11/26/2013

I'm beginning
to realize
how alone
I really am

and how
alone,
is what
I've always
been

and honestly,
I think I'm
partly okay
with that

my best mates
have always
been
these walls,
this computer,
and the pages
in every book
I've ever laid
my eyes upon

I've always
found myself
to be quite
lonely

little did
I realize
that I had
everything
I needed

I've found
comfort,
in knowing
that these
pages can
not up and
leave me

they cannot
decide to hate
me

or ban me
from their
pithy lives

they cannot
judge me
or deem me
unsatisfactory

I have found
comfort,
in knowing
that these
walls
can not walk,
and can not think,
and can not judge,
and most
of all,
I have found
comfort
in knowing that
these walls
can not
talk*

I've learned,
over the years,
to live
alone,
inside my
own mind,
not to worry
about others

I've learned
to keep to
myself

I've found
things to
keep my
occupied

and most
important
of all,
I've learned
you can not
let your
emotions
and feelings
depend on
those around
you

because they
will fail you

every time,
they will
fail you

you must learn
to live
with yourself,
you must learn
that your mind
is an oasis,
an escape,
a paradise,
that does not
need to
depend on
anyone else,
but yourself
to be happy

© 2013 Scarlet Van Allen

Sometimes I dream of scratching and digging viciously at his skin
As if I am trying to take back what I lost inside of him
What he tore away from me without my permission

Four years later and
I still cringe

He was so many firsts
First boyfriend
First 4 hour phone call
First person to see me naked
Undeniably bare and fresh and perfect
My body like an untouched lump of clay
Waiting for his hands to twist, mold, and taint it
First relationship
First time my body was a scale
He was so much weight

He never stopped
Especially after he would hear me utter “no”
He took away so much of me

Compromise was turning off the lights
Shutting my eyes as tight as they could go
Until it was all over
And I could breathe again

What was it that coerced him to finger me under the blanket in front of my siblings?
What was it that compelled him to ignore all of the no's?
What was it that drove him to take me upstairs to my bed while my own grandmother was just a room away and ****** himself inside of me without my consent?
What was it that made his hands cause every single centimeter of my skin to flinch?
Will I ever be forgiven for the sins I did not commit, but unintentionally created?

After it happened
My sanity seemed to be a balancing act
I felt like an old, empty museum
An eviscerated monument
Something that used to hold so much worth
Something that was now meaningless
Futile
And
Disgusting


Shortly after, denial surfaced
It took over and replaced my name
Every single minute of every single day
I was telling myself over and over and over
That it never happened
All in an attempt to make it go away
Doing everything I could to prevent myself
From ever admitting it
Doing everything in my will to forget
But failing so miserably

I called it an armed robbery
As if he could bust through my chest
Tear open my ribs
And steal everything that made my heart dance
And then nail its wings to his filthy trophy wall

For a long time after 
I was careless
A fallen angel
Looking for love
In the same way in which I lost it
Looking for love
In the same way in which I got to know pain and hurt intimately
It was a continuous game of innocence being lost

I was a lost and forgotten treasure
Living in a garden of destruction
Scared and ****** up and doing everything that I thought I needed
Thirsting for all of the medicine that I thought they had

I was stuck in the greatest darkness of my life
As I tried to convince myself that the men I met along the journey
Were my only light
I couldn't help but to seek safety in other people
For it was in another person that I lost all sense of my own security

I was someone who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone
There was constant bloodshed in my head and in my heart

So I did the things I did hoping I could make it all rewind
Go back to the very first day when I wasn't strong enough to get up and leave
After all of my thousands of insistent no's were intentionally ignored and thrown aside

I was disgusted with myself
Constantly putting myself down
Tearing myself apart
From the inside out and the outside in

Most days I would feel ***** (somedays I still do)
Contaminated
Defiled
Repulsive

It was hard to keep praying to someone who had me on hold
When all I wanted was for someone to hold me
Or at the least,
Something to hold on to

I think back and can't help but recall
How difficult it was to breathe in public

I felt hardened
I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault
To remind me that life is suffering
And existing is a coincidence
And that I am only a witness to half of it

I suppose that intimacy is the art of licking wounds
Because it has taken me years to let anyone kiss me
with my lips chapped
and my body tense
my eyes flitting
and my heart hiding

