Do you ever sit and think of me,
how our “love” was so tragic,
how our “love” should have never happened?
Do you ever get flashbacks?
Do you ever wish you could take some things back?
Do you ever regret the abuse?
Do you even have anything to say to what you’ve been accused?
None of this bothers you?
Do you remember the hate you used to spew?
I guess it doesn’t affect you because you don’t have my point of view.
Well let me give you some clarity,
you laid down the abuse with such intensity.
Nothing you did had any integrity,
You treated me like a stranger,
but to the verbal abuse you we had familiarity.
Lying on the floor dead didn’t seem to move you,
you lacked any empathy.
Do you ever wonder why you degraded me,
why you hated me,
why you messed with my head,
why you messed with my heart,
why you sought to destroy me from the very start?
As much as it pains me to say it,
I loved you.
But your “love” was killing me,
I begged you to stop hurting me,
but on deaf ears fell my plea.

How didn’t I realize this was fatal from the start
I came into this and gave you every piece of my heart
I told you what I been through and how I’d never go back
You reassured me and said that I’d never lack
And for that you stuck true to your promises
Our relationship never lacked verbal abuse
Never lacked metal abuse
Never lacked emotional abuse
You ruined my life
And I’m still haunted by you
My not the same person I was
And I hate who I’ve become
You’ve molded me into a person I don’t recognize
I don’t know who I am
Or who I’m supposed to be
Because of you I’m lost
I’m wandering
Because of you I’m always angry
I’m emotional
I’m dysfunctional
It’s two years later and I’m still shattered
I’m stuck in a hole and I can’t get out
I can clearly see just how every single part of my life was devastated by your hands
You took my innocence away
I was left desecrated
I can’t believe I gave you all of me
All of this
For it to turn out and be the biggest failure of my life
The biggest miss
I walked away from this with
Scars on my body and regret in heart.

I spend every moment replaying the abuse I endured
And every second I prayed my soul would be cured
I'm wishing that someone would listen
That my screams may be heard
It seems like hoping for a hero is far fetched
It's absurd
It feels like my plans to get to the surface will be impeded and deferred
It feels like the mental abuse is lifetime insured
I try to escape from my memories but I'm trapped by the blows that occurred
I wish my mind could delete it's memory
So I can see the finish line
So I can see my victory.

I️ never wanted my life to be like this
But the assault affected every facet of my life
Every inch
Every corner
Every last minuscule area
Tainted
Disrupted by your doing
By your hands
I️ wondered when I’d be “normal” again
But the truth was
I️ was disintegrating from the inside out
I’d never be the person I was before the assault
I️ was stripped of everything that made me, me
I️ was now stained as your victim
I️ never wanted to be held down by your thumb
But I️ feel like I️ can’t shake you
I️ trusted you
I️ had faith in you
I️ thought that having a prior friendship would prevent this from happening
But it only gave way for sinister thoughts to manifest
It’s unfair that you get to move on with life your life like nothing happened
And I’m still stuck in the time warp of two and a half years ago
I’m still tortured by flash backs
I’m still tortured by your smell
I’m still tortured by your looks
I’m still tortured by your unforgiving and unmerited touch.

I’m broken
you took everything I was away from me
I was stolen
and now I’m stuck in time
my soul is frozen
you made a choice to abuse me every chance you got
you destroyed my life with all the evil you brought
my head is spinning
the walls are closing in
it’s hard to know that I ever let you in
there’s a gaping hole inside my chest
you ripped my heart out and now there’s nothing left
I don’t know who I am anymore
I guess I’m just the lifeless being you left to die on the floor
my mind is wondering
it’s searching for an answer
as to why you came in my life and poisoned me like a cancer
I can never forgive you for the unspeakable things you did
you had nothing to gain from my pain
there was no benefit.

I was constantly in the midst of you harmful rays
You never gave me a chance to find some comfort in the shade
I was holding on for dear life to whatever was left
But our tiny rope was frayed
We were drowning in the problems you brought in
We could not be saved.

