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I’m one foot out the door and both feet over the edge
I’m an inch away from out of my mind and ******* it this hurts

I’m in limbo in between being myself and being a mess
And I’m never one or the other

I’m twisted in knots and tangled in sheets thrown over the remains of my personhood

And I’m not making any sense
I’m not making anything, not a sound, not a living

I’m statistical noise. Affordably omitted from any rational decision

I’m not a rational decision anyone would make

I wouldn’t make the choice of making me again but I guess it was never my choice anyways

I’m hovering in the space in between saying you’re okay and meaning it
On the precipice of feeling human without actually feeling it at all

Someone please push me
Over the edge that I’m slowly edging closer to

Someone just pull me back

Just push me
 Sep 2014 Nicole Holland
Riley
Gray
 Sep 2014 Nicole Holland
Riley
My world has faded
to the color gray.
I shouldn't have
to feel this way.
My heart is broken
and I begin to cry.
These tears just
don't seem to dry.
My life seems to be
going down the drain,
and you obviously
don't see my pain.
My hopes and dreams
are long and gone,
what have I ever
done so wrong?
My world is fading
to the color of gray,
why must I
feel this way?

-r.s
On my graduation day,
I ripped down all the flimsy paper signs
hanging from the ceiling,
like Judd Nelson does on The Breakfast Club.
I just wanted to be that cool.
I also poured glitter into the water fountains
so it could reflect off the drinkers eyes,
as a reminder that even when you leave here
you can still shine.
I put my lock on backwards
so it would be a ***** for faculty to take off
my locker when I was gone.
I turned in my cap and gown inside out,
and wrote
"see you then"
on the tag right next to the size,
hoping someone might laugh when they read it
or think it was written by someone real wise
when really it was some moon-eyed girl who heard it
from a friend she knew long ago.
I did a donut in the parking lot
with my beat up Cherokee
who had been down all the back roads
too many nights in a row,
just because I wanted to.
I didn't wear underwear to the ceremony,
because it made me feel free
like I was finally going to be.
I also sketched every dream I had
on pieces of loose leaf
and threw them in random places throughout the school,
praying someone would find them
and maybe have them too.
I almost punched you,
for all the times I should have back in middle school
but I didn't want the principal to ask
why there was blood on my hands
when they handed me that fake diploma
that wouldn't really come in the mail
for weeks.
It was just a day to congratulate
all the **** you got away with as a kid,
and to remind you those days are over
it gets real
from this point on-
how comforting.
I left the stage with my tongue out,
hands raised saying goodbye
here I go
thanks for teaching me all the stuff,
I never really wanted to know.
And by the way,
I put 20 goldfish in the girl's lavatory toilets
so even when I left
there'd be something hard to get rid of
something you'd never forget-
like me
when I was gone.
it's these moments that I miss you,
when I'm sitting here and no one can seem to understand
no one looks at me the way you do
in the eyes, gentle smile, one hand in mine the other in my hair
letting me know that it was okay to fall apart
that I didn't have to be perfect
and no can seem to understand that
that I'm not perfect like I come off to be,
that I fake a good portion of the smiles I put on
and holding things in my hands is harder than it looks,
no one looks at me the way you do
and every time you do, it makes me want to be more
makes me want to try harder and fight longer
it's these moments that I miss you,
miss your voice telling me that it's all going to be okay
miss your words encouraging every phenomenal dream I have
miss your lips on my cheek when there aren't any words to make everything alright
miss your constant reassurance that this time
it wasn't going to fall apart
and I feel like I've missed my chance on you again
look I miss you
not just in these moments where I need someone to steal me away,
hide me from reality in the comfort of a chest to lay on and a hand to hold,
and whisper that no matter what happened you were never going to leave,
I miss you all the time
not just when I need you,
but when I don't need you
because no one looks at me the way you do
like I'm worth it, like I'm not insane, like it doesn't matter if I'm good enough
I miss you
and I feel like I've missed my chance on you again
I've missed my part two
and you've already taken my heart with you.
I’m easily annoyed
Some things just make me want to scream
Like why it is birds are stupid enough to fly into clear things, like windows
Why leaves seem to be the only things I like that change,
And no matter how many times they do
They always grow back the same.
Some things just amaze me
Like how many things a hand can hold
Or the way people can mask themselves like criminals
Just stealing the honesty right out of every moment,
The way truth is robbed without even speaking.
Some things just make me want to hurl
Like why it is people’s minds are so **** *****
And why it is we find it so **** funny.
Why it is we cuss for emphasis, we hit for impact,
And we love openly for fear of being lonely.
Some things just **** me
Like you
And your big dumb smile,
Your big dumb hands
Or your big dumb heart
They **** me because I want them
To have everything to do with me
Like hold me in a way my body isn’t used to
Or kiss me in a way my lips have never felt
Some things just confuse me,
Like why it is on this earth everything *****
But you
Everything annoys me,
But you
and the only thing I want
Is you.
