i always find you in the strangest places.
i find you in song lyrics, dog toys, and timber old spice.
i find you in chicken flavored ramen noodles, every shade of blue and purple, and horror movies.
i find you in rainbow coloring books, permanent markers, and colored pencils.
i find you in the grass at memorial park, folded slips of paper in my back pocket, and gourmet lollipops.
i find you in hot fudge sundaes, too-big tshirts, and icp snapbacks.
i find you in chik-fil-a receipts, gumball machines, and arcade games.
i find you in white roses, blue ribbons, animal crackers, and sour gummy worms.
i always find you in the strangest places.
but these strange places are everywhere.

it's so hard for me to start conversations because i'm hopelessly picky.
if i talk to you, i want to talk about something that will keep the conversation going.
i hate when there's silence, and i hate when i struggle to find something to reply with.
i hate when you send "yeah" or "okay" because that means this conversation is over and i have to struggle to start a new one.
i don't want to bore you with my weak attempts at keeping you close.
i want you to talk to me, i want you to want to talk to me.
i want enthusiasm and i don't want to have to rattle my brain to keep it up, because it was never like that.
but it's not as easy as it used to be.
i revel in the rare days that we talk nonstop for hours.
the days where conversation is so simple and never wears out.
but i know that after a day like that
there's only silence until one of us figures out something else to say.

i am sick of being on this rollercoaster.
i want off this ride, no
it's not a ride because
rides are fun and happy, but this,
this is not fun nor is it happy.
i'm sick of being thrown around like a ragdoll.
i want to stand on my own, but i can't
because i have been made to depend on you, and
it hurts me every time you find
someone new to toy with.
i just want you to stand close to me
and tell me that i'm important.
tell me that i mean something more to you
than all these other girls do.
say that i'm something special.
say that you love me even when you don't.
tell me that i'm beautiful
even on days where i look less than a hundred percent.
tell me that you've missed me
even though you just saw me an hour ago.
i want a love like the princesses have.
i want you to want me so much that you can't sleep,
because that's what i deal with.
make me feel something other than sick.
make me feel loved and beautiful and wanted.
that's all i ask of you.

You left because I made you feel vulnerable.
I made you feel things you've never felt before,
and you were so scared of what you were feeling
that you made me think I was broken for feeling it too.

when will you realize that everything you
say to me takes a toll on my heart?
my love for you is unwavering, unchanging
and it just goes unnoticed by you.
i feel invisible and invalidated.
i can never tell by your tone of voice
how you feel or what you're thinking.
i want you to tell me how you feel,
tell me what you're thinking.
let me in. just, let me in.
i can't breathe without you,
but you confuse me.
we'll sit and talk for hours,
conversation flowing between us like water,
but it can turn to ice in seconds without warning
and you leave me freezing.
we can be inches, centimeters,
even millimeters apart
and it would still feel like miles.
you and i can't ever be too close,
we intertwine like ivy whenever we can.
but it's not enough, it will never be enough.
you have kept me warm for so long
my body has almost forgotten what it's like to be cold.
almost.
there are days that you remind me how the cold feels
and it terrifies me that i have given you the power to do that.
but even when i am frostbitten,
i let you keep my heart warm.

your presence alone gives me peace.
seeing you sends waves of calm through my chest,
but it's your voice that quiets my chaotic thoughts.
i could listen to you speak forever
and i couldn't ever hope for a better sound.

i need you to just look for a moment
i need you to just take a step back and see what i'm seeing
i need you to know the type of person that you're becoming
i need you to focus on becoming the person that you should be
you are a good person.
i can see it in you and i know you do too
but you are trying so hard to keep all of it hidden away
stop trying to hide this person inside of you
you are better than what others say about you
you are strong and caring and fearless and passionate
your intelligence is not the only thing that defines you
you are worth more than just your vocabulary
you try so hard to hide the good side
but deep down you know you can't keep it away
stop trying to cover up who you really are
let go for a moment and finally free yourself.

i hate sitting a foot away from you and
not being able to look at you.
i hate not talking to you,
but i think the constant closeness
is lonelier than the silence.
i hate being tortured like this,
tortured by the fact that you are right there,
so close that i could reach over and touch your sleeve
but i can't have you.
i know how ridiculous it is,
to want the one person
that just keeps breaking me,
but i won't lie and say
that i haven't grown use to the countless ways
you have made me hurt.
you have taken everything away from me.
my happiness,
my motivation,
my heart.
you even managed to take my mind hostage.
everything reminds me of you.
i can't listen to music or write or read or dream
without you running through my thoughts.
it's not like you ever really left in the first place,
but whose fault is that?
of course it's mine
since you apparently can't be blamed for anything.
at this point, my memories don't even belong to me anymore,
they're yours.
everything that you've ever been a part of
has been shut away in this box labeled
"her."
in a feeble attempt to erase you
from the recesses of my mind.
but erasing you means erasing parts of me
that i can't live without.

