If I think too hard

I can still feel their hands on my body
Four of them rubbing and squeezing and grabbing my skin
Desperate for my oblivious being.

If I think too hard

I can still feel the scratch of his stubble
As his skin rubs mine
And the other caresses me
Taking away my control.

If I think too hard

The world still spins
I can hear the moaning
And the distant sounds of nature
Outside of our tent, but so far away from my reality.

If I think too hard

I can hear their comments of praise
To each other
As I lay there blind drunk
And they do with me what they please


If I think too hard

I try desperately to shield the memory,
The three of us entangled
And together,
A trio of drunken disgrace.

If I think too hard

I cringe and cry
And my legs clamp shut
Disgusted at my stolen consciousness
And forever violated by my memory.

If I think too hard

I hate myself for what happened
I hate him for being drunk
And I hate the other for being selfish,
Breaking my heart and my trust

I had never felt so carefree as
laughter and alcohol soaked the air
and the bass pumped through my veins

I wish I hadn’t gone to the party.

You took advantage of my uncontrollable giggles
my red cheeks and wobbly walk
and I felt invincible, hidden under a blanket of ***

I wish I hadn’t drunk so much.

Your lips crashed onto mine like the waves beside us
and my ability to say no was lost at sea
“What happens in Fiji stays in Fiji”, right?

I wish I had pushed you off me.

Your hand on my arm you pull me away
the cubicle is small and I’m drunk
and you rip off my underwear and shorts

I wish I could have said no.

Just like that I am changed forever
your grunts poison my being
my body violated and used

I wish I didn’t just lay there.

Bugs flutter around the light on the ceiling
so fixated on it, just like I on them
as I try to seperate my thoughts from what is happening to me

I wish I’d said stop sooner.

Your hand grabs the back of my head and forces me onto you
I do as you make me,
for what other choice did I have?

I wish I had been stronger.

“That’s enough” I say eventually
but the damage is done
you have used me like an object and ruined the girl I once was

I am left to pick up the pieces
after you have seen me in my most naked state
I am the one left to suffer as you go on unharmed

I wish I hadn’t gone to the party.