You touch was unforgiving
I gave you everything I had
There was no more giving
The war raged and it felt like there was no end
It seemed like my open wounds would never really mend
I felt pushed to my limit
I couldn't possibly still bend
You were supposed to defend
You were supposed to be my savior
You were supposed to unwaver
How could you look at me and let your blows commence?
How could you "love" me then abuse me?
It doesn't make sense
I pledged myself to you forever
You thought you could torture
Me and it would be whatever
You thought you possessed all skills
You thought you were clever.

The sun took it's first breath.
The moon flew downward,
Attempting to take a rest.
The beautiful rays of the sky,
Drew a question mark written across
The blue oasis asking "Why?"
That's when I first saw you there,
Oh, and if any words could tell you where
Myheart is,
it is lost.
Disappeared in an invisible relm,
Washed away by numb feelings
To overwhelm my body, my mind, my soul,
To grasp every word drawn up in my
Occupied mind would surely be a blessing,
For you have definately, undeniable, amazingly stole my heart
I don't understand what went wrong;
My love,
Or my song,
Sung for you.
Which one came first?
My reasoning or my verse
Read to you?
What made the words form oh so
Perfectly?
But where did I leave you?
Marked up,
Bloddy, lain upon a road I only wish I knew.
Fell past behind an opposing fate.
On that road, I left my soul.
All smiles slid down to my shadows,
My shadow smiles now.
My mind stole my words,
My mind speaks for me now.
My body breathes,
My body lives now.
My soul has a voice,
My soul screams now and cries
For you.
Every breath departed from these lips
Sings a song only for you.
Line by line,
Layer by layer,
I express every feeling for you.
When your palms rested against my skin,
My whole entire being felt you.
Pumping gratefulness through the veins.
I feel beyond myself in your grasp,
The warmth of your touch.

At what point does this stop
Because it feels overrated
I feel like my heartache has gone on too long it’s been overstated
So many nights I cried myself to sleep
I prayed to the Lord my soul to keep
My mind was lost
It was constantly faded
But I wanted to be with you so I constantly waited
Thought you’d wake up and see that this was the mess you created
You strung me along
Had me hanging on by a thread
And to this day you always deny every bad thing you ever said
Saying I’m liar
That I’m not to be trusted
But you just mad because everyone knows who you really are and you’ve already been busted
I will never let myself get into this type situation again
I kiss the abusing guys goodbye
You guys ain’t even real men.

The past several months meant nothing to you
You already had a plan of what you wanted to do
His smile tipped higher from ear to ear
I screamed but you turned down the volume
You could not hear
You knew you had me
You knew the abuser is who you craved to be
You knew destroying me is what you've been dying to see
The word free ceased to exist from my vocabulary
You never wanted to let me go
No matter how hard I'd scream and plea
You knew what you wanted to do
And I never thought this would ever be you.

My skin smelled of your drunken breath
Every moment I wished for a sudden death
It felt like it was just a bad dream
But I opened my eyes and you were still on top of me
I can hear you breathing fast
I'm wondering how long your intoxication will last
I'm wishing the feeling of your body pressed against mine would be a thing of the past
You grabbed me and threw me on your bed
I followed you blindly but had no idea this was gonna be the dangerous path you led
I said no
But you heard yes
I screamed stop
But you heard go.

You threw me against the wall
As your hands danced around my neck
This wasn't the first time
And it would be the last
My airways constricted
Not sure how long I will last
Losing consciousness fast
Vision getting blurred
Words absolutely slurred
You won't let me die so you can do it again
Of that you have assured
Day after day
Night after night
Heart full of dismay
Lungs full of fright
My mind's gone dark
Nothing is bright
Those dancing hands controlled my life
And those dancing hands eventually took my life.

