I don't live within the walls,
I don't live between parentheses,
I don't grow towards the light,
I live underground,
Overwhelmed and dissatisfied,
Detached and fretful,
Still thinking my life is my own and my choices have meaning.

I can plan out a lifetime based on one look,
A glance in my direction,
Though disputed,
Can prompt my imagination.

Our life would be happy,
Without harsh judgement,
You'd hold me close,
And laugh when I made the coffee wrong,
But we'd be happy.

This disputed glance,
Probably aimed at her,
Not the deeply loving girl,
Slightly to the right.

Your name was used in class today ,
Talked about for at least five minutes ,
Possibly more once I'd processed what was happening ,
I forgot about you ,
for that I apologise ,
you were a silent hero of mine and as I observed situations I felt you observe me ,
of course you weren't ,
but I still miss your presence .

If a proxy war could end this town,
I'd spend the day searching for those eyes,
your eyes,
I'd take up arms in a secret spot,
our spot,
I'd barricade myself within,
a steel fort,
And refuse to leave without a fight.

Do you think it would be okay if I sat ?
If I took this opportunity to talk ,
and you to listen ,
For me to sort my thoughts ,
for you to see my cheeks redden .

Perhaps it would be alright if I stared a little longer than I should've ?
Maybe if you were staring back we'd be okay ,
for me to watch you avert your gaze,
If you could quiet the noise for a second ,
there's no end to your power ,
Silence my nerves with a look ,
appreciate movement .

If I could just accompany you for a minute ?
I'd tell you all about yourself ,
the you I believe in ,
the person I hoped you'd bring out in me .

But by all means ,
this seat is saved for someone else ,
my intentions remain pure ,
wait for her ,
I'll wait for you .

I wrote a poem about you , at 8am .
About friendship and how we could last till at least 10am .
But by the time 4:45pm rolls around ,
You’ll be beyond reach .
Something I never thought possible for us .

At 8am , I vowed that I loved you .
At midnight I still will ,
And at 3am when the pain comes and I fear my past mistakes ,
You’ll be writing poetry about her , to be read when she wakes up at 7am .

Well yet again its late at night ,
And yet again the only sound is the scratching of my pen against the paper of my lined notebook and the strange clicks emitted by my keyboard as I type this ,
Yet again I'm trying to write things that will evoke wonder and admiration,
But yet again I'm stuck in the trap of writing to feel not writing to help.
Yet again I'm trying to figure out what the universe has planned for me ,
but yet again I'm beaten down by societies code.

today you made me smile , only a small one
probably not big enough to be noticed.
trust me , i know the feeling
i'm reaching acceptance , i've never entered this territory before.
the smile was sweet , small and short
one that wasn't packed with emotion just passing happiness
maybe this is me moving on or maybe its my false hope come back to taunt me .

writing poetry is like writing to an old friend ,
one you haven't heard from in years ,
one that , frankly , you forgot existed ,
you meet for coffee , discuss weekend plans and live in each others light ,
you'll still try to prove something ,
whether you're ready or right or fine,
eventually you'd part ways after promising you'd meet up again ,
for coffee in that same corner shop ,
on a gloomy day ,
to reminisce .

If you felt it too ,
why didn't you speak ?
Did you feel scared ?
was it just me who panicked ?
Perhaps you'd gotten so good at hiding it ,
that by the end it meant nothing ,
a deep fear ,
a confusion unknown .

If you felt it too ,
you should've spoke .
Made me see what you felt ,
no matter how intense ,
I would've understood ,
perhaps even agreed .
But now it's too late and the feelings are fading .

Summer mislead me ,
but autumn has power .

