When I was young
I didn't have any doctor bills
now I get statements
special delivery, envelopes
full of X-rays I hold up
to the moon, that rock
sinking deep in my gut
looking like all of those cold
feelings I've swallowed
the many curses held inside
wooden matches chewed twice
and not spat out, a cancer
like a two-headed speckled trout
swimming around
trying to find its way out
when in fact it's just a feeling
I get trying to swallow regrets
one rusty old fish hook at a time.

Some words are feline grace
a gentle touch of skin on skin

brush of a hand, fingers linger
just for a fleeting more than is usual

and you know she has rested
her feline body across your soul.

upon laying eyes on him
she knew-
he'd be the next to break her in two
why not? she wondered
he appears to be full of class
i could have fun with this one
it won't have to last
i won't get attached
upon laying eyes on her
he knew-
she'd not let go
no matter what bad things
he'd do
because no matter hard she tried
he was the greatest heartbreak
that the poor girl ever knew.

Something sacred taken;
Torn from fingers grasping
At a wraith of things held dear.
Avoiding grasp, fog-like.

Helm now unmanned.
The captain, apathetic,
Navigating blindly;
Insidious, with guile.

All things ephemeral, truly.
Permanence, an illusion.
Substance made fluid
Endows fluidity of mind.

All my life I was breathing in the poison air of self-judgement.
The kind that sticks to heart and aura,
bringing heartache in my journey.

Within my intake breath,
judgment of being stupid lodged, causing others to agree.

Within my out take breath,
judgement of not being pretty lodged, as others agreed.

In childhood insecurities plagued, as many teased and touched.
In adolescence fears plagued, as others kept their distance.
In adulthood, I gave my power away, and others took it.

Until light came into self to awake inside heart.

Until heart showed  my true divine self.

Now I breathe in clean air celebrating
connected to source energy.

Now I love myself to feel free at last.

in a world
split into
groups of
two, what
and how and

                                 where
do I belong?
In the gender
binary, I feel
placeless. Not
quite sure if I

                                 will
ever belong
anywhere.
People say that
I am stuck
a woman, that

                                 I
will never be
a real man.
That when
I finally meet
my “well-deserved”

                                end
I will go to
the bad side
of the binary
of the afterlife.
They say I’ll end

                                 up
in Hell, just
for being me.

A secret, forbidden.
Lurks through alleys,
hidden.

An icy breath tickles your chest, while
cerulean flames engulf the night.

A cancer, spotted.
Carves a pathway,
clotted.
Jaundiced rooms ebb and flow, purple
tide pools that dejectedly erode.

A pariah, banished.
Whispers to loved ones,
vanished.
Cannot ignore this chemical *****, golden
glitter still speckled throughout her hair.

A human, forgotten.
Splayed on couches,
rotten.
A look of surprise in his childlike eyes, milky
white oceans that lull him to sleep.