pray in vain
  pay the pain.
let love scream
  tears tearing their stream

embrace incomplete
  never again complete
your only one
  pure no-one
    your once & future no-one

remember how to own alone
  return to the role you ruled
you knew it was exiled to unknown
  too bad the genius again was fooled

your words wander weak & watered-down
  wasted away & weighted-down
    waiting to weave the waves
      within which they will drown

it matters not what you imagine
  or how amazing the emotion,
every pulsing pearl of passion
  merely more powerful poison

she'll just kiss some other guy
  letting him swim within her eyes
caressing his face with those fingertips
  whispering to him with her voice's lips

cry in vain
  “why?!” to the pain
hear love scream its heart raw
  feel the fatal of your fate's flaws

and as alone regains its former glory
  know now it shall never again go away
accept that its plot has become your story
  as you die inside but cannot reach your last day

Been thinkin' so much
  when what I need is not to feel
Been feelin' so hard
  when I just need not to think
Been watchin' wrong details grow
  when i'm desperate not to know

i remember no anger
  joy love my anchor
    which also flirts me
          flings me
          floats me
                      flys me
      delicious gorgeous dichotomy

but i know noe now
  reset returned to “how?”
no love
no lover
  almost always alone
    lost in loser loner
refractured heart reformed yet still fragile
  as hope reigns rains dies eternal
    in the soul broken emotion stole

dreams of desires
  and their delicacy
loves and lusts
  longings for intimacy
blood burning with passion's possibilities
  becomes blood burnt by pathetic impossibilities

silver streams splinter puddle
  sliver screams spill pool
dripped drowned drained
  drip down the drain

& when is the parole from this sentence
  how long this exile into abstinence?
precious little patience remains
  on the verge of the edge

sometimes the ghosts sing
  but at times they scream
same thing with my dreams

but what about when all is shrill
        & pain filled

while the words are wounds which whine
  I'll be well on my way to wasted with white wine
exit to extreme intoxication
  safe in self-immolation

you know you don't matter
  & whatever you share
    you'll never get her

and mister martyr
  you are all too aware
    you'll never forget her

alcohol coma comin'
  come on baby
another new numbin'
  un-reminding me
but beware its violet kiss
be even warier of its violent bliss

solo
  so low
The Jester's Tears
  they still fall
empty tears
  arid
    barren

how do I blind my mind's eye?
  I don't want to think its sights anymore
And I must mute the ******' poet
  dam the **** romantic drivel downpour

know why its the worst
  more of less than even the first?
only began to know her
  never went within her world

among the few glances
  were precious true glimpses
poignant potent powerful portraits
sharing Real emotional details
  joyful & painful
    fun & ******

and now you'll know no more

Take Me To The Beach

it may seem you've become the pauper,
  been left bereft and love hope poor.
that it's glitterless gold
  staining your soul,
and a sliver of silver
  is your spirit splinter.

but the ocean
  and its beach,
so often your destination,
  in life & imagination,
still has much to teach.

all the years of toes in the sand
  are still here holding onto your hand.
childhood still plays in these waves,
  the adolescent became adult within those waves.

the sunlight splashing down
  with embrace & silent sound
warms you inside & out
  just like the first time you found out
this was the place to learn,
  and you would always return.

the power
  the rolling rumbling echo
    the froth shower
      the NEVER-ENDING flow
still excites
       intoxicates
like the first time
  I discovered I understood
    rhythm & rhyme

the movement of the water
  (the motion of the ocean,
     c'mon, had to say it)
is still exotic
   & hypnotic
and whether watching
  or touching
still makes me feel one with the world

I have run headlong to dive into the water (even when far too cold for anyone and everyone I'm with) and swam and played within the waves and swum out to where it is only swells and scuba'd along shores with yards and yards of water above and cruised in ships along coastlines and in wild wide open oceans and earned a degree studying its forces and formulas and denizens and the awe and joy has never receded with the tide...

