I have always been okay with the sound of a door being slammed.One more problem to shut out, but I am okay if I am the one who gets to do the shutting out. I never have a problem with rejection as long as I am the one doing the rejecting because it means someone cares just enough to need to me.

I have never had a problem of accepting love in the form of blue and black, at least I got to receive something. I have never had a problem with looking at a mirror, as long as it was in the dark, because that way I am able to see the ugly  in me .

I have never had a problem with society because judgement will always be there. Whether I am rich or poor... ****** or not... alcoholic or not .. church going or not.I have never had a problem of chasing love in toxic luxuries because I realized that I am more toxic.

I wonder if any of it was ever real. I was so busy tearing myself down so that I could be perfect for you. They say love will change you and I thought it would be the good type of change.

Not the type that has me crying myself to sleep every night.Not the type that has me chasing hesitant a  tomorrow and false confidence at the bottom of a bottle. I keep thinking I just need time to heal... but time is a mean ******* who just turns scars into open wounds that would never heal.Time watched me burn to the ground and smiled. He watched as my heart was torn to pieces .....

There is no life in life . There are no  butterflies and rainbows at the end.... So I will retreat back to the darkness that gave birth to me, back to the mother who "loved" me in her own way. I will cling onto it as if it was the last breath I would take. I will go back to my ruins and stop mourning dreams that were never mine to begin with... This time my own  darkness will shine bright...

I have never been a big fan of rejection. I play hide and seek with its shadows because I cannot come into terms with the fact that you don't want me. I feel as though I am holding you back from living.

I hesitate when I call your name because I know you would rather have the silence or rather me silenced by life. So my love I will sit in my quiet corner and slowly fade away into the darkness.I will not make a single sound nor will I breath because I am burden to everything. everyone. Even me.

I stare into open space wishing I could be free as the wind. I am a prisoner in my own mind. I keep tearing myself down so that I could build a better me that will be good enough .. Even if I could be good enough for a day, atleast then I could be loved for a day.

I keep missing my appointments with happiness because I am searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle and oxygen at the end of a bud. I keep yearning for a pat on the back. A job well done kind of stuff. I want life to tell me that he is proud of me  but all he does it stare at me with utter disappointment. I one day wish to drown in my own red pool because sunsets have never been ****** red nor have rainbows.

I toss and turn as monsters hunt me in my dreams . I wish and pray for a fairy godmother who can return me to my mothers womb. Being born was not my agreement to this cold harsh world.

I used to find answers at the bottom of a bottle and happiness at a touch of razor blade .. Then life came and told me stories about stupid friends and fake sunsets . He told me or happy endings tied in a bow and I felt for it . Every **** bit.

I tore myself down and hoped that I could be better everyday. That I could fit the picture that they were looking for  but I never did . Instead I told myself lies because I needed to sleep at night . Even for an hour before God switched the lights back on.

I now realize pain is not something you leave behind , it owns you for life so why denied it? Your shadow leaves you but your blade never does . And trust me you can fbe me love at the bottom of a bottle .

Some things you cannot compete with . You just a have to miserably tear yourself down and hope that the next person likes the "perfection" that you have built for them . I guess there is fun in waiting for your own funeral because death has never looked so beautiful.

We stab each other with vicious words that we silently take back...
I shove you across the floor and tell you that I hate you even though the only thing I want to say is that I love you ..

I tell the whole word that you are a joke and a **** looser.. but inside you are my knight in shining amour. The one that I would run to when I am in need. Truth is I am tired   of this silent war of pretense .. I love you and I need you.....