I've always had this strange infatuation with sunsets .
I felt like we were never worthy of witnessing such beauty, I still believe this .
But earlier this evening at around 5:44 the sky was transformed into what can only be described as a vision of heaven .
I saw wisps of light similar to the ones people say they see in solar eclipses and once again I was in awe of the planet .
Sunsets are one of those things where a photo doesn't capture it completely , there's something so innocent yet magical about the way the sky looks.
Maybe this is all a complete romanticism of this very mundane thing .

you are fading ,
i hate change ,
i hate it almost as much as i hate non capitalised letters ,
or poorly punctuated - sentences ,
you may not think you're fading ,
but you are ,
and once you've been drained ,
that will be it ,
there will be no restoration of colour ,
no feeling of content ,
beware my fragile brain because you are fading fast ,
faster than i'd ever have imagined.

It brews in my heart ,
It brews in the rain ,
It brews when you call my name ,

It brews all at once ,
With no reflection or pace ,
It brews when you leave no more space ,

It brews in my brain ,
It brews all the same ,
Whether you're near or far ,
It's something I cannot tame .

you lived on through the words ,
and I through the music ,
both existing on pages ,
never quite in sync ,
your sigh could turn a few pages , graceful and light ,
mine could sink a ship somewhere off the Pacific ,
my words looked out of place on the pages ,
yours curved with that sense of heaven ,
my book lies open , unused , upon a desk somewhere ,
while you furiously scribble in yours .

I wonder how much time I could give you ,
If you were more present ,
You already invade my dream state,
My subconscious knows more than me ,
You're invasive ,
In the most wonderful way ,
Tonight I will feel alone .

In the morning when slumber rolls away ,
Previous dreams will drift in ,
Waiting to see if I've figured you out yet ,
What about you helps me tick ,
The clock will strike and away you will go ,
So I will always feel alone .

Staring at the ceiling , blasting LANY , wishing for mid summer .
The kind of summer that demands you sleep in shorts and open your windows day and night .
The kind of summer that displays it's sunsets like ancient tapestries upon the sky .
The kind of summer that is always ' reportedly hotter than last years ' .
So I stare at the ceiling , praying it'll come along soon .
Waiting for those days when I'm blinded by the suns rays and engulfed in its wonder .

I do not miss you anymore , I haven't for a while
I still get angry when we talk because you still don't get it
There's only so many times a girl can fall for the same boy
Love? Oh God I hope not .
Heartbreak? Oh yes my love , it's never ending.

That's how she ended the conversation last night , with that phrase .
What does someone say to that ? While my emotions are ticking round in my head deciding whether to manifest into tears or anger she says that .
Good intentions are good intentions but bad phrases are bad phrases .
No solution , no attempts made at aiding the situation. Nothing .
Nothing except that lonely phrase .

With that , she left that lonely phrase with an equally lonely person .

I'm so sick of being patronised
I'm so sick of the way I'm treated
I'm so sick of my current state

They say " get on with it " but honestly how can I ? My brain aches , my heart was broken months ago .

All I have left now is the comfort of silence .

you changed this year ,
two days in and I felt the distance ,
you smiled at the others ,
I could already feel the conversations fading ,
follow the leader you said ,
I wanted to go along .

the levels of feeling I have are still awakening themselves ,
organising them ,
attaching them to a person ,
as you changed I felt the feelings fleet ,
the comfort , the jokes , you .

You were fleeting and it's time for me to move on .

a simple hello ,
we lost each other a while ago ,
we both wanted to stay ,
time took us away ,
so now I'm just checking in .

to see how you've been ,
to make you feel seen ,
not caught up in the worlds tornado .

a simple goodbye ,
give me time to cry ,
as we lose ourselves again .

we both may be fine ,
we both may confine,
ourselves to rooms and roads and air ,
but please don't make it so hard to check in .

You came along with that tune between your teeth and a reason for living.

And right now , yes even now as the sun is long gone and its so dark i can barely see my reflection in the mirror I'm still up here shut in my room . Its of my own doing no need to be alarmed , i just couldn't deal with being around other humans since today has been such a let down . This isn't really a poem so if that's what you were hoping for i'm sorry for wasting your time , i filled up my diary yesterday so this is my primary emotion storage facility .