Crash into Crush


Even more than like the first time you ever felt Love or Lust or Beyond Both at the same time when your heart told your mind that your soul was singing when your body breathed every breath believing in nothing **** her Body as Beauty, the perfect perfume for her Personality


  I have a huge crush on someone
    who will never think of me as someone
      who she could ever have a crush on
  But that doesnt mean my feelings fade away
    they stay day after day after day
      only stronger the things that they say
  And i dont know how to not be sad
    whenever i think of her
  And i cant not think of her
    for very long
      very often

She's a Gorgeous Goddess
  with an Angel's Voice
but i'm a  suave swan
   re-become the ugly dorkling

Dear Dark Diary



i don't even know what day this is

pain & darkness prepare to bleed their oozing etchings onto paper through this loser's agonized analysis, seething and breathing with unholy vitality...


embraced within my dreams
  enriched by my words
    (or were those screams i heard?)

it's funny,
  with all of the times i've known everything,
    how often i know nothing,
i know the cracks show
  and the lacks i Noe
but where and how to go?
  where and how to grow?

have you ever been scared of a scar
  & discovered it was really a scab?
    with true healing never happening
      & it's torn off to the same old bleeding?

not quite drowning i guess,
  but floundering none-the-less.


is this tomorrow yet?  or perhaps it's yesterday forever

what if my words don't work anymore
  and i'm the pathetic failure from before?
maybe amazing isn't meant to be mine
  and i'll remember all of the impotent lines.

what if revisited are my youthful ways
  and unrequited once more rules my days?
what if my interest
  is only cloying eagerness?

remember when intensity and intelligence were irrelevant,
  emotional emoting mattered only to clint,
    & sweet silly sensitivity
      meant merely lonely eccentricity?


ugly inside
  or outside
    or maybe both.
unamazing inside
  or outside
       or probably both.
here we go Cyranoe...

my existence
  bears little relevance.
just a speck of dust,
  mostly just a mote.

it's been a long lovely while
  since empty was my smile.
but now my bright blue eyes are dull,
    as is my soul.


can someone please enlighten me as to which ******* day this might be?

re-destined for the old & alone zone,
  reseated upon this pitiful throne.
And darkness descends,
  doubt deepens,
    destroys all upon which i depend.

Hope escapes & takes passion's throes,
  my crescendo merely an ancient echo.
i never knew i'd be nothing again,
  praying for a new somewhen.

a powerless poet's worthless words
  will try to fly into her wonderful world.
but their wings will be insufficient
  because they were created by clint.

imagined is his cool,
  this jester's just a fool.
he was always only for fun,
  never actually touched anyone.

unable to matter to another,
  my tender heart is torn asunder,
    the silken tatters shattered,
      the silver shards shredded.
        (is the emerald dead?)


****** boiling tears make my eyes shriek,
  stream sizzling scars down my cheek,
    drip into puddle pools of pain,
      and soak into the spreading stain...

Imaginary Diary

Wed, Oct 5, 2011

Back from the worst roadtrip of my entire life.  And an era ends as I sit ALL ALONE in this big empty house.  At least it isn't raining, so I can go in the backyard and build a big fire to cry in front of...


Here Be Me

out fades the fire, no longer reaching higher, merely old and tired, moved on from trying to crying, an era ends, and how to begin again?

yet death has not yet stolen the last breath, hope and prayers still befriend the living, and everyday miracles may still find the giving...


alone is a strange energy
almost alien to me
although it didn't used to be

lone wolf howls again?
prowls again?

kaleidoscope of feelings,
how to make meaning?

I like Me as much or more
than ever before
and I no longer keep score

lone wolf howls again?
prowls again?

hurt but not quite reeling,
what's the meaning?
can I manage the damage?

I scream
You scream
We All scream
for Ice Cream
but that does not balance the beam
does not quite Amen the dream.

And now my life changes again
rearranges yet again
Lone Wolf?


