There's a lot you will never know about me
And there's a lot I will never tell you

You will never know what I am like at 4am restless, tossing and turning
My body tired, but my mind running in circles until it finally comes to a halt and I crash
I can easily fall
Over
Apart
And in love
But I still can't fall asleep

You will never know about my past lovers and the hearts I've built into home
You will never know how I've molded every moment into memory
I etch the details into staying longer than they should
I remember too much too well

You will never know the roughness of hands that have touched me and how their glass fingers left me scarred
I am skilled at pretending I haven't been stolen enough times to feel detached
I can make-believe love to you like I don't know pain
Like I know exactly who I'm with
But I keep the lights on for a reason

You will never know about how I feel
You will ask me every time and I will say okay
You will ask me if I'm okay and I will say yes because I don't know how to say otherwise
I don't want you to know that I'm not sometimes
Being strong is the only choice I have

You will never know my weaknesses
You will never know me vulnerable
You will call me tough like a compliment
Like being a force built of bricks takes any bit of courage
You will watch me chug whisky like water
You will tell me that it's impressive without understanding the power in being able to choose my own bitterness
And how much better it tastes on my own terms
You will watch me love nicotine, not knowing that I am capable of loving you so much more than substance

You know my middle name
You know how I look with your hands in my hair
You know my teeth biting lip
You know what I smell like
You have seen me without clothing
But there is a lot you will never know about me
And there is a lot I will never tell you
Because you'll never ask.

I didn't love you, I loved the way you made me feel

I know you won't read this
Your eyes will meet my name and take on the role of ignoring
They will do their best to avoid its presence
And eventually it will be a skill done almost subconsciously,
Forgetting me

I know you won't respond
If I ask you what happened
If I were to wonder aloud what changed enough to make you do the same
I'm not quite sure you even know the answer
And I'm quite sure I'll never pose the question

I wonder how it is that no one ever told you not to love a writer
Or worse than that, pretend to
These word-wringing hands belong to a body with a heart made of glue
Attachment forms if you get too close,
I am telling you that you did

It's clear that no one ever taught you caution
To be careful with the girl who cares much more than she should,
Who will love you more than you ever asked for
You crossed a line written in red and the footprints are still there

I know you won't remember
The way your lips met my forehead when you said goodnight or how the same ones told me I was beautiful
Your hands formed craters in my back and now I don't know how to fill all of the empty
I am used to an excess of space,
Of vacant but this
Is just too much

I know you won't understand why it is that
People like me always let strangers inside
We open the door without looking through the peephole
And take in whatever the wind blows with open arms
It is a mistake I am not sorry for repeating
You were just one of many

I know you won't read this
I know you won't try to
You will probably see my name and move on the way I probably should have already
You will laugh at my vulnerability like being bare isn't something that takes strength
You will remember my thighs, the unsteadiness of my laugh, the freckle I pointed out above my cheek, my warmth
You will hear my voice in the title
You will see the word poetry and immediately say no thank you
And I will continue keeping the idea of you alive in a language you don't care to comprehend

I know you won't read this
I know you won't try to
But if you do,
Know more than anything else,
I didn't write this for you
I wrote it for myself.

I'd like to say I don't think of you
That you don't cross my mind until your name crosses my screen
And only then do I take the time to care

I'd like to say that I don't
That I haven't devoted any energy to wasting
That it is all too precious to give away to anything but positivity

I'd like to say I would need to think twice if you asked to see me
But I know too well that I wouldn't
I'd say yes
okay
of course
when
All without asking why

I don't know why some people come back and trust me when I say I want to
But I would without question welcome you with open arms and no hesitation
I wouldn't even pause to wonder why you left in the first place

I'd like to say that I'm happy,
That this heart is a filled balloon and there is enough oxygen for me to breathe easy
But sometimes I find myself suffocating on what I don't understand

I am scared that I could so easily let you back in the way I always swear I'll never do again
But I have and I do and I probably will
All you need to do is ask
And I'd say yes,
okay,
of course,
when?

It is Tuesday again and he loves a girl who isn't me.
In 14 days I will have survived another year.
It has been about a week since he hasn't responded.
I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks this heavily.

In 14 days I will have survived another year.
I pour my heart into an unopened bottle of wine.
I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks this heavily.
Half of my bed is on the floor, sheets included.

I pour my heart into an unopened bottle of wine.
It has been about a week since he hasn't responded.
Half of my bed is on the floor, sheets included.
It is Tuesday again and he loves a girl who isn't me.