However long
whatever went wrong
I didn't mean it,
it was just a little mistake
and I mean
I know I'm fickle
I like rushing into things
and my hearts too big for my hands
but it's only because I believe life is a bomb
and we'll all just waiting to explode.
Maybe I'm too emotional
I'm too honest
and I say things at the wrong time
but it's only because I'm afraid of missing the chances
I have to speak.
However long,
whatever went wrong
I didn't mean it,
it was just a little mistake
and I mean
I know I'm not perfect
I like fixing people up
and my judgment is probably a little skewed
but it's only because I believe in finding little beauties
in the oddest of things.
Maybe I like you too much
I'm trying too hard
and I should have just let it go
but I only held on because I know
whatever went wrong
with you is where I belong.
We were in two separate rooms,
two separate beds,
two separate worlds
just begging
to be together,
but neither one of us wanted to take the chance
to be with one another
when we know
one of us would eventually get hurt
in the end.
And we're so tired of hurting each other.
So we just pretended,
we decided we'd dream up an instance
where our brilliance wasn't severed
with evaded truth that burned likes acid
sticking to our skin
We put together our separate's
and made one same
one identical dream
where we put the beer in the back
of your jeep, climbed into the front
with a duffel full of clothes and some water for the road,
along with a CD packed with the latest country.
When we reached the beach it was raining,
it was hot, humid, and beautiful.
The sun had already set, and no one was around
so we took of our shoes and danced in the sand
even though you didn't want to,
you did it for me.
I laughed because,
well it was funny
to have you hold me awkwardly
and move against the beat
of the song I was humming,
but it was fine
jut to have your arms around me.
We were soaked,
so we took off our shirts
and played tag your it
like we were a bunch of kids.
The rain never settled, and soon enough
I got cold
so you told me we could lay down the seats
wrap up in blankets
and go to sleep,
but of course we didn't.
We stayed up all night trying to get warm
talking about the stars and the little things
most people miss when they're just passing through.
I kissed you accidentally.
I'm sorry,
I just couldn't help myself
you looked so perfect in the moonlight.
You kissed me back,
like you weren't sorry
and we just couldn't help ourselves
from entangling together like two half molds
who just found each other.
The love we made was sweet and sticky,
kind of gentle yet kind of rough
like a honeysuckle leaking it's syrup
all over our pale-touched skin.
The love we made was warm and comfortable
kind of stupid yet kind of perfect
with the way we fit together.
We lost each other, in a sort of frenzy
then we had to be pulled back to reality
and reality is this
that I want to be together,
but you don't want to fit.
For as long as I have loved you,
You could have walked around the world
       Barefoot and breathing
       Tracing every vein and skin lap on your
       Topographical map of a body
       That swings me in and out like a doorway
       Contemplating whether to keep it shut
       Or leave it open
       With an invitation that smells
       Like smoke and car oil
       Enticing the senses in my brain
       That’s been tampered with your deceiving smiles
       And touches of misconception
       Conveying everything you never really wanted
       Anyone in the world to know
       Every secret
       You tried to keep hidden in the forest of your heart
       Like blue jewel or golden locket
       You threw into the ocean to collect
       With the rest of the mistakes you make
       That you like to discard of into an abyss,
               Sometimes into my abyss when you feel like sharing
       Until all the little monsters swim back up to the surface,
       And you’re reminded of your imperfections
       Every chip in your complexion
       Like a carving in the trunks of the trees
       You use to conceal your appearance
       So no one else can know
       That deep down you’re just a little bit sentimental
       A little bit shy and accidental
       With the way you travel
       Like a vagabond with no discretion,
       But you were beautiful.
       You are oh so beautiful.
At least two hundred and seven times.

For as long as I have loved you,
You could have at least given some thought
Some sort of small consideration
To figure out how you could love me back.
       How you could love me back.
"How've you been?"
You said like we were done.
Like I was finished.
The words stung like someone
was pouring salt in all my cuts.
It wasn't the question itself.
In fact it was quite compassionate of you
to ask of my current state.
If I was making it,
if I was okay.
It was that you had to use
the past tense, not the present.
Not a simple, "How are you?"
But a question you hadn't asked in a while,
something you didn't already know the answer to.
"How've you been?"
How have I been.
Have.
More or less the inquiry was toxic
asking me plainly
how I was doing without you...

Well truth is
I am barely holding myself together.
I can't go a day
a moment
a second
where I don't think about you.
And just when I get a minute
where you're less apparent in my mind,
something happens
and I think of you
all over again.
I fall apart every night
when it's cold
and I have no one to hold
me.
I breakdown and reluctantly weep
over pictures of you
of the past, not the present.
Not a simple, "Now"
but a then.
Back when
we were fixable.
I'm not okay.
I haven't been doing alright
without you.


..."I'm alright,
How are you?
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