i owe you a confession
i'll never be yours again

as to why, i'm sure you know, but we keep lulling ourselves with the lies of a perfect utopia, where we can continue to frolic in the endless meadows, not a care to the problems of the world

i owe you a confession
i love you
but you disgust me

so deeply i keep on denying, i keep on telling myself that it's just the guilt of not being with you
the guilt of what could have been
but when we are pressed against each other in a tight embrace, and i pull back, and look into your eyes
there is no perfection
there is no shameless love

there's only sorry

you're sorry for what you did, sorry you still feel for me
i'm sorry that i can't just move on, that i can't just make myself feel

sorry that i like toying with you
sorry that you let me do it without even noticing

and you are probably too nervous for words
and i'm probably too nervous for actions
because we both know we should just kiss and deal with it
let the world perish around us as the flames of our romance burn up the place
let our eyes flutter shut, let our heartbeats drum against each other in a frenzy like no other

but you are too afraid to ask
and i'm too afraid to do

not because it would be right
not because it would be wrong
but because it would shout a truth we both don't want to hear
that however perfect we are for each other
we are uncapable of loving without fear, loving without hoping for change, for something else, for something better

and we can't look away

once i was yours
but you were drunk with my trust, blindly staggering in the sea of possibilities, getting dragged away from shore
but i looked on and let you drift away
that's when i knew we weren't meant to be

i let myself be fooled

i let myself be told that i am loved, to the face, while i knew about the knife behind your back
and oh it came down with sweet slow agony, slicing, ripping me apart like nothing before

but we kept on smiling
we keep on smiling still
and in our smiles there's the truth shouting that we don't want to listen to

that my smile hides pity
while yours hides hope
and i'm disgusted by myself for making you believe i only flinch in surprise when you touch me
that i let myself relax when you embrace me
that i feel a kindling in my hear when you go down on one knee and offer your soul to me

but there's only horror inside

because i realise now that we are equals