the sound of snow being stepped on reminds me of us.
i liked the times where we would sit on the park bench in the dark and listen to silence,
occasionally talking.
the moonlight that kissed your face made you even more beautiful that you already were.

as i try to exhale, it seems as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that hesitantly leave me makes me feel uncertain.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it's become a home for me,
it doesn't.
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breath isn't normal.
i stared into nothing when my breathing would get shaky.
my limbs go numb and the world in front of me would move in slow motion,
i could feel it all spinning and i felt everyone's heartbeat.
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts and for this 5 second exhale, i would forget and sometimes it was enough.

he crawled into the deepest and darkest parts of my mind, making himself at home. i let him do this. i tucked him in every night, doing this felt as if every trauma that once was was put to rest.

every morning when we woke up, it felt like i was a child on christmas morning. cold yet so ******* comfortable under all these blankets. i held him close and held on tighter than he held onto me. it was always like this. we stayed like this for as long as he would let me. he was always the first one to get out of bed.

i followed him closely, in fear that i'd lose him right in front of my eyes. his pale skin matched the snow that covered the cars and grass in my neighborhood. his cheeks were always painted with roses, the same roses that reminded me of the ones he bought me once. i always looked at his cheeks when things would go wrong.

i fell in love with every part of him. he was home to me. he took up every thought in my head, every room in my house, he filled my veins with his presence and yet, i still couldn't get enough of him.

i try to convince myself that, in the end, nothing really went wrong. that we were just in different timelines when we were together, not ready for each other yet. and most of that is true. neither of us were ready, yet we both dived head first into each other, into all of this.

i could talk about all the red flags that he planted in front of me. but right now, i miss him. he's gone and i sometimes still feel the way he ran his fingertips on my body. i remember his touch and when he looked into my eyes, i felt reborn.

now when night falls upon me, he comes into bed again. i stare at the ceiling and it all happens again. time picking up faster as it would replay the end, i see how it ended every night. even then, i would do it all over again if it meant that he would be here again.

i spend my saturday with the curtains drawn,
covers over my head.
i pushed myself as deep into my mattress as i could,
in hopes that maybe i'd push myself deep enough to fall into another dimension.
one where i didn't cry as i stepped inside my house after the end of a day.
i wanted to sleep and wake up as someone else,
that's all i wanted.
for the first time in months, i've thought about taking my life.
planning to go for a walk and never come back.
i wanted to get lost and somehow disappear
and inside my head,
i was half way there.

i didn't think i'd miss you as much as i do now.
i was just making a playlist and every song reminded me of you.
i started to think about the days that we spent on my bedroom floor.
heads touching,
we reached our hands to the ceiling and it was like every day leading up to This point was supposed to happen.
i was meant to be here,
with you.
the sunlight from my window hit our faces as it went down and
once again, our fingers found themselves to be intertwined.

you filled my notebooks with poems about your eyes
and how my stomach felt when i was around you.
the past was the past yet it still lingered and had the same effect on me as if it was still happening.

all i wanted was to fall into your arms but looked at me like i was crazy.
my feelings inside grew smaller and it was like i was flicked off the earth for feeling sad.
it wasn't okay, and i was "crazy" for feeling like this,
right?

i looked behind me and you weren't there anymore.
the only thing that was left for me to fall back on when things got too hard,
when my head was too much for me,
was my bedroom wall.
i spent my childhood sitting against it,
looking at my bleeding wrists and wishing that maybe,
just maybe,
if i looked behind me you'd be there.

that's all i wanted.
it was like god took my parents away when i turned 10,
all the love i was supposed to get,
the love that was supposed to hold me and mold me was gone.
how can a 10 year old teach himself all of this?