I hate the fact that I hate you so much
I remember all those nights stuck in your devastating clutch
You kept me a secret
You kept me on the low
I was your puppet who gave an entertaining show
I couldn't breathe
I was gasping for air
You couldn't go a day without abusing me
No you could not bare
It wasn't fair
But then again nothing in my life was
You did everything to seek a higher buzz
You haunt me everyday of my life
And to think I'd **** to be your wife
Now the only thing I wanna **** is myself
Gravity's pulling me closer and closer to the knife
I hate that you still have power over me
You still control what I see
You still influence who I am to be
You're name never brought freedom
It brought torture and more to come
I know I deserve better
But my body's covered in your harsh words
****** by those letters
Good things about you never seem to come to mind
All my innocence was left behind
Vile words swirling in my head
They don't cease
They only rewind
Finding your soul seems to be a relic hard to find
You burned your views into my eyes
I can't see much
I've been left blind
I'm left crippled
Your villainous deeds did bind
Now it's dangerous to be left alone with the thoughts in my head
It constantly consumed the infernal trash you fed
I've lost all sense of surrounding
Used to the dangerous path you led
I just wish not a tear for you would ever be shed
What's the point anymore?
You've already left me mangled and dead.

He branded his name on my body
He defiled and debased me
Left as a mere shell
Left shoddy
You took control
You took command
Pay attention and listen
Don't ever misunderstand
I saw your smile and led to a rapture
I never foresaw that it would lead to my capture
You craved my soft skin
You were infatuated
Your mind was swimming with the vile transgressions you contemplated
You only ever wished for me to be exterminated.

It started with a smile,
Several glances later
Here we were
Holding hands, standing on top of the world we’d conquered together
But I soon realized, it was your world
Not mine
Your world wasn’t accepting
Or inviting
Your world hated me for who I was and all my strength
Your world belittle me and crushed me into little pieces every chance it got
Your world tried to swallow me whole
But I refused
I used my light to break free from your universe’s chains
And so here I stand today
In a planet far distant from yours, celebrated for who I am and ALL that I am
A world where being myself is beyond good enough.

The walls were closing in
You threw your hands where they never should have been
Your presence brought nothing good only sin
You wanted to make sure that I loss
And only you would win
You let the voices control from within
You craved the taste of my supple skin
The line between dangerous and devastating was increasingly thin
You need not a cue for the abuse to begin
You found my screams beautiful like a violin
The blood dripping incited your grin
You relied on my agony like a devious underpin
The bruises on my body were a token of your appreciation
They debuted on my body when I opposed the operation
When I refused the organization
You spoke without communication
You gave endless "love" with sinister interpretation
You lazer focused your blows with great precision
You concentrated your cuts with careful incision
The wicked whispers clouded your vision
Your "love" crashed into me like a disastrous collision.

I wanted a hero
I needed a savior
You intended to fill both
And conduct your evil behavior
I looked to the stars
And dreamt of being freed
You looked at your instruments of torture
And dreamt of a sinister deed
Infatuated with the fantasy of watching me bleed
You wanted me blind
to ensure your lead
You had my soul starving
to select what you'd feed
The torture never ended
it began to overwhelmingly breed.

This is sick, all of it, grotesquely sickening.
This co-dependent, flesh-consuming, parasitic “relationship” is what we crave.
We’re ravenous beasts, that’s just who we are.
We hurt each other past the point of forgiveness.
The things you’ve yelled at me in a passionate, heated rage, undoubtedly, unforgivable.
The things I’ve done to you in my periods of momentary psychosis, unspeakably, unforgivable.
This is clearly and painfully sickening.
I can’t help but ask myself, “Why do I stay in this volatile battlefield, we’ve mistakenly called a normal relationship?”
But even more confusing, why do you stay if you hate me?
Nothing seems normal anymore.
It’s demented, but I love being your obscurity.
And I know you love being my parasite.
It’s all so sick, but we both know we love and need this.

