Against the gentlest ashen bones n’ flesh
I brush my skin and devour this gest
Driveling to stretch these moments last
For let me relish this spell afore;
My beloved becomes my precious past

On this illusory floor of lustrous dreams
I smash the glass of self-esteem
Tapping and whirling until I’m bereaved
For let me evanesce in pulse afore;
The hour is struck of my beloved’s leave

I pluck the leaves of my insanity n’ grief
And brew it well with my rusty belief
On this unsullied tongue I taste the wine
For let me drink before they lift;
Walls around my beloved’s shrine

Over the tormented waters;
I build a wharf and cast my woes
And I lay in peace as a sleeping child
Whilst averting noises n’ my cries
For let me rest in peace afore;
Veils are laid as my beloved dies

Sleeping
Shuddering
Shaking**

Hold me,
Darling.
To keep me from flying.
Remind me,
Darling.
Of the way back.
Save me,
Darling.
From the demons.
Touch me,
Darling.
Reignite the embers of you.

There I go
I lost again
A competition
No one else was in
Me against
My very own
Self against
The outside world
Locked in a groove
Of "Not this
Not that
Just a fool"
So I stay home
Scratch the walls
Till the overgrowth
Is gone

I saw you
I'm not afraid
I saw you
Living inside me
I saw you
And I'm not afraid

Blue poison
You sleep in my veins
And memories
Just memory
Drives me insane

Let me live in this place
Let me get to your face

Blue poison
Remember my name

I know it is too early to talk about Christmas but I already have my list made and this is what I want. I know my list is not exactly rational to some but as an honest person I feel that my list should be honest so when I go to the mall with my nieces this year I will be sure to give Santa this list. Yes as an Aunt I am required to believe in Santa. Maybe I do believe in him. Maybe I never stopped believing. Anyways, here is my Christmas List for 2015:

1.) Spend Christmas in the Children's Hospital with children who can't go home for Christmas because they are too sick. It breaks my heart to think of a child alone on Christmas. I know that families can go to the hospital and spend Christmas with their loved ones but depending on the child's illness, sometimes the families can't. I have a family but I'm not married, I don't have kids of my own so I have all of this free time and love and I would rather spend time with a child who is alone on Christmas just doing whatever they wanted to do than sit at home doing my holiday traditions that I will admit I take for granted a lot. I think it's important to give back and I would love to give a child confined to a hospital the Christmas they deserve, make them smile and help them to forget their pain for a day.

2.) Go to England. I know some may think I'm crazy but I firmly believe something is waiting for me. It's like a pull whenever I see a photo of England. I just have to go there to see what it is. I will admit I'm scared to go because whatever it is waiting for me will change my life and it could be anything. A challenge, a conversation with a stranger, a love affair, an opportunity, inspiration, the list of possibilities is endless.

3.) Meet Derek Sanders from Mayday Parade in person. Hug him and thank him as well as the rest of the band for saving my life. I don't care about a picture or autograph I just feel it is my duty to let them know how many lives they change with their music. I know many fans have already told them that but I haven't, YET, and I want to very badly.

4.) Snow. I miss it. I miss it like a person misses a loved one who is dead. I miss the feel of it. I miss the smell of it. Yes snow has a smell. I miss the beauty of it and how whenever I am surrounded by it I feel like I am in heaven. I miss catching snowflakes in my hand and thinking about all of the miracles and magic we miss seeing because we are so busy rushing our lives to things we don't really want. I miss lying in the snow and feeling like nothing on this earth can hurt me. No matter what I was going through, good or bad, snow had a way of making me feel alive again. I miss that. I need to feel that way again.

So that is my Christmas List for 2015.