Say Sorry
*I'm so sorry that I can't help you

The sidewalk seems to grow longer the more that I walk.
Leaves blowing in the wind, scratching at the asphalt.
Baggy shorts a t-shirt covered by an overly large hoodie, a backwards hat and DC's.
Sideways looks begin to consume me.
Silent comments are spread between them as they double look me.
My body reads a young girl in her teens, while my clothes read just the opposite.
Me I'm a different breed from what they're used to seeing.
Mixed emotions control my being, forcing tears into fleeing from my tear ducts.
I skip high school daily, I can't stay there the hate drives me crazy.
I thought if anyone could handle it... that it was me.
I was forced into believing that being me was some sort of disease.
I cry myself to sleep in a crisis facility that isn't for me.
My cries are silent, the same goes for me.
I leave them speculating what goes on within me.
To others I am far from perfect, to me I will one day be perfect when I shed this layer of female and grow into a picturesque male; like caterpillars shed their cocoon and become in tune with what they were destined to be.
Only then will my soul be able to live in complete harmony with my body.
Others only see a girl trying so desperately to be a guy... a young lesbian in their eyes.
Truth be told I am a woman on the outside and a man on the inside awaiting the day that I can be turned inside out and sprout out what my heart always said to be.
They don't understand me, they claim it to just be a phase that all people go through... but for me this "phase" is never ending.
They are wrong to tell me that it is just a phase, that's like me telling them that their sexuality or their gender is just a phase and that one day they will grow up into the person they were born to be.
You are born already knowing who you are within your own heart it just takes time to grow into that state of being.
Life is a series of phases, in my life being a woman is the phase that will soon pass as I transition into the young man I was all along.
People like me tell me to be strong, I listen but sometimes it feels as though I am... alone.
I'm singing to the choir this much I know.
But when will I be able to say that I am at inner peace with myself.
When will I be able to stand in front of the mirror and see the real me staring back ready to marry the lifelong decision of changing my ****** gender into what I deem is me.
I was born by the name of Katlyn... I grew up into this world by the name of Nick. They question why... my answer is, I am just a butterfly.

She goes to the clothing department; they make her try on clothes from the junior’s girls section. The get frustrated with her because everything they hand her she tells them that she does not like. They patronize her... telling her that she is a girl she needs to dress in young girls clothes. What they don’t know is that this “girl” feels as if she wasn’t meant to have grown into a woman that they claim her to be. Her body screams young teen girl but her heart says otherwise. They tell her she might as well go to the guys section and pick out clothes because they give up. Her eyes lit up. All she ever wanted was to dress in what she felt was more her than anything. She smiles and starts to walk towards her dreams when they stop her and make her leave. The clothes she is wearing is only what they dream her to be. Nothing is good enough; nothing that she does seems to be what they feel she needs. So she writes, trying to hide the pain that they don’t know they are inflicting on her self-esteem. If they just knew the scars that they’ve drew onto her heart and soul. She cries at night only when she is alone because she feels it shows weakness. She slips on his clothes and she feels complete bliss. The pronouns they place upon her she knows are incorrect. They always put emphasis on “her, she and girl” all of the words send her heart into a whorle when she realizes… in her mind, her heart and soul she is no girl. She writes about her life and instead of using her, and she and girl she uses the words him, he and boy. In her mind, she tries to find a cure for what they think is a disease. In her room, down on the floor begging on her knees.. Please fix me. When in reality nothing is wrong with her. She was born into this world with the doctors rejoicing it is a healthy baby… girl. I did not cry because of the noise or the craving of my mother’s touch but I cried because his diagnosis was wrong… I was meant to be born a healthy baby… boy

Two rivers flow from my heart:

One famous to the people—
Revered, acknowledged,
Relied upon to renew life
In those strong, able mothers,
Whose water is playful and tame;

The other only known to the
Beasts of the forest—the exiles,
The infidels, the disillusioned
Sinners since birth, and the
Secret prophets who understand
Love and continue to preach it
Across treetops, under skies,
Through minds and closet doors
And kitchen knives and civil[ian] wars.

Bless their souls, those words of peace
Shine brighter than the sun
(Rumored to rise over everyone).
My rivers breathe life within me until
The source depletes, and my heart is still.

I am fuming about the world I am so upset with people who think their beliefs entitles them to hurt innocent people or worse their children I am tired of people thinking they have some sort of right to tell us that it’s not love we are fighting we are fighting with all our might to transcend over 2000 miles while at the same time trying to keep hate from other people at bay we have been together almost two years we have learned and grown together we have battled distance and illness and tragedy we have committed to each other what more information do you need to know it’s love oh is it for one of us to have a ***** because here’s news for you I can get one of those online I can get one of those from a doctor because *** is merely a quirk of skin and chemicals and gender is all in our heads and if you would rather base love off of genitals than feelings I think you need to take a good long look at yourself and your god because if he is so shallow as to dictate love by X’s and Y’s then **** your god I am not going to try and please you I do not owe you to cater to your hurtful and hateful beliefs anymore

let me tell you it was taught by your messiah to keep your piety to yourself and to love everyone you can’t tell me that god made me this way and then turn around and claim oh no I am messed up that is hypocritical that is not a religion that I can respect and you are a shame to those who actually try and follow this faith, I can admit that much that there are those who do it right and I thank them but also keep in mind that religion is a human cultural construct and it has been separated from law for a reason because it is recognized that belief is individual and cannot be used to control masses since that causes empires to topple so why are we listening to the heretic fanatics claiming that my love is wrong when I don’t even believe in that god I don’t even believe he exists I don’t believe in heaven and hell and even if I did why the **** do you care so much about MY damnation if I am going to hell I honestly don’t give a single **** I would rather go to hell than spend my time here alive and breathing in misery without her what about that do you not understand

my life is more important than whatever afterlife there may be because I KNOW what’s happening now I know what it’s like to live and I won’t hinge my happiness on what YOU think is wrong and will happen to me my beliefs will dictate my outcome and I can tell you right now that you are wrong to think love could ever hurt anyone your hate is going to spawn your ticket to the hell you believe in while I revel in knowing that love is a universal truth and love is never wrong and I am not scared to love her because something that opened my soul so profoundly cannot be wrong I planned on being alone forever until I met her and your obsession with reproductive organs are not what I will make my choices off of

I think our similarities are so many blessings I love her curves I love her voice I love how our bodies match and our minds get it there are no barriers on gender there is only knowing there is only understanding my issues are her issues and that connects us on a fundamental level that I don’t know how I could ever be so comfortable with a man I have a deep deep reverence for women that resounds to my core and how you could think that is anything less than achingly beautiful is astounding but for all this I will not pine for the approval of a stranger if you do not know me than keep your ******* opinions to yourself and let me love her in peace and if you are someone we care for then the least you can do is love us and let us be and rejoice in our happiness we do not affect you in any form so why would you go out of your way to hurt us

I should not have to hold her while she cries about wishing she could hug her mother I have never wanted children yet I know more about unconditional love than that woman does or apparently her god does the fact is I would never scare her as much as they have I would never make her cry like I have seen her do all I want is to love her with all my heart but by a simple fact of nature my loving her rains down hate and all this is not something I should have to carry.

I teeter 'long the edge of Death's sidewalk.
I hope one day he will acknowledge my presence and open the door.

The faucet's voice was gargled by the water as I washed clean my hands
But the presence of this idiom will never signify an end.
I can only ever wash the guilt, it's temporary even then.

I practice origami with the universe.
The corners kiss before their bodies are pressed closer together.
Stars overheat and I, I catch the supernova before it fades like the memory of yesterday's events.