"Turning gay."
Oh how that term annoys me.
You cant just turn gay.
You're born that way,
Its the way you are.
You may realize it,
Or come to terms with it,
But you dont just wake up one day,
Out of the blue,
And say,
"Oh my gosh! I'm gay."
Because then it would be like a sickness.
Something that you can go get reversed.
Its not a sickness.
Its not something that can be changed,
With therapy,
Or meds.
You're born gay,
Or you're born straight.
Just like you were born with black skin,
White skin,
Brown skin,
Or whatever color skin you have.
You don't just turn to the other race,
Do you now?
You cant just turn to the sexuality.
You cant turn gay.

when people ask me if we like eachother
I reply back and say
"no we're just friends"
but I tend to think different because the other night:
when you were drunk,
you told me how you thought my laugh was perfect
and that whenever I do
it makes you smile
and how my smile lights up any room I walk into
when you were drunk,
you told me how you loved my eyes
and how they change from brown to green
you got mad at your friend who tried talking to me
and kept saying to him
"No she's mine"
People say that the truth comes out when you're drunk
I just wish you could say these things sober.
Whenever I bring up another boy,
you pretend like you don't care
but I can tell by the way your tone changes
and how you look at me like I've said the worst possible thing I could.
I don't think you realize
that if you said you wanted to be with me
I would drop anyone for you
but then I remember
"we're just friends"

this is not a poem. this is a plea. this is me begging you to hear me when i tell you that i love you. my voice is weak and shaking like the branches of a willow in the wind. my hands are trembling like tremors under the surface of the earth. my vision is so blurred that i can barely focus my eyes as i type. i can feel the impending collapse of my lungs as they are further crushed by the weight of all my anxieties. my strength is fading, but i'm still screaming for you, only you don't seem to hear me. i'm reaching for you but you won't take hold of my hand. i swear to god i'm trying with everything i have to hold you together, but i'm terrified it's not enough. the very thought of your nonexistence consumes me in a fear i have never known. i have never been good at telling people i need them, but i can tell you how vacant this world would be if you left it. everything would change. you can't come in to my life like you did and then just leave it with no warning. you can't do that to me. you can't tell me that you want to marry me and then try to disappear without so much as a goodbye. you just can't. so i don't mean to make you feel guilty, i just need you to understand. don't you know what it would do to me if you left? how many times are you going to almost-die before you realize i will never be the same if you do?

When I was a little girl
And my mother still laid out clothes for me
She'd always tell me
"You're the prettiest girl in your class,
But you'd be beautiful if you combed your hair more."

When I was a bit older
And I didn't care much
About what I wore
My mom would always say
"You'd be beautiful if your clothes matched."

When I was 14,
And I skipped breakfast and lunch
And binged at dinner
I lost my appetite
And felt like throwing up
When my mom said
"You'd be beautiful if you didn't eat so much."

I wonder if you saw what I did to myself
If you'd have the nerve to tell me
"You'd be beautiful if only you didn't
Take a razor to your wrist or a finger to your throat."

this is you
and this is me
and this is us

this is the late night phone calls
about futures we are too sure of
the midnight drives
across miles we aren't scared enough of

the butterfly kisses
the chubby cheek kisses
the french kisses
on your bed

this is every night
I've called you crying
because my sister is too sick
to function normally

this is every day
you've called me fuming
because your dad makes you madder than you've been in months

this is you
this is me
this is us

this is the feeling I get in my gut
when you tell me you love me
this is the calm that takes over me
when your lips are pressed to mine

this is the tears that well in your eyes
when you look at me for too long
this is the quickness of your pulse
when my hands are in your hair

this is the closeness I feel to you
and you to me
the understanding we share
the laughs
the tears
the beauty
the bad

you, me, us, we
we are not our distance
we are not the miles between us
we are not the doubt
the fear
the complications

we are friendship
we are love
we are us

this is you
this is me
and this is us

this is a series of brief letters to the pieces of my body

dear body,
we don't always work together very well,
but i swear i am trying.

dear hands,
the callouses and crescent moons in your palms
will not be for nothing.

dear knuckles,
aren't you tired of painting yourselves black & blue
every time words fall short of the fire burning behind my sternum?

dear feet,
you know better than to follow roads that lead to dead ends.
there are better places for us to go.

dear eyes,
you have sunken so far into my skull
it shocks me you see anything at all anymore.
you're fixated on shades of gray
but i promise the world will regain its color soon.

dear knees,
stop crawling.
this broken glass is from his bottles.
get up. no more blood.

dear shoulders,
it was never your burden to carry. let it fall,
and try your hardest not to feel guilty.

dear neck,
his hands will never make a home here,
and you are worth more than one night of empty bruises.

dear spine,
stop waiting to be warmed by fingers
that would reach for another body if they could.

dear tears,
do not waste yourselves.

dear ears,
you have been filled with ghost songs for too long.
stop listening for things no one is saying -
it will make life much simpler.

dear mouth,
i know these secrets have been threatening to break my teeth
but please do not open your gates. i am not ready.

dear skin,
we have never been close friends.
i am sorry for the scars.
i am trying to learn how to be comfortable in you.

dear mind,
if i could wish you into an etch-a-sketch
and shake you clean of these bad memories i would.

dear heart,
i hope you can forgive me for being so careless.
i feel how tired you are. rest is on its way.  

dear body,
you will one day see a grave,
but it must not be by your own hands.

- m.f.

It's impossible to know a person
Really, truly know them
Until you have a conversation at 2AM
Right before you fall asleep
The most human you can be,
There's no wrong or right
Just words filling the silence
Let me see your insecurities,
Your dreams,
Tell me things about you
That I wouldn't know
Remind me I'm not the only person
With problems and that
No one's exempt from suffering
I want to hear it all
Your heart and mind
There's no better time
For a lobotomy
No better time
To not be alone
I'm glad we got to philosophize
Because you don't really, truly
Know someone
Until you converse at 2AM
And it was a pleasure to meet
2AM you

I don't know why I
Have this constant itch to express myself
When actually I'm unaware of
What exactly it is that
I want to *say