Four years later and
I still cringe

My father is always talking about how strong I am
He is so proud of my resilience that it sometimes makes me uneasy
He loves to brag about me to other people
Saying that I am capable of anything and everything
All because of everything I have been through and all that I have overcome

But the thing is
He doesn't even know half of it
He has no idea about what happened four years ago
About what continued to happen after that day

Now that time has passed
And I have finally healed (somewhat)
There's no denying that a part of me
Will always ache and burn because of this
But I have realized that
I am not the one who is broken
He is,
The monster who did this to me

And nothing has been stolen from me
Because my body is not a castoff
And there is nothing that sits inside of me
Bearing my worth

There is no trinket that can be seen
Touched
Or taken
****** from my stomach
Only to be left somewhere on the concrete
Or buried deep within a dumpster
And lost forever

Yes, something was seized from me
That I will never get back
But I refuse to watch myself collapse

I have heard that one in three women will be
*****
Or sexually abused
In their lifetime

Well,
I am one of three daughters

Four years later and
*I still cringe

hold your skeletal hand in mine
and lets venture into the world
darkness aside, encompass love
forgive and give, forget to get
what a strange adoration i hold for you
in the depths of darkness
yet find the light
lost in my soul
discover the height and weight
that made the tower of love
reserved for you
light it up, skeleton hands
hold me close, dark heart
maybe if you lost yourself in me
i'd find myself wondering
the maze of your mind.
razor-blade walls, sharp, deadly
don't lean on the walls baby
it'll cut your skin
i'd hate for that to happen
i don't want to hurt you
no matter how you've hurt me
i'd hate myself more if i hurt you
lost in years
you've hurt yourself more
don't make me something
that causes you pain baby

i may not be
the baby dolly
lifeless eyes
cold ceramic skin
but i am lifeless
in another way
and my skin is cold
holding together
our skeleton hands

Are you a dream or a nightmare?
I can’t differ one from the other. You feel like both.
Like the waves crashing down on me,
I’m drowning deeper in your embrace.
Is that good or bad? I don’t know. I can’t feel the pain

When my eyes are closed and your lips are locked on mine.
Like puzzle pieces we fit.
You want this moment to freeze, I don’t.
‘Let’s continue,’ I say.
You pull back. Is this good or bad?
I don’t know.

I have forgotten how to breathe.
Butterflies have made a home inside my stomach. They said
that’s where they feel the most comfortable, roaming around freely in
the once-empty space. Your voice drowns

My incessant screams when I dream of you leaving.
It was a nightmare.
But you were there to shake me awake and bring me to the present with
your warmth and the heady smell of You.

So I guess you’re both a dream and a nightmare.
Is that good or bad? I don’t know.

m.j.

Today I wouldn’t tell you about me

I would tell you about the green coconut
His eyes begged me a drink

Good sir just ten rupees
Fountain of life
To quench your thirst
Feed your hunger

All these sir for so cheap
Have it one please
For just ten rupees

His shriveled face
Shrunken eyes
Stretched palms
Offering heal of pain
Life’s fountain
For just ten rupees

His eyes begged me a drink

He knew my thirst
His healing remedy
Green coconut
Building between us
A bridge
For ten rupees

I’m sorry I failed
In what I said at the outset
For now standing here
I’m telling about me
An empty green coconut in my hand
In his eyes me

In this distant land!

She looks at her reflection in the mirror
Disgust fills up her heart
Her closet, made up of designer clothing
But nothing suits her eyes
She walks by the roadside
In her favourite purple coat
Her left hand tucked into one of the pockets
While the other hugging a poetry book
Her brown hair let down to her shoulders
With a bobby pin securing her fringe

People in the hallway staring
As she enters the chemistry class
Am I that hideous?
She asks herself
Second row
From behind is where she sit
Souls filled with boredom
Mourn for the class to end
She sighs
As she doodles in her notebook

Little did she know
The blonde hair, blue-eyed charmer
Look towards her in the cafeteria
Admiring the way she laugh
The way she bite her nails
The way her cheeks turn rosy-pink
The way she tucks her hair behind her ear
Falling for every little things about her

Little did she know
The people in the hallway
Are talking about her beauty
Little did she know
The group of conceited it girls
Are dying to know where she'd got her coat from

Everyone around her know she's beautiful
Everyone
But *her