Pledge yourself to the king
Or be dead
His kingdom reigned with truth forever unsaid
Without an ounce of righteousness ever shed
Evil motives and intentions is what his heart bled
Disaster and fear is the only thing he fed
He took each step with his head held high
With the pleasure of knowing I'd eventually die.

You were captivated by the touch of my skin
You were intent on committing your sin
You ran your hands all over my body
Now I'm feeling violated
You refuse to see how
this is the mess you created
Now my mind's gone
Now my mind's faded
Whether you'd touch me or not should have never been debated
Committing your atrocities
Should have never been contemplated.

I saw you again
And it brought back all the fear
One shot, two shot
Three beer, four beer
You drank until you were unbearable to be near
With each passing drink
Your intentions were clear
You were consumed by your disease
You'd touch me however you'd please
My blood-curdling screams and pleas became white noise
There was no disputing with you
"Boys will be boys"
You used your disease as a pass to do what you'd want
The sight of your liquor filled me with daunt
The actions of your disease will always seem to haunt.

The waters were high
The waters were rough
But I couldn't deny
Resisting it became too tough
He took my hand and led me through the water
With one word swimming through his mind
Slaughter
The water came rushing in too fast
I eventually lost sight of the shore
The ocean too vast
My lungs began to fill up with the ocean
He sought to torture me with great devotion
My eyes burned from the salty sea
I eventually went blind
I could not see
With the last ounce of breath in my lungs
I began to scream
But to no avail
You could not hear
My body froze
I was stricken with fear
My skin was icy
It was cold
My mind resting in a desolate wold
I should have known this is what would unfold
I should have known this is what your "love" would behold.

She looked at herself and thought,
"How did you get so engulfed that you'd lie for this man? Cry for this man? Even die for this man?"
She'd do whatever this man would will, she'd take an innocent life, she'd undoubtedly ****. She was so severely consumed by this man she'd follow him blindly, she'd need not a plan. This man covered her eyes to make sure the truth was never seen, this man covered her ears to make sure of the chanting whispers of freedom, she was never keen. This man kept her mouth shut so she couldn't taste sweet liberation, he had to ensure there'd be no escape contemplation. This man was the infernally worst but unfortunately now her life was infernally cursed.

I slipped into something that couldn't be escaped
I fell deeper and deeper
You covered my eyes
You had my mouth taped
It was the truth you ultimately feared
I tried to scream but all sounds were smeared
I was alive but I wasn't living
You always took and you were never giving
The air was warm
But your abuse always sent chills down my spine
I had to obey you
I had to stay in line
Tell everyone I was fine
Raise no flag
Ring no alarm
Or else you'd cause more devastating harm
You fly under the radar with your ever blinding charm
When out in public
They see your good-guy flows
But behind closed doors
You unleashed your crippling blows.

You stole the show
With each devastating
Each crippling
Each show stopping blow
You wanted me gone
You wanted me eradicated
Each day you left my body broken
Dilapidated
I screamed for help but there was no use
No one could save me from your infernal abuse
You loved to watch me bleed
You had an insatiable appetite you had to feed
You sunk your teeth into me until your teeth met
You're the sinister ghoul I dread to have ever met.

He captured my mind and there was no going back
He had me locked in with his seductive words
He fed me all the lies I needed to hear to commit myself to him for eternity
He put on his glasses and I saw the world he wanted me to see
He translated life to me with his own insidious interpretation
He fed me the empty promises that we’re sure to have me craving for more
I wasn’t my own person
With my own thoughts
Sight
Hearing
Taste
I was his
I belonged to him
He owned me
My thoughts were his
My words were his
My actions were his
My vision was his
I was his
I was captured and there was no way out
Other than killing myself
I thought about that
But I couldn’t go through with it
He continued to capture me
I was caught
I was stuck
I was in his world
And he ruled what went on in his universe
I had no say
That fateful day we locked eyes sealed my fate for eternity.