how come it feels
so good to sit
and just let yourself believe
for a second that it's all true again.
It was good wasn't it?
I'm afraid of what might
happen if I ever actually
asked him that question.

I've tried for days to
write something
beautiful about you,
but I can't find the words
to say.
Because I haven't seen you,
or heard your voice.
But I know that when that day
comes I will practically
write a novel.

She had gypsy dreams,
and he had the wheels
that could take her to
places she didn't even
know she wanted to go.

My eye ***** can't stop
watering.
I feel like I could cry
for days.
It's not all because of
my car dying tonight,
it also has a lot to do with
my whole day and
my whole life.
None of it is going right.
I'm tired of trying.
Of fighting.
I just don't want to do it
anymore.

I saw my breath in the air
for the first time this year.
How appropriate that as
the season changes so
does my life.
He is talking to me again.
But I can tell there's a lot he's
not saying.
There's a lot I'm not saying.
I knew this day would come.
We have a relationship
like magnets.
It doesn't matter how far
apart you put them,
a force you can't control
will always bring them
back together.

I really want to talk
to you,
but I don't know what
to say.
I can't just say hi,
it's been too long.
But I also don't want to
dump a year's worth of
feelings in the first message.
If only I could think
up the right words to say.

I just smoked a bowl
and inhaled a pink piece
of cake past one a.m.
I don't even like cake.
I am sick sick sick.
Can't breathe.
It hurts to smoke but
I still do.
I have my favorite caramel
scented candle burning
on my desk,
and I'm about to lay down.
Try to fall asleep while
I still have a buzz.

'Cause you are the only one
and all my friends have gone to find
another place for their hearts collide.
Just promise me you'll always be
a friend.
'Cause you are the only one.

One thing that I hope
never changes is the
way I feel when I
lay down next to you,
and lay my head on your
chest like it's a pillow.
I hope that you always
miss me when I'm gone,
and smile when you see me.
I hope that we always love
each other as much as we do
right now.

I think I saw you
looking at me,
as I hopped out of
my car to pump gas.
I didn't actually think
it was you.
My heart was beating
a million miles an hour.
I wonder if yours was too.

I know I never should've
had any expectations,
but **** if I had
and if I was single and
invested,
I would be highly disappointed.
Dating *****.
Being single and getting to
know someone and letting
them know you,
and nothing coming from it
*****.
I truly empathize if you're
going through this
right now.
It's a stupid system.
I really am lucky to have
someone I can rely on
not to bail on me,
to love me for me.
I'm sorry but guys have
just turned into disappointments.
Stay single ladies.
The dating pool is full
of sharks.

We finally went on that
date we had always talked about.
We met where we first met again
after 4 years.
We took his car and he told me
about his cross country road trip.
We went to a Japanese restaurant
and I tried some new food,
and we talked about
books, music, and our lives
in less than a summed up way
of what has happened in the
time we were apart.
We split the check,
and headed back.
I enjoyed hearing his voice
and looking at him,
and how comfortable I became
around him.
When we got back to my
sister's place that she shares
with her fiancé,
I left for a bit to get food
for Dan, because he's practically
crippled right now,
and a blunt for my cruise home
later that night.
When I got back he was gone.
No good bye.
No hug.
No possibility of a kiss,
that's been in the making for
years.
I don't think he had a good time.
Maybe, he realized he didn't
really like ME.
I don't know what else to say.
My feelings are hurt again
by a guy that I'm not even
with.
Story of my life huh?

I think I'm finally
ready to move on.
It was so easy to be
wanderlust when I didn't
know where you are.
But I do now.
It would never be the same again,
even if we both wanted it to be.
Our lives have moved in
two opposite directions,
and I can see clearer now
that we will never be an us.
It's sad but true.
I'm letting go of you.

He just sits there quietly
as I am talking away.
Suddenly,
I missed you.
Conversations were something
that just happened.
You loved my stories,
and would always chime in
with your own.
We were always talking.
I wanted to know everything
about you,
and I think you wanted to
know everything there is
about me.

I just remembered what
it feels like to be in your world
again.
What it's like to
laugh with you again.

At first I liked you
because you were nice to me,
but not in the
clingy and desperate way.
And because you would sit
there quietly sometimes,
and look lost in thought.
And then I got to know you.
And realized that I liked everything.
I can remember the first time
I missed you.
You were going away to Iowa
for most of the summer to see your mom.
I sat up half the night
crying, waiting, awake,
hoping to hear you ride
by my house.

I couldn't even hear the crickets.

My stomach has been
flopping all day.
My heart beat has been
faster than normal,
even without smoking.
All over a gesture.
And now a few words.
He doesn't hate you.
It all excites me more than
it should.
My mind is so congested
that I don't even think I can
face my boyfriend right now.
I just want to sit here and bask
in my inappropriate happiness.

I know it may seem like
nothing.
Or maybe I'm just
a ******.
But either way, he
wanted to see how I was.
How I am.
I knew I couldn't be the only one.
He misses me.
I knew I wasn't crazy.
It's been over 10 months since
we last spoke,
but I haven't forgotten.
And apparently he hasn't either.
This is seriously good news.
Everything works itself out.