a calm curiosity led me to you.
you were exotic to me.
a pair of piercing blue eyes,
fawny freckles on high cheekbones,
a devilish smirk that screamed danger.
i should've listened when they said
curiosity killed the cat.

i have dreamt about you every night this week.
i picture your hands trailing up my spine,
igniting every single one of my nerves like a livewire.
i feel like i'm sitting over an open flame, melting.
i think about the gentle curve of your hips and
my hands caressing your alabaster skin,
watching as your brilliantly blue eyes shut and
your rosy lips part to let the smallest gasp escape.
your chin tilts up to expose the length of your neck and
i imagine my teeth grazing the soft line of your jaw.
your fingers twist into my hair, tugging,
just so i pull my head away long enough
for your lips to meet mine.
you taste like the sweetest strawberries and
you smell like spices and sleep.
my fingers go to trace the rise of your cheekbones and
i can feel you slowly slipping away.
i shut my eyes to hold onto you just a little longer.
but when i open them again
i'm in my bed,
alone.

i am the one you come to
when everything seems to be falling apart.
you wouldn't know what to do with yourself
if you couldn't come to me for answers.
i am the only one you can trust.
the only one that can lift your head
and wipe the tears from your cheeks.
the only one that can make you happy.
where would you be without me?

you used to lean over and doodle
flowers or turtles or fish or random french words
on my worksheets and notes
when i wasn't paying close enough attention.
i'd find them the next day
while i was in a different class and
when i'd question you about it with a smile on my face
you'd just smirk and look away,
but you'd never deny the vandalism.
you never hesitated to give me your sweatshirts to wear
if i was cold during class.
if i said i was tired you'd offer me ibuprofen because
apparently that's what i say
when my head hurts and
you know i downplay pain and
that i hate asking for things.
you would video chat with me late at night
for hours
just so you could listen to me talk while i painted and
i could help you choose a color scheme for your new picture.
you'd walk with me in the mornings before school,
you'd walk with me to class,
you'd walk with me to the bus.
it's been so hard these past five months,
not seeing you in person like i used to,
knowing that the chances of us being in the same room again
are slim to none.
but somehow you haven't given up on me yet,
despite there being every reason to do so.
through our days of silence and
missed phone calls and
unread messages,
you still put in effort.
you still send me pictures of your dog because
you know how much i love her and
that seeing her in penguin socks makes me laugh.
you still call me when you're lonely in the house and
need someone to talk to about your day,
even if it's just for a few minutes.
you still come to me when you need help with homework.
you still text me when you need advice or motivation,
when you need someone
to be proud of you or
to believe in you.
and i will continue to be there for you,
because of the little things you did and
still do for me,
despite there being doubts and
reasons not to do so.
i'll never be able to thank you enough
for the time and friendship you've given me.
you're my person.
i'll never be able to tell you how much
i love and appreciate you.

sometimes i think about
your hands.
they are such a small part of you
yet they are
my favorite thing about you.
i have never felt hands that
make me feel safe and desired
in the same touch.
those hands,
your
hands,
have taught me what love feels like.
now i know that
love doesn't feel cold,
it feels warm and strong.
now i know that
love feels like
you.

she was like
a new song i had never listened to,
by a band i had never heard of,
with a beat so foreign to me
i couldn't tell if i liked it or not.
i kept listening though
to see if it would get better,
but eventually i hit pause
and deleted that song
from my playlist forever.
but you,
you were like
a song i'd listened to a thousand times
by my all time favorite band.
i knew every lyric and melody
like the back of my hand.
i rewind to some of the best notes,
over and over again,
and i never get tired of the sounds.

do not let them take the power
from your strike.
my girls,
you
are a force to be reckoned with.

I think back to the season of us. How everything around us was in bloom. The colors, the joy, and how the raindrops glistened on your skin after that thunderstorm.

I'll never forget how the drought felt. The way the red roses and tulips we had planted wilted and browned. The way the birds stopped singing our names along the treetops. The way our small world, slowly but surely, grew a little less warm.

The following winter was cold and unforgiving. The snow suffocated whatever love we had left, and we neglected to rekindle the dying fire in our chests.

Spring thawed the ice that had once taken my lungs hostage, and with that came fresh breaths of freedom. I planted sunflowers and daisies for myself, and they've grown taller than any flower in our garden ever did.