there is something about me
that needs love.
i need love.
i have never admitted that to myself
but i need it.

no one wants to stay around for long,
maybe I’m too abrasive.
i’m not for everyone;
an acquired taste.

my family thinks it’s hard to love me.
the love of my life wants nothing to do with me.

i like keeping people on a string.
pulling them behind me like a pet.

i never believed my father when he called me a user
but i guess it is true.

i use people.
i use my body,
to get the love from other people
that i cannot find in myself

the same red spots obstruct my vision,
the music fades from my ears.

the image of your burning brown eyes
stay locked in my mind.

it feels like i am slowly sinking,
sinking into a shallow tub of cloudy water.

my eyes feel like they are about to pop,
i unwrap the cord from my neck.

take a breath of sour air,
and start again.

i walk across the asphalt,
a path i walk for centuries.

i catch someone's eye,
but they turn away.

when did i become an apparition?
a poltergeist, sitting on the wind.

"take me where i can go," i tell it.
"no one will know a thing."

i stop when i realize
the rustle of leaves,
are only speaking to the clouds.

and so my mind ventures,
cutting a deeper wound
from which i cannot heal.

words seep into the opened flesh,
like salt tears;
they sting and sear.

my eyes are open,
yet closed all the same.

they close like a stone sepulcher,
held within are the murky waters
that splash against my skull,
leaving an ugly mass of hatred.

one day,
my eroded forehead
will split open
and out will spill the fault of who i am.