It was him.
I woke up to a friend request.

I've been waiting for this day
for 6 months.

Sometimes,
when it's starting to get
late into the night
I hear the faint grumble
of a dirt bike.
Or, what I think is a dirt bike.
And I wonder
if it's
him.
What if he rides by
my house in the cover
of darkness,
because he knows that
I'll hear him.
And he misses me.
But that's just a nice memory.
I would be shocked
if it were still true.

I was listening to the radio
this morning and someone repeated
a quote
they'd heard,
You can't make old friends.
So, call someone you love
they said.
Even for five minutes.
Funny, that I've tried to do this
very thing with him before.
Just calling to say I'm sorry.
But it's too late.
That's probably what he'd
say anyways.
Although, is it ever really too late
to make things right?

Isn't it nice how at the time
when heart break takes place,
we can just sit there playing
Edward 40 hands,
while attempting to give
the world the *******,
because **** it,
we don't need love,
we don't need that person.

But oh, just wait.
In about a month you will
be writhing on the floor in
agony,
crying over the last bottle
of wine,
because alcohol doesn't even
numb the pain anymore.
That strong, independent
single woman walked out
of the room awhile ago and now
all that's left is this shell
of a person who can't find a reason
not to call and beg for them back.

And in case you haven't been
to both sides of the table,
there is no winner.
Whether it was your choice
or not, you'll still end up
on the floor, in some random room
in your house,
where nobody ever sits.

But enjoy the "freedom"
while it lasts,
because you'll never be free
from who you are.

I just had to stop and delete
everything I had written
because when I read back over it,
I realized I was about to
try and put garbage out
and hopefully get a like.
I apologize anyway.
I just feel different these
days, like something's got
ahold of my spirit.
I feel like I'm a few more
bad weeks away from
having a mental breakdown.
Caution: keep the ***** away from me, otherwise you'll have a
sobbing nineteen year old
wreck in your lap.
I don't know how to end
this poem because I haven't
come to a conclusion.

I worry that he'll find
someone prettier,
who's got long blonde hair,
perfect nails
and a lot less issues.
Someone young and fun,
who doesn't stress about
life,
because things just happen
for her because she's beautiful
and smart.
And then here's me with
my short patchy hair,
and the definition of everything
a guy doesn't want.

When did my self esteem disappear?
I used to be so confident
in the body that I live in.
I used to know I was beautiful,
**** and mysteriously different
in all the best ways.
I used to joke about being a
man eater.
Well folks,
I'm not joking anymore.

You're the one that
I always thought I knew.
It took me almost 6
careful months,
of late nights,
empty beer cans,
and used up pipes.
But it wasn't just me getting
to know you,
you got to know me
in the darkest corners
of the morning.
And before my own eyes,
you almost had me figured out,
although I was no where close.
I'm sure that you know
I still care and miss you.
But there's not even
a breeze in the wind
that tells me you feel the same.

My biggest fear is that
one day,
something will happen,
and then my fingers will go
to work and the next time
I look in the mirror
it will all be gone.

And I'll be left
standing in a
pile of my own
regrets.

I think it's sort of weird
how I've created this
character of him in my
mind.
Where he is everything I
want him to be,
and the truth.
I was thinking that maybe
I'm becoming this weird,
stalker type person,
but now I realize that he
is that place in my mind
that I can go
when I need to find happiness
or solitude.

It's nice to go there.

I saw him in my dreams
again.
It happens all the time.
But in this one,
he was standing close behind me
and I turned around to
face him,
unaware of how close we were.
I can remember the thought
that went through my head
as I kissed him.
Even though it's wrong
you'll never get another chance.
He kissed me back but then
turned away.
I think he said something
like, I'm over you.

But I said,
I miss you
anyway.

I don't know
who I am.

I've been pulling all
night long.
Watching as each strand
of hair falls from my fingers
into my lap.
I'll notice the difference
tomorrow and feel angry and
embarrassed about what I've done.
I know that I'm
doing this,
but it's also not my fault.
I can't stop and nothing could be
any worse.

I am not good at being alone.
Probably because,
growing up I always had someone
there with me.
I'm an identical twin.
So it's no wonder i feel
empty when I'm by myself.
I like to think that I'm
independent,
but I'm beginning to think
that's not true.
I need someone sitting beside
me in the passenger seat,
and at the movies,
and someone there
to watch shows with me and
help finish bowls.
I need a constant friend.

I don't know what got
into me.
Maybe it's because I was
thinking life is too short.
So I clicked on your name
in my contacts and hit call,
just to see what would happen.
I was directed to an operators voice
I'd never heard before.
You blocked me.
I guess I understand why..
That's what I deserve for
waiting until now to try and
be brave.

I love you so
much.
I just wish you believed
me.
Even when I'm not around.

You're my best friend
and everything and every minute
in between.

I actually don't even have words
for how I feel about you,
because you've never broken
my heart.
I'm still blinded by love
baby.