I don’t know what it is
I don’t know how to feel
If that hope is worth keeping
Or maybe just let it all fly out
Something I never thought about
Dropped down without a sound
A concept I don’t even want consider

Pushed down
Forced up
I still just feel empty
An emptiness I don’t want to fill

I dream of never being perceived
having the world never see me again
I’ll take up no space
just pass through bookshelves
and give the occasional shiver
just to prove that I still can

I want to be haunting
just in the back of the library
a legend people tell
but can never quite prove
pure speculation

I want to be a ghost
so no one can really look at me
living only in thoughts and conversations
but never on my own

life is safe in your arms
shield me from myself
the thoughts can’t get through your love
your skin against mine
connection deeper than this

I’m fully physical
just a body next to yours
soaking in the warmth of love
a bed with you in it
is better than anything I’ve ever wanted

I feel the weight of it on my hand
the possibilities
bliss?
darkness?
pain?
a second chance?

no one knows
except those who succeed
I don’t want others to be in pain
but I can’t handle my own
it’s selfish to go
but even harder to see
life past today

we live in life
stories of sunshine
true days hidden
in corners of diaries
lock and key
covers and tape
most days untold
eaten up by
minds so sad

perfect life I dreamt of:
a shot of hormones
a boy who loves me
a place to call my own
and freedom to live

I have it all
yet why is it not enough?

four years it’s all I thought of
the fix to all my problems
all but one
became the start of all of them

im trapped by a bed
and i dont know if i want to get out

sleeping isnt a safe place
i never sleep soundly
yet im always thinking about
when i can be in bed
eyes closed and unconscious

i dont enjoy sleeping
i enjoy not thinking
i enjoy the time where i dont think
that its just random dreams
good or bad
because they arent real
like the thoughts in my head

i want to fix it
feel alive and not plan my day around naps
that i can be awake for more than 10 hours
without needing to collapse on a bed

but if i get fixed
i dont have an excuse
i wont be able to say im just tired
because its so much more

im trapped by my mind
and i just want to get out