two lips rings on the side of his lip
he would play with them with his straight
white teeth when he was nervous or feeling
risqué

he had them so for as long as he could remember
they became apart of his personality
but i don't think metal rings
could be a trait

but to him, that's what made him... him

besides the liquor and cigarettes
the guitars and midnight lustful
*** in motel rooms

he tasted like tobacco and liquor
if i concentrate hard enough
my tongue will take me back
to the familiar taste

he didn't like his curls
so he would straighten his hair
it's not rock and roll!
he would always tell me

you see, the metal rings on the side of his lip were the first thing i ever noticed about him
and those same exact rings were the last thing i tasted before he disappeared

i’m screaming ruination as your plump pink lips press against my stomach and down to my bare hips

you’re telling me the only thing i need to scream is your name, as i bite down on your shoulder to gain some friction

my eyes roll back as i arch my back
getting my body ruined by a dying god was never on my bucket list.

loving him was like hurtling myself in the ******* sun.

i knew it was bad for me, i knew i shouldn’t have done it, but i loved him until my bones began to ache and my skin began to flail. i couldn’t stop until eventually, i grew accustomed to the heat. so much, that i felt like i couldn’t ever be cold because the thoughts of him kept me warm. i remember when he held me for a little longer than a few seconds and i felt so warm inside and all over, and when he let me go, i could still feel his touch tingling my body and i swore to god that i was doomed.

he was beautiful. no, he is beautiful. and beautiful people tend to make a fool out of me. he had a face that could exhibited in every art museum but his beauty was not only skin deep. his beauty was evident in the way he smiled at me like i was the only one in the **** room when it was crowded. his voice was laced with honey as he said he looked like the sun, but **** he’s right, he is the sun. brightly beaming and i’m ready to burn.

so i should have known that i was going to end up here. writing these to him while he’s living his life in colorful indigos

and if i could see the future in the sky like i did in his eyes, i would’ve known we’d end up star-crossed.

his lips tasted like coffee beans and tobacco, i don't know if i like the taste but if it's his, then i'll love it for days on end. kissing him is like drinking coffee, i love both.

we would run down the halls playing tag in the first hotel i got before they turned to motels. little did i know the game of tag, we've always played. i was always it, and i was always trying to catch him.

the only difference was, during the game while running around down halls, he was chasing me. and i loved how he was so desperate to get his hands on me as if i was prey and he was the predator wanting his food. he wanted me relentlessly and violently.

then he would peck my lips and run before i could catch him, and it would repeat. if only i knew that this would turn into a vicious cycle of kissing each other's lips and then running for the other to catch us. we loved the chase, but hated being caught.

he lived for rock n' roll, and ****, he was the human embodiment of a rockstar. the voice, the hair, the makeup. everything.

he told me that when he makes it big, he'd come back for me and he'd give me everything i ever dreamed of and i just had to say the words.

but let me tell you something about myself
i could never take what is given to me
yet i give and give and people just take
i could never understand how they can take
what's given them so effortlessly without feeling guilty

when he did his first sold out show, i was the first one he called to scream and exclaim about the exciting news.

“we're finally making it, baby!”

but let me tell you something about him
he was the one to always get lost in his head
almost as if he was stuck in his brain
and he only truly cared about himself and what he can easily gain

so it was no surprise that he started to distance himself from the girl he said he would marry when he got more fame and started making a fan base

i spent my nights on ***** bathroom floors behind a door, while he spent his nights on a stage or with a ******* his lap exchanging oxygen

i would pray he'd see my broken heart and would give me another night or give me another chance

but right now he doesn't even give me a second glance.

it feels as if my brain is melting
does that make any sense?
you're standing right in front of me but mama says you're not there
how can it be?
i've seen you since we were toddlers
we took our first steps
lost our first tooth
our first day of school
what does she mean you're not there?
i've seen your friends
you've seen mine
what does she mean you're not ******* there?
i'm going to sleep this off like i always do
i'm in bed with you
but mama says you're not there.

they say eyes are windows to our souls
so why hasn't anyone seen the beauty within mine?