Summers will always remind me of us ,
When we were 15 and we had no clue what love was .
We still don't .
Your eyes seemed to be the only ones mine wanted to meet .
The random glances and winks in class , the effortless levels of comfort we felt around each other.
It's almost two years later and I still yearn for that feeling .
Perhaps this summer.

Sometimes the world provides you with beautiful sights ,
Like the sky in mid spring ,
The way the dark blue of the clouds contrast the silhouettes of the trees in the early evening ,
The gentle breeze mixed with the harsh lights,
Beautiful sights like these are ones worth documenting ,
They provide something of a reminiscence for times when the world is quiet.

Wouldn't it be fun to view life from a different angle for a day ?
I don't know whether I'd take up that opportunity .
What if I'm doing worse in the alternate reality ? What if I have everything I want ?
Most people say as long as you're happy then you're doing well ,
I haven't been happy in a while
Oh dear , what if I could wear my hair up and in buns and in plaits and in a nice ponytail and I could dye it . Oh the possibilities are endless .

But I'm here ... Gotta make the most of it .

I'm so sorry .

I hope you find love in anything and everything,
I hope you find a love you are inexplicably nervous about,
I hope you find a love that changes all of your preconceived ideas , everything you were raised to believe was true , everything your beautiful brain couldn't handle,
I hope you learn how to dance , we all know you lack a little thing called rhythm ,
I truly hope you move past this phase of crippling self consciousness, awfully low self esteem and everything horrid in between ,
But what I hope for you more than anything is just happiness , pure unadulterated happiness , the kind you can see in your eyes , whether that be with someone or alone .
That's all I've ever wanted for you .

you write songs about summer like you're afraid that it'll end .
your winter songs hurt me also .

The wind picked up ,
for a moment I felt it was possible to fly .
As if I could stand up straighter and see the sky ,
almost.
Then I stepped down ,
onto the ground once again .
I felt you adjust my vision ,
kiss my forehead ,
and leave .

I don't know whether I'm happy or sad about what we've been through,
The moments we shared ,
Sometimes they sneak in and take comfort in the crevices of my brain,
It hurts.

But I can't decide whether its a happy or sad pain,
The kind that evokes a chuckle or the kind that could drive me to tears.

I do not wish for change ,
I don't wish we had continued on our little path to 'happiness',
You always told me you did ,
Those late nights when you would tell me everything,
The nights that your confessions made me cry purely because I had longed to hear those words,
The nights that birthed this unruly , unnatural pain.

It hurts in a way I can't describe ,
But I can feel it like a weight on my chest every so often ,
Checking in to see if I've forgotten.

Today I caught myself staring into space thinking about how you could've loved me once .
I wonder why my naivety created that thought .
Nothing reminds me of you more than staring at the mirror , there's something so oddly comforting about gaining your attention even for a few minutes .
But I crave those minutes , for those are when I feel loved .

As the night comes I feel a chill ,
A gentle peace surveying my room ,
The day while hectic ,
Gives birth to you .

The array of colours flashed over the screen ,
As I danced in the light ,
It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen,
You dancing in the night .

They sit ,
waiting to be edited ,
hoping I'll enter one day with the same frame of mind ,
praying they won't be abandoned .

Yet they know they will,
they've reached a point where they've learnt ,
that every poem is a feeling .
An idea ,
A carefully crafted shitshow .

They will remain trapped ,
alone and together at the same time ,
with the others who weren't quite good enough .

Gone are the days when ,
I'd watch you walk through doorways ,
Leave rooms empty ,
Switch seats to be closer .

Gone are the days when ,
I'd mess up my words ,
Stumble ,
Believe you .

Here are the days when ,
I arrive anew ,
Feel weighted by spirit ,
Chasing colours you couldn't imagine .

Dear Someone
Dear Anyone That Will Listen
I fear the fear has consumed me , eaten me alive
No point coming back now
You've just begun to thrive
My dear petal , my dear indigo blue
Why did you put the last five years behind you ?

I don't miss you as such
I miss the way your humour drove me to tears
You can't deny that you enjoyed that
I remember feeling so at home when you passed me that post it with a smiley face on it .
I remember leaning towards you as you told me the reason that Careless Whisper was your ringtone .
I remember it all .

