i had a point with writing this and i feel as though i completely missed it. i felt upset that people didn't understand the way that i coped with situations and how they had affected me. and i tried to put it into words. it's just a big mess.

i sat in the forest,
picking up leaves
and ripping them
in different ways,
different shapes
because everyone is different.
and they all break differently.

i picked a once green leaf
that was staring to brown
on the edges.

i ripped it
and it didn't break
slowly.

it just fell apart
in my hands.

it made me look up at the
sunbeams
slipping between
the tall forest trees.

realising,
not everyone breaks slowly.

some people crumble and fall apart
all at once.

fixing this might take awhile but i know i need to swap out many words, and make it make sense. ill update you tomorrow on how it's going.

i ultimately have decided to only make some very small tweaks to this just so it flows better. after reading and staring at this piece for  longer than i should have, i think it doesn't matter if i entirely missed the point i was trying to make. i think i got my feelings out and its okay that its a bit messy.

i sat in the forest --
picking up leaves
and ripping them
in different ways,
different shapes
because everyone is different.

and they all break differently.

i picked a once green leaf
that was staring to brown
on the edges.

i ripped it
and it didn't break
slowly
like the others.

it just fell apart
in my hands.

but it made me look up at the
sunbeams
slipping between
the tall forest trees.

realising,
not everyone breaks slowly.

some people crumble and fall apart
all at once.

and that's okay.

i think its okay to let your feelings out however you need. and thats a big thing of mine. letting our feelings out. i believe its something we should all encourage and do. we all crumble differently and you shouldn't be told to hide your true emotions. i reckon my thought process with this was all over the place, though the outcome ended up being better, even if i eventually decided to leave most of it as it was.

im not quite sure where i was actually headed with this one. im feeling like changing this is going to be an adventure through emotions and what was happening when i wrote this. i dont know if ill end up rewriting the whole thing.
i think i wrote this because i felt like the only way for me to express myself was through writing and i felt like i was becoming obsessed. i mean, its basically all i think about. words running through my mind at an inhumane speed. its silly really. i believe it was late when i wrote this, so dont take it to heart to much.

its easy to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or a musician.

but getting obsessed with writing?

it can hurt.

becomes it becomes your only way
to cope.
to stay sane.
to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the one
who understands.

its hard to be truthful
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all you know.

i think its okay, but needs some work, my feelings might have been too strong to add more breaks so it flows better. that might be the first thing i do to see if its any better like that.

i realised that i never finalised the finishing of writing this.. so here it is. it was done in part four but.. i felt the need to announce it. so..here. this is "obsessed."

its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

not my best work, imo, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

part four of fixing this. i didn't realise how much it would take. i thought over this for awhile. i think it needs one more check but i removed a half of one stanza, then half of another and just changed it slightly. i think it adds more impact.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

after re reading it for the fourth time i split a stanza in half and changed the wording. it feels like it needs more emotion. i think ill sleep on it.

i made some word changes, added some in as well. i am thinking or removing a stanza though.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or maybe a musician.

but getting obsessed
...with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its hard to be honest,
and vulnerable
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all
you
know.

i think i like the outcome so far, but im not too sure still. it feels all over the place..

i thought about it and i think this could use a few line breaks, spelling and word checks and also better punctuation. so i think im gonna do that first. for me separating some of the longer lines add more emotion for myself and the reader so i think thats where i want to go with this.

its easy --
to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or a musician.

but getting obsessed
...with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane,
to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the one
who understands.

its hard to be truthful
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all
you
know.

i think its better but theres a few words i wanted to change. maybe add a stanza or remove one as well. not too sure.

was out at break today, my best friend isnt here so when i went to hang out with our friend group, i felt very out of place. like no one bothers to talk to me unless my best friend is there. i eventually left to walk around by myself. i was unable to find my other friends so i just settled on walking around alone. i did return to them after a few laps but we didnt talk much. just walked to class basically. i feel like im just pouring my heart onto the keyboard and letting my feelings type, like im not even there. anyway, this is what i thought of while walking around.

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i think it needs more, maybe less. maybe it needs to be two separate pieces. not sure yet.

i take constructive criticism so let me know how i can fix this up a bit. theres a few rough edges.

ive read over it a couple times. i think it'll capture my feelings best if i split it.. so im splitting it.

i feel so...
out of place here.
its like they forget
my name
and why im even
there.

(split)

the thoughts
they just keep on racing,
like they're all competing --
winner gets the reward of
tears flowing.
emotions non-stop.
no runner ups.

and they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i think it's better this way. because after my day today, i know that these pieces were two totally different emotions, related and similar but not the same. and it's not how i wanted this to be. i wanted it to flow and get my point across. which is why piece one is about feeling left out from your friend group and/or drifting from a good friend. it's just about that phase in a friendship where you don't know if they really are true friends. i think we all go through it at some point in our lives.

the second piece is dedicated to a good friend of mine, anxiety, and my other good friend, tears. i get overwhelmed easily and frequently. i think i just needed to get my feelings out with that one. there really isn't much behind it.

haven't slept on it yet. but couldn't stop thinking about it. so im gonna try to change it, to make it how i want. see if it has potential. this is it before any edits..

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

and now the editing..

i feel so...
out of place here.
its like they forget
my name
and why im even
there.

the thoughts
they just keep on racing,
like they're all competing --
winner gets the reward of
tears flowing.
emotions non-stop.
no runner ups.

and they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i actually think i like it. im gonna read over it tomorrow, see how i feel. might end up splitting the piece in half..

i dont know what to think of this one yet. im leanin towards scrapping the whole thing.