looking back at my past
i can’t help but feel pure disgust and shame
i choke on the lump in my throat if anyone mentions any slight detail about who i used to be and what i used to do

the men i’ve been with
the pills i took carelessly
the aching sore pain of my self hatred

craving love, i looked for it in all of the wrong places.
i let men touch my body and have their way with me while mama cried at home about how she wanted her little girl back

i’ve been tossed around and broken so many times that i simply have no more pieces left to spare

they always ask me who was i before the world turned me so cold
and i can’t help but reply
‘i don’t know.’

i always told you that if you fell
i would catch you
i swore to myself over and over again
that i would catch you before you hit the ground
but i realize now
you never once said you’d catch me.

when i told you i’d give you the moon and the stars, i really meant it.

i gave you everything that was pretty **** close to the galaxy, but you said it wasn’t enough.

you didn’t say it verbally with your tongue, but your actions did. actions speak louder than words, and it hurts way worse than you telling me you don’t want me anymore.

i gave you a place to run to, a place to sleep. when you needed to get away, you knew where to go. maybe i should’ve let you be on the streets, but you know you mean too **** much to me.

i gave you true love that was genuine and wholesome. only to get a love that was one sided and filled with trauma. you only loved me whenever it was convenient for you.

i gave you a family for crying out loud. we were going to have our amaryllis and crimson, our happily ever after was just around the corner but you decided at the last minute that you didn’t want to settle down.

mama warned me about guys like you
tearing my sweet innocent heart into two

but the craziest thing that hurts the most isn’t about you
it’s about me
because i’d still take you back in a heart beat.

yank on my spinal cord before you rip it out of my bare back. before you get my ***** crimson blood on your hands and you have to wash and bleach your dna off the crime scene.

it feels as if i'm paralyzed from the waist down because all i ever ******* do is lay around, and if i move, it aches. everything aches.

i'm begging for you to swap some bones with me because i'm tired of this soreness on my hips and thighs. please tell me you're listening.

nobody ever ******* listens to me. am i on mute? does someone have the remote controller that is connected to my mouth and has it on the lowest volume? how do i get it back and turn it up?

the static in my ears is far too loud, i bet if you said something right now, i wouldn't hear a thing. wait— did you say something?

i'm in love with a boy whom i've decided to call apollo because ****, he's a modern tragedy. he's enchanting and extraordinary, i'm nothing compared to this god in human skin.

i'm nothing but delusional intoxication and hair dye, but i guess if there was something good about me, it would have to be that i love unconditionally.

OH MY KILLER HADES
KISS ME UNTIL MY LIPS ARE BLUE
AND I START SEEING THE GALAXY NOT ONLY IN YOUR EYES BUT AROUND OUR BODIES!

grip my hips and shove our chests together as your ******* runs up and down my spine
my eyes are shimmering with jupiter's kiss, and you can see the planets and stars within them.

there's euphoria running through my crimson veins as you kiss my ivory skin, and i swore i felt my entire soul gravitate towards you as you harshly ripped it out with just one kiss

i'm calling you a melancholic enigma
as you're prying the truth from the gaping
wound in my chest that you ripped my soul out of

my heaving lungs are begging for fresh air
that isn't stolen, but you're such a **** thief,
you gave me your last angel's air and told me to work with it.

you're slitting my wrists and bathing in the crimson blood
as you then push my head after telling me how pretty i look. you're suffocating me with your sins.

OH BABY, TOUCH ME AND MAKE ME FEEL YOUR PAIN! RIP ME APART LIKE IM SOME KIND OF ****** ART AND THROW ME AWAY!

my nails are digging deep into your skin
and i'm arching my back as i'm seeing
nothing but black
you're bathing me in our sins
and i'm drowning in the ocean
that used to be love

then, i heard your voice.
your harsh voice.
you demand
not ask
not whisper
you demand.

"SCREAM MY NAME, MY LOVE."