Thurs, Oct 6, 2011

"I mourn not moving into another decade, but at the end I've been betrayed, not good enough, not enough stuff, not the right house in the right city. given everything I could, done anything I can, but not trusted, accused of acts I did not commit, abandoned and alone again, except for the responsibilities, and bills, and animals, and an empty house full of stuff, and memories of what was supposed to be" -- miscellaneous anonymous old divorced dude


Have you ever noticed how close onesome is to lonesome and that together rhymes with forever?



Fri, Oct 7, 2011

Heart Broken yet again,
  far from the 1st time...
I know what to do
  & kinda how to do it,
    I guess...


****, this is going to take some serious time!!!!
(can I manage the damage)


How far is far enough?
How future is future enough?

head hanging down
  as does the soul inside
face fallen in a frown
  as the heart's tears are cried

looking & leaning above the abyss
  living the loss that leaves less
refusing not to feel this
  there shall be no numbness

hurt too many times
  to soothe with mere rhymes
but healing always happens
  hope never dies a final death
(I can manage the damage)


How far is far enough?
How future is future enough?

Once or so upon sometime
  boy met girl
    and his world went whirl.
Stars sent sparkles through the smog,
  moonlight went right through the fog.

And they asked Clint,
  what's so different?
And his simple silly smile said,
  are you really so numb dumb in the head?

Are you really only able to see
  the fine firm exquisite curves outside
and not the even more amazing beauty
  singly sweetly from the soul inside?

Just look closely
  into gorgeous intensity
    get swept into a deep brown sea
      and wonder at the world she sees!

And when you linger longingly on those luscious lips,
  don't just wish for a tender hot kiss.
Want the soft breath-touch of her spirit,
  and the words within which you'll hear it!

They may not realize what I see,
  but those eyes have looked at me.
And I sit in the dark and wonder,
  could my spark ever touch her?


When can it be Then again?

Because if a guy is extraordinarily lucky, every decade or two he might meet someone as amazing as you.  And if he has the chance to become more than friends, he HAS to try to make that reality.  If not, he HAS to know you in whatever way possible, as deeply as possible, to enrich his Life & Soul!


Flirting

Emotions mixing like potions
Imaginings made more potent
Did you see her?  She looked at me!  A lot!  We smiled with our eyes and our lips and our words and it was real!  It may have meant more to me than it did to her, but it was still real!


Somewhen

Wonderings About A Wonderful Woman

Dipping a heart in the Rush
     of the early life of a Crush.
Past the point when you'd just met
     & maybe not even spoken yet.

It's after you know there's something about her
     that's at the awesome end of special.
When you want to know all about her,
  learn the glow within the sparkle!

You find yourself wanting way less waiting
     between the moments you get to see her
and you're always antsy anticipating
     the next time you're able to talk to her.

You hope for her Happy
     and pray to be a part of it,
       an important part!

You ache to ask her for a date
  and hear her say okay, great!
You wish that that beginning
  turns into every evening
until oh so soon
  on an unknown afternoon
you both find you're destined
  to be much more than friends!

And inbetween the start and that part
  as you learn to hear each others' heart
there are a millionish questions about her
  you can't wait for time to answer...


Does she like mexican food?
  and sushi too?
Will she gag if you call her dude?
Has she ever done Mongolian BBQ?

Has she ever searched for seashells
  between the incoming swells?
Does she like getting flowers?
  What's her favorite flower?!

Does she like skating
           swimming
          whistling
           hiking?

Does she have brothers?
sisters?
younger?
  older?

Has she ever fallen on her **** in an ice rink?
  or played in the snow til your fingers can't think?

Does she love road trips
  for the destination
    and all you may learn/see
      along the journey?

Where has she travelled?
Where does she want to travel?

Does she like sharing dreams
  the moment you awaken?
When it still seems
  they really did happen?
                        
What animals does she love?

Mittens or gloves?

Does she love hugs?
  LONG hugs?!

Is she ready for me to want to stare at her
  (mmmmm, have you seen her?)
And does she know how
  to keep hearing “WOW”?

Does she like reading poetry?
  especially when it's about her / inspired by her

Will we share the joys and traumas
  the sillys and dramas
    that have made us us?


