He loved me unconditionally
As God does
Promising me hell

When you forgave me
The weight finally settled in
Forgiveness stole away rage
God, God, God
Not again
What have I done this time
The dog asks
After it bit another gentle hand
If only you knew
The first hand
And the weight it carried
While it swung
If for pity or love
You stay
Oh, how tired you will grow
Carrying out the sentence
For a crime you didn't commit

I am weaving should-have-beens
Through my here-and-nows
If I could have been a child
I'd have loved my home
Designed to delight the girl
I never was, never knew
I can almost feel it
I know the space where it belongs
I cannot fill it, not with all the world
No hocus pocus halloween magic
No christmas morning anticipation
I try to recreate what I think I lost
How do you bring back
Something that never was
If I could believe in wishes
I'd wish to believe in them
Like I think a child might,
Like I might have, if wishes came true.

Sisyphus finally at rest
Finds himself restless
It is better to desire
Than to have.

I carry your wedding ring
Around in my pocket
The weight serves not as a reminder
Of your love
But as a warning
That even you
Could show such softness

Soft and supple
Sinking in
Velvet flesh
Feels more pelt
Than man
Sweet breath in
Sour breath out
Cough clanging
Against bone
Brown eyes
Begging
Milky eyes
To meet them
You're lost
Subtly fading
Behind failing
Flesh
Come back
To me
Brittle creature
Run home
Again

I would die 1000 different deaths
If only to be sure
That I could wake up just the once
To you knocking at my door
I would live 1000 different lives
Suffer millions more listless days
For just the chance
That I could wake up to your face