three words come in different
forms and frankly
timing is everything
some wait a month and
tell you they love you in the same spot they first kissed you
others nonchalantly throw the phrase into a phone receiver
weeks after they meet you
and then there's always the one who
waited until you were in his bed
pants off and breathless
then months passed and he left you
so excuse me if my time is worth more than
typed out less than three
three words that are variables have to
be carried with more meaning than
the movie styled kiss in the rain or
preconceived ideals
love is after
and only after
three in the morning on a Tuesday
you've been crying since one
voices have been raised and you feel like everything has
changed and you just can't fight anymore
then the sun pours in through the blinds and
you open your eyes and
that next morning those familiar arms
are still around you

Nighttime is scary.
The “monster under the bed” or
the “ghost in the dark”
are childish compared to what
the night really holds.
It holds loneliness,
quietness,
truth.
The truth that
you are not important.
not another soul cares.
Your thoughts are your only “friend”,
and even those are dangerous.
Beckoning.
Calling to me.
SHOUTING at me to give in.
Give in to the urges.
Give in to the hurt.
Open the ivory,
and let the red pour out.
The shine of silver was my only solace,
the “light at the end of the tunnel”.
The SHOUTING is endless.
Deafening.
Screaming to make it stop only makes it louder.
The SHOUTING shakes me.
V
   i
      b
         r
            a
               t
                  i
                     n
                        g
   throughout my body.
M o v i n g me to give in.
Give in.
Give in.
It yells.
It screams.
It is SHOUTING.
Cursing,
yelling,
crying,
screaming.
Nothing works.
“just be quiet. please.”
A whisper.
The SHOUTING stops.
I am all alone again.
The silence is endless.
Deafening.
Screaming for it to come back only makes it more still.
The silence shakes me.
V
   i
      b
         r
            a
               t
                  i
                     n
                        g
   throughout my body.
M o v i n g me to plead.
To plead.
To plead.
It’s hushed.
It’s reticent.
It is silent.
Begging,
praying,
demanding,
urging.
Nothing works.
“come back.”
A whisper.
The SHOUTING doesn’t return.

I fell in love with you because you told me that it would be okay
plus you said you wanted to be a preacher so
I just knew I could believe what you promised

it was so great, I swear

you said you loved me on our second date because I was
unlike any girl you'd ever met and you
wanted me forever and always
and you were gonna be a preacher and you prayed for me
and I really really believed you

God, I was in love

it happened so fast and it was long distance
not like from here to Boston but
two hours was kind of far and I
asked you to prom on your birthday
it was so great, like something off of Pinterest
it was a scavenger hunt with dragon ***** all over campus
and yeah I was in high school and you were in college so
it was kind of lame but you said yes I was going to get
a pink dress and you wanted suspenders and
it was so great

but

what kind of future preacher starts to ask for
pictures of me naked I know
they only last for ten seconds but I didn't want to
but you said you loved me and you wanted to be a preacher
so I believed you and in retrospect I should
have thought things through but you only asked that once
at first and then dropped it so we were fine and
you were sweet and God, you were so handsome
I was in love and it was great

but

then on your birthday you were nineteen and wanted something special so
I bought you cream soda and balloons though
you wanted something that you'd remember forever
you took my hand and told me what you wanted and
I was shocked because I thought you wanted to be a preacher
and yet you told me how badly you wanted me to get undressed
and to give you something you'd never forget
you treated me like a ***** but I was still in love with you
because you promised and I really believed you
cause I loved you and you said I could trust you

then

at twelve on a school night you called my phone
and woke me up, I was so happy to hear you though
because I loved you and you said I was special
and you make me feel so warm inside
and then you sighed
and broke up with me over a phone call
I cried and yelled because I was upset
and you put me through hell but I loved you
so I didn't eat for a few days
and you texted me saying that you were praying for me which
makes sense because you said you wanted to be a preacher

you manipulative ****

I forgot about you and tried to move on with
a fling with a guy who gave me his number while
I was a cashier at the grocery store
and he and I had fun but
he wasn't you
you were in Philly for the summer
spreading the word of Gods love
and then you called me
and told me that you still loved me and begged for
forgiveness and I made you cry but
decided to give you another shot

that didn't work

because you made me think I could trust you again but
I wasn't the only girl who you were calling
and I can't believe you were lying to so many people
while you were on a mission trip
I thought you wanted to be a preacher but
you're a liar

so now we go to the same college and

guess what you're the preacher for the
college ministry which is so funny because
every time you get up to preach and people say you're a great man
I laugh because I've seen you naked
and no one knows the real you that's
not a preacher but I know
and your new girlfriend does she know that
when I first moved here you were texting me behind her back
trying to hook up with me
no I bet she doesn't because you're
real good at keeping secrets
aren't you, preacher
well I've caught on to all your tricks and I'm happy to say that
I'm done with you for good and

now, finally

I don't believe you
and I sure as hell don't need you

maybe I'll get famous from writing a play
maybe I'll get famous from all the things I have to say
maybe I'll get famous for having a lot of money
maybe I'll get famous by marrying someone who doesn't love me
maybe I'll get famous by living like the stars
maybe I'll get famous by living like people who've forgotten who they are
what will I do then?
maybe I'll stay famous by buying nice clothes
maybe I'll stay famous with the white powder on my nose
maybe I'll stay famous by what they say in the magazines
maybe I'll stay famous by forgetting what life means
maybe I'll get rid of fame like the ones before me
maybe I'll get rid of fame because no one really loves me
maybe I'll get rid of fame with a gun
maybe I'll get rid of fame because it stopped being fun
but hey, who knows
maybe I won't let fame own me
maybe I won't let fame take away who I used to be

the sun's going down, but
it's not gorgeous like it should be
the trees are green, but
they're dimmer than they should be
bet he's in bed with a girl
wishing it was me
I mean, maybe
or maybe I just wish it was me