sometimes I think I don’t know what love is
that I can’t say the words
since I haven’t lived long enough
to really experience it

but then I remember how I felt
with his head in my lap
my hands idly playing with his hair
as he fell asleep

how he let me fidget with his fingers
when I have nothing to occupy my mind
and that he found it cute and not annoying

I know how love feels

I know what it is because of his blue eyes
how they look at me in the morning
after holding me all night long

it’s in the way he softly kisses me
before I walk away
even though I’ll see him in a few hours

it’s how I am amazed at
every little thing he does
that even a small smile I see daily
always makes my heart flutter

sometimes I think I don’t know what love is
but then I remember him
and how he showed me
what true love is

your heartbeat in my ear
fingers tracing my freckles
I feel safe in your arms
and at home against your chest

im sorry i wasnt enough
i only wanted to be yours
we couldve had it all
or at least thats what i thought

youre happier now
with someone i never thought youd love

im gone now
out of your life and everyone elses

i wish i could take it's power
make it mean nothing to me
have it mean someone else
but it was me
its a reminder i am not
who i want to be

i can be happy
but to accept that i can be
who i really am
without the cloud of sadness
looming over me
is too hard

maybe im chasing a feeling
that i havent even felt before
one that will take me out
of this numbness
something to strike an emotion

ive been stuck in nothing
and id do anything to get out

i feel like i cant breathe
most of the time

maybe its the tight binder
on my ribs
maybe its the suffocating thoughts
that tell me im not good enough
maybe its all the stares
that i know are questioning my gender

i wish i could tell you it gets easier
every time someone calls me a girl
when im wearing all mens clothes, a binder, and short hair
but it doesnt
it gets worse

so much worse

no matter the effort i put in
how hard i try
to present as masculine as possible
at the point where i cant even
see anything feminine about myself anymore

im always seen as the thing
that will always break me down

sometimes i think
it would be easier to take it all back
say im a girl and dress like one
at least then
ill be seen as how im trying to

ill hide behind a mask
say im something that im not

because arent i doing that already?
saying im okay and that it doesnt matter
when someone calls me a girl?
putting on  fake smile
and act like it doesnt feel
like someone took my spirit
and covered it
with the wrong color paint

i feel like i shouldnt be myself
most of the time