when you write a poem
it's like you're supposed to come up with
some kind of grandiose statement
on the meaning of life
you're supposed to add rhyme to your reason

but what if you're just saying words just to spit them?
what if there's no meaning behind what you say
are you a shell of a writer if your writing is empty?
are you a fake if your words are fiction?

if your truest rawest realest grit
is nothing but a bunch of ****,
are you really a bad writer
or good one?

time is slippery

last night

i felt unfaithful to you
even though you were with someone else
(conspicuously absent)
& not even wondering where i was
while i had the fingers of a strange Bear inside me

the bass was vibrating the ground under us
he was rolling & too gentle
but he tried
he brought me up up up
but instead of climaxing
i started crying
all i felt was guilt for letting you down
by being a stranger's ****

i wish you would have been paying attention
because i know you would be jealous
knowing that someone else was touching your girl

but mostly i wish that it had been your fingers instead
your tongue & your teeth
& your hot breath on my ear
your sweet familiarity & your firmness,
your relentless aggressive hands would have made me high
like nobody else ever could
& i would be the best little **** you could ever ask for

i'm so ******* angry but i can't express it
to the people i'm angry at

i've just been peeling the skin off my lips
& covering up the bloodstains with lipstick
so that my crazy doesn't show through

sometimes i have dreams of
piles of rotten meat, green & shiny,
slimy
disgusting nauseating,
******
white film
chewed holes full of maggots
& flies swarming the whole thing
buzzing like a jet engine in your eardrum

i'm lovesick sick in love & it makes me sick i just drip ooze mushy gushy lovey words it makes me want to ***** i disgust myself. feelings are sticky & i'm stuck. ****

i love you
i'm so confused
how do you feel about me?

how can you tell me
that you've "liked" me (air quotes) since we met,
that you would be upset if i had a boyfriend,
that you imagine a future with me

how can you
touch me (almost) everywhere
& bite me
& sleep in your bed with me

but then act like none of that happened
& tell me that you're ******* another random guy
that you met on Grindr

but then two days later you're back
your face between my ******* in a public restaurant
your hands seductive

why do you tease me?
do you want me or not?
do you even know what you want?

i know you have a lot of things on your mind
i know this is confusing for you
but you have to see you're involving me in this too
you have to see this is no longer just about your feelings
because you tangled mine up in yours

but the thing is that i love you no matter what
whether you're gay or bi or anything else
whether you might be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder
whether you are my best friend or my boyfriend or (other)

but i'm scared of loving you
& i think you already know all of the things i just said
so i might never say any of this out loud