Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness
stitched into the tag in the neck of their coat.
They carry it like a wallet weathered from use
and old gift cards in the pocket poke at the seams.
They keep it tucked away like a pressed flower
in between the pages of their favorite novel
and find it while they're thumbing through
for that line about love that they have forgotten.
They leave it in the bottom of their shoe
and let it poke at their soles when they walk,
and, becoming accustomed to it,
no longer feel it at all.

You weren't a summer love or a great Hollywood romance
You were cold February evenings and sweat pants
I was comfortable and that's the most dangerous when it comes to love
I knew your routine, how you liked your coffee, what side of the bed you preferred and what kept you awake at night

You were pancakes on Mondays at 3
You were who to call when I couldn't stop shaking
You were the one I screamed at when I needed to blame someone
You were my first kiss
They warn young girls about boys like you
But you weren't leather jackets and loud music
You were the opposite of it all

You are 3 am showers because I still can't wash you off 8 months later
You are mid day prayers asking god to give me strength not to cry when I see you in hall
You are why I can't believe someone could ever love me properly
You are why my Top 25 are all sad love songs played in a loop
That's what they don't tell you when they say breakups are hard
None tells you you'll write poems like this lying on the bathroom floor after you learn it was all for nothing

I wish I felt nothing.

I want to be the one you struggle with and keeps you strong when you want to fall the one who keeps your eyes open for so long they start to burn
I want you every second of every day and I shove that deep down and away until I fall into my cotton plush and cry out your name like it's the last thing I'll ever say

I think it'll always be you at the end of my day and I'm not okay with that

i used to think you just wanted to warm your hands
but i realized you really do want to watch the world burn instead
what an awful way to have wasted all the love i had