a fear of change led to a fear of myself ,
my capabilities ,
my ideas .

now I fear you .

Gone are the days when ,
I'd watch you walk through doorways ,
Leave rooms empty ,
Switch seats to be closer .

Gone are the days when ,
I'd mess up my words ,
Stumble ,
Believe you .

Here are the days when ,
I arrive anew ,
Feel weighted by spirit ,
Chasing colours you couldn't imagine .

You came along with that tune between your teeth and a reason for living.

Some boys don't see me ,
Some do , not closely enough .
I don't imprint myself into their minds ,
waiting for a response .
I sit ,
I watch ,
I hope .
I watch the wrong ones.

Some see me too well ,
they've already figured me out .
I want to confuse them ,
I am a puzzle nonetheless .
Designed to take your time and sense .

The others ,
That sweet middle ground that I so long to remain in ,
Is confusion enough ? Intrigue perhaps ?
They feel distant but they feel indebted.
They do not manipulate or scare me .
I just don't believe them .

The words didn't flow right ,
it all felt wrong ,
I couldn't place you ,
or a concrete feeling .
If the galaxy were to implode ,
I fear I wouldn't have impressed you enough ,
left a lasting effect .
We are still intact ,
metaphorically and physically .
We learn to adapt to the pressure , heat and atmosphere .
Clinging to the walls .

Create me ,
conjure up an image in your head .

I'm curious now .

Posit me ,
confine me to a thought .

Why did you choose that shade ?

Edit , re-edit , finalise me ,
I want to be completed .

Apply boundaries , lock the door ,
I am merely a product of your mind .

They sit ,
waiting to be edited ,
hoping I'll enter one day with the same frame of mind ,
praying they won't be abandoned .

Yet they know they will,
they've reached a point where they've learnt ,
that every poem is a feeling .
An idea ,
A carefully crafted shitshow .

They will remain trapped ,
alone and together at the same time ,
with the others who weren't quite good enough .