I miss these moments , not you .
But honey don't flatter yourself because I still laugh , I am still driven to tears by the dumbest things .

I'm still here ...

This has been on my mind all day ,
I can't get it to go away ,
The intended sentiment ,
Was not received , my brain was sent into overdrive .
******* for not telling me things ,
******* for not understanding ,
******* for not listening when I needed you to ,
******* for complaining ,
And ****                                                                                              you
                                                                                                      for saying
                                                                                                             you'd
                                                                                       ' try to remember '

The words didn't flow right ,
it all felt wrong ,
I couldn't place you ,
or a concrete feeling .
If the galaxy were to implode ,
I fear I wouldn't have impressed you enough ,
left a lasting effect .
We are still intact ,
metaphorically and physically .
We learn to adapt to the pressure , heat and atmosphere .
Clinging to the walls .

Some boys don't see me ,
Some do , not closely enough .
I don't imprint myself into their minds ,
waiting for a response .
I sit ,
I watch ,
I hope .
I watch the wrong ones.

Some see me too well ,
they've already figured me out .
I want to confuse them ,
I am a puzzle nonetheless .
Designed to take your time and sense .

The others ,
That sweet middle ground that I so long to remain in ,
Is confusion enough ? Intrigue perhaps ?
They feel distant but they feel indebted.
They do not manipulate or scare me .
I just don't believe them .

I feel emotion in the dark ,
And few other places ,
I cannot explain it nor would I want to ,
The act alone of conserving feelings is tough ,
Waiting for the darkness to establish your masterpiece ,
It's like a second skin now .

The confusion is unphasing ,
It all feels right .

Except for those who emote in the light ,
The light provides clarity whereas the dark proves to be more challenging,
Those who convey to others the realities of their lives will never be phased by my stark revelation .

The choice that once was ,
Is no longer ,
It's a second skin ,
I hide everything from everyone yet this alone could be hiding something .

Setting yourself up to write a poem is like preparing yourself for heartbreak ,
Reliving pain ,
A love that you never really had , lost .
It burns as you type ,
As you find an anger you didn't know you were harbouring ,
It burns with such ferocity that it might as well still be happening,
The longing , the sadness , the desire ,
Wait for you in each saved memoir .
Like thunder waiting to crash .

Sometimes I need to take a moment to think about him , this , the unending mess I'm in .
To think about what he represents and what I represent to him .
I would say I hope we feel the same but that would be wishful thinking .

a fear of change led to a fear of myself ,
my capabilities ,
my ideas .

now I fear you .

Sometimes I get the feeling that everything is crashing down,
As if a countdown has begun,
And it has in all honesty ,
My stubborn self let's it get to the point of maximum stress each day,
And just when I think something has been achieved ,
It all comes back .

I panic about panicking
I worry about my future worries
And yet when I look at you
This almost fades .

Almost , because while you are a beacon
You don't quench these thoughts , fears , worries
You calm them .

The green hues of your eyes , the warmth in your voice
The way you pronounce 'sun'

You are everything and nothing at the same time
You provide solace and a world of pain
You are lovely

Let it be yours ,
Unless it harms you ,
Let it be yours ,
Unless it pains you ,
Let it be yours ,
Unless your mind and heart aches ,

Ignorance can equal pain ,
but happiness can equal everything.

Nothing is the same as it was ,
I am not the same as I was ,
I will never be .

Little changes like the colour of the sky or the way the leaves grew overnight lends itself to my detailed impressions,
You are a different shade of green,
And you are a different shade of blue ,
Than you were two days ago .

While light fades and darkness grows ,
The want for change can be ceased .

Create me ,
conjure up an image in your head .

I'm curious now .

Posit me ,
confine me to a thought .

Why did you choose that shade ?

Edit , re-edit , finalise me ,
I want to be completed .

Apply boundaries , lock the door ,
I am merely a product of your mind .