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

there is a point that im trying to get across here. we all feel out of place. maybe with people youve known for multiple years or people youve known for a few seconds. it doesnt change the feeling of being left out and forgotten. im just not sure how to get my emotions across. its hard for me sometimes to fully describe how i feel when im like this, because im autistic. it doesnt stop me. it just frustrates me when my words feel emotionless and like a i cant do anything to make them just feel what i feel! it feels impossible sometimes. i have over 15 drafts on @mysterie. just random ideas. never finished. never edited. just raw and there. im leaning towards scrapping this, unless i get the motivation to try and make this full of emotion and also enough to get my point across.

its okay if i dont find the motivation. again, writing is never perfect. i dont have to finish writing this and fix it up. though it would help me to regulate and sort my head out a bit, i dont have to. its okay that writing is messy. its always messy.

had an idea to write. again. not sure how i feel about it yet, this is just a rough idea after all. not sure where i want it to go. i think i want to get across my emotions of anger towards myself for hurting the people close to me and the guilt that i have for hurting them.

i couldn't take the aching
so i let it out
on the people closest to me.
i hurt my best friends
my day ones
the people who care too much to be hurt like that.

im honestly writing this with a straight face. it's like i have no interest in it haha, but maybe it's honestly just my tiredness. it is 11pm after all.

hello again.. back woth this one and a list of titles.. well really just four to choose from.

i couldn't take the aching
the pain; it hurt me,
physically
and emotionally.

so i let it out,
in the worst way i could,
on the people closest to me.
i hurt my best friends --
my day ones,
the people who care too much
about me
to be hurt like that.
by me.

i feel so bad.
i don't know how to fix it.

can i even fix it?

options!
- the ache
- hurt physically and emotionally
- feeling guilty
- big emotions
im honestly a big fan of the first two.. but im not sure! let me know your opinions!

i remember saying that this was just a rough idea. its true, it was. but i think i might make it work. i haven't been writing much, hence the disappearance. happy september.  
i think im gonna fix the lines, add more word first..

the og;
i couldn't take the aching
so i let it out
on the people closest to me.
i hurt my best friends
my day ones
the people who care too much to be hurt like that.

edited;
i couldn't take the aching
the pain; it hurt me,
physically
and emotionally.

so i let it out,
in the worst way i could,
on the people closest to me.
i hurt my best friends --
my day ones,
the people who care too much
about me
to be hurt like that.
by me.

i feel so bad.
i don't know how to fix it.

can i even fix it?

i like this a lot more. i think it gets my point across. its just very specific. but..yeah. need some title ideas because im stumped.

im not sure what i want to do with this but.. i wanted to share it on here incase i do not put it on mysterie..

words on paper.
it's really that simple.

but for some,
for me especially,
it's more than words on paper.

it's feelings
storytelling
a way to express your opinions

it's everything to me

so yeah, it is words on paper
but it's more than that too

i dont remember why i wrote this (bad memory) and it was last months when i hardly remember yesterday.. title ideas?

fixed it up and im gonna call it "a way to tell your story"

words on paper.
it's simple.

but for some,
for me especially,
it's more
than just words on paper.

it's feelings,
storytelling,
a way to express your opinions

it's everything to me

so yeah, it is words on paper
but it's more than that too.

:)) okayy

just an idea i came up with awhile ago (25/8) dont know what will come out of this...

its not hard for me to love
though it is hard for me to trust again after betrayal

hii! how are you guys though?

thinking of either scrapping it or trying again. not too sure.. gonna try to change it up first and see how i go. because honestly? i think it deserves a second chance. the idea is there.

before i change it;

i dont know
how to love
and trust you
after ive been hurt.

not by you.

but by someone who i loved
and trusted.

and i dont know
how to do it again.

after;

i dont know
how to love you
or trust you
after ive been hurt..

but i wasn't hurt
by you.

i was hurt
by someone who i loved
and trusted.

and i dont know
how to do it again
after i was betrayed
like that.

so easily --
and they didn't look back.

i just don't want
to get hurt again.
i don't think i could
handle it.

i still hate it. but i think im gonna just put it on myserie anyway because the idea is there and i think it's got a small chance. it's very difficult for me to explain how i feel. most of my poems take a few tries to fully get my whole point across, but this one i just can't seem to at all. so im gonna upload it, either way. because i think it'll help with my emotions.

turning the thought into something for real now so..

i dont know
how to love
and trust you
after ive been hurt.

not by you.

but by someone who i loved
and trusted.

and i dont know
how to do it again.


not sure ahaha.. constructive criticism?

the og idea:

its not hard for me to love
though it is hard for me to trust again after betrayal

:)

not too sure how to feel so im just uploading this to get your opinions!

broken sleep,
discontinued dreams,
tossing and turning
at four in the morning.

i barely sleep anymore.

its too hot under these covers,
im too cold now,
i need to be held,
im gonna die in my sleep.

i cant turn my brain off.

i get broken sleep,
i get those discontinued
unfinished --
extremely real feeling dreams,
i toss and turn all night long
still uncomfortable after each turn.

i cant stop
and take a break.

let me know what you think

this is mysterie, on her second account.

this account will have unedited poems that will not be found on my main, this will also include insights to how i was feeling when i wrote this and why it's like that.

i wanted to share this on a separate account because i want tips and tricks to improve and i want to help others to improve.

accepting all constructive criticism.