Will she excitedly show
  all of her old photos?

Does she believe in GOD
  and ghosts
  and eternal souls
  and True Love?

Has she ever prayed for me?
Does she know I've prayed for her?

Will we show not just our strengths
  but also our weaknesses?
Tell our awes
  and our flaws?
Share our laughs
  and our tears?
Whisper our hopes
  and our fears?
Even though it allows the other to truly see
  and brings tender vulnerability?

Will she let me provide what help I can
  for not only wants, but also needs
can she depend on this man
  for not only wants, but also needs
can she accept every effort from Clint
  and still know she's independent?


Does she like:

  --cuddling huddling together beside the fire, wrapped beneath the same blanket, holding hands, somtimes speaking softly about memories, hopes, fears, desires, sometimes simply staring at the spastic random wild dancing of the flames while listening to the crackles & pops & the night sounds from just beyond the circle of light?

  --a lazy afternoon on a summer beach, toes digging in the hot sand, breeze blowing sunshine across the skin, waves waiting to be watched and frolicked in?

  --being at the beach on a damp winter's day, sitting on a lifeguard tower just out of the reach of the rain, sometimes wondering at the miracle of the wild waves, dark and frothy, whipped by the wind to lunge upon the shore and race towards the tower only to tire and recede once more into the tide. Sometimes basking in the heat of each others' hands, eyes, lips & kiss, flying in the feeling?

  --walking along the beach in the moonlight of a still-warm summer's eve, holding hands as we wade in the waves, toes tingly with the spritz of the sparkling water?

  --watching a sunrise fill the skies of a desert dawn?
  --watching the sun set as it dives from the clouds, drops behind the mountaintop?

  --camping in the mountains, or by a lake, miles and miles from the encompassing glare of the city lights, within our private tent at midnight, comfy cozy cuddled close within 2 sleeping bags zipped into  1, marvelling at the stars spread out above the mesh ceiling?

  --walking hand-in-hand in a light rain laughing at the secret which only we know, that this cool warm drizzle, this tingle-mingle mist is the perfect place to kiss?

  --Las Vegas after dark?
  --reading to each other in the park?
  
  --short romantic messages?
  --exchanging random massages?

  --live comedy?
  --movie matinees?

  -- what's her favorite type of TV?
          comedy/drama/reality?
          food/cartoons/nature documentary?

  --a comfy couch where we fall sleep curled together with a shared blanket and maybe even some spilled popcorn?

  --disneyland?

  --silly errands at 1am?

  --talking through the night until the dawn?

  --sharing a shower, the water cascading across her unbelievable beauty, caressing every curve, glistening on her sweet sensuous skin and driving me deliciously delirious with desire?


What is her favorite color?
What is her favorite thing about her?

Who is her oldest friend?
            her best friend?

If she had one wish, totally selfish, just for herself -- what would it be?

Fuzzy PJ's or naked under a soft warm blanket?

Would she dance with me at home
  just the two of us
where we can be dorky
  or not good
    and just have fun?


Does she realize the HER of her eyes
           her smile
           her glow
           her lips
  the dreams of her fingertips?

Does she know that as impossibly amazing as it may seem
  my instincts sing to me
  that she's even more beautiful on the inside
  than she is on the outside?
  And have you SEEN her outside????

Would she want to hear me say
  you're sweet smart funny beautiful and hot, mmmmmmm  HOT
    and you will find True Love & Happyness
      because You Deserve It!

Does she want someone to want her
  emotionally spiritually physically?
Does she want them to wonder what she wants
  discover her innermost inner?
Want them to desire her joy
  so she can be joyous?
Does she want them to want to kiss her all over,
  caress her everywhere,
  squeeze her perfect *** with ultimate passion,
  dream of her arms and awesome legs around them,
  her bare ******* pressed against their chest,
  sing themselves to sleep with images of her lips,
  and imaginings of her sweet sweet kiss?
  

And maybe if we're lucky
  or meant to be
Somewhere in there
  “like” blossoms
    becomes Love!