OH HONEY,
IM SCREAMING RUINATION.

you are somewhat of a ******* and how disgustingly i adore it. pathetic.

you are a moment too big for me. i’m caught up in insignificance but not because i deem myself unworthy of your touch, i just think you’re phenomenal. an angel in disguise. you live in a moment of ecstasy, and before i can even blink with my own eyes, you are gone in a cloud of smoke. you take my breath away like it belongs to you.

i always end up in a big pile of word ***** when it comes to you, words flow out of me like i had acid in my stomach and it’s purging into the oblivion. as it calms down, i’m now just sprawled on the floor, it’s freezing and my bones hurt.

so please deal with me while i talk about the universe and about a love that i may never have.

you told me you had it under control as we’re in the car driving down a dark road, my body tenses and i nod my head.

you always have things under control, don’t you? at least, you always claim to.

but do you remember the times where you almost bust your head on the kitchen’s counter every time you get drunk because you needed to feel something else running in your veins instead of the pain of your trauma?

or how about the times where you flicked the ashes on my skin and put out the cigarette on my hand because you wanted someone else to feel your pain.

you said love meant feeling each other’s pain and i believed you. i took all your pain and carried it on my back so you didn’t have to.

it was a piggy back ride i never fully consented to, but i still went along with it because i loved you and told you there was nothing i wouldn’t do to see a smile on your face.

but the baggage got harder to carry whenever you were adding on to mine and yours at the same time.

sometimes i can still feel my spine ache when i think about it
and sometimes i can still feel that **** cigarette.

you painted constellations on my body with my own blood and i thought it was a masterpiece. i let you take every part of me that made my body a whole, and i let you break them down into tiny pieces before you crushed them into dust.

i’m not trying to romanticize us or our pain, but when your hand wraps around my throat, i swear i can see the galaxy when the darkness consumes my blurry vision

i still moan your name in my sleep and fist fight the demons that you sent my way a year ago just so you can get back at me

how does it feel to ******* blood on your tongue? you’re trailing wet kisses on my bare hips as if you’re mapping the devil’s lands

and i think i’d let you break me again if you asked politely.

unanswered phone calls at 3 am / shattered broken beer bottles on the wooden floor and broken cigarettes in half filled water glasses  / blackish black mascara running down my foundation stained cheeks / your hand wrapped in ace bandages while your brother fixes the hole in the wall for the third time / inner thigh touching and eager red stained lips / another night of me wishing things were different.

i think i finally know why they called you lucifer.

it wasn’t just about your dark design and the ink covering your porcelain skin, it was about you as a person. the way you walked, the way you talked. everything.

you told me you were a god and i believed you. i put you on a pedestal and kissed your feet, but honey, you are not a saint.

you have skeletons in your closet that you swear don’t belong to you, but if i were to look closely enough, i would see your dna all over the crime scene.

you’re always on the run, who are you trying to run from? me or all of your problems?

you can wash your hands to clean the blood off, but you can’t wash them off the crime.

you left my body sore and hollow those two summers ago and you finally came back to bury me six feet under to leave me to decay once and for all

but if i learned anything from you
it would be reincarnation.

this handsome devil had a way with my heart
he had a personality of a sly serial killer
and it wasn’t surprising when he had my blood on his hands

he told me that he’d give me the stars if i wanted them, the moon, and even the sun.

handsome devil always knew what to say to get me into his bed
he knew how to touch me to make me beg for more
he knew what he was doing when he pulled down my sundress

he called me angel who didn’t deserve to be corrupted by him, but somehow, he went back on his word. i’m now bathing in my sins.

your hands on my hips, your fingernails
sinking into my skin making it draw blood
and now the blood runs down my leg and drips onto the cold tile floor

no matter how delicate you are with my body
you always find a way to hurt me.

i don’t know much about love and heartbreak but—

i. i’m in this god forsaken awful party filled with people i’ve never seen before, and i’m trying to find you in the crowd because our hands are no longer clasped tight. my heart is hitting my ribcage harshly over and over again and my chest is locking up. i find you with your arm around her.

ii. i scrub and scrub until my skin is red and stripped of all your bitter truths and acid kisses. citrus and peach are the only things that don’t remind me of you, but now that i’m writing this, i think they do.

iii. i’m sitting on your bed in your *** pistols shirt and you’re playing with my hands. you tell me you love me and that you see a future with me. my eyes light up and i’m daydreaming of a life with you. but then i remembered, it’s 4am and your lips like to lie.

iv. your mama kisses me on the forehead and tells me i’m the daughter she’s always wanted. she also told me that if we don’t get married, she’s gonna have a stern talk with you. did she ever do that?

v.  my hades, i don’t know much about love and heartbreak— but you are always the first thing that comes to my mind when they ask me how i’m doing.