Dear fighter,
it'll get better
it'll get better
it'll get better.

Hold on just a little bit longer,
the storm won't last forever.
Remember that you're stronger
and your worries will get smaller.

-m.b

We were meant to destroy*
I mean, that's how we met right? I was walking alone one night, decided to rip up a jacket I picked up from the subway. I heard a crash and you were there; breaking apart a wooden bench by the street. Our eyes met and we exchanged a smile.
That's how we went.
We destroyed walls with our rude psychedelic murals, set the trash cans on fire, broke our limbs when we went rock climbing in summer '09, wrecked every room we went in at 3am on Thursday nights.
It shouldn't be a surprise to how we are now.
All our dates before, we'd destroy at least one thing.
Now we're destroying each other.

-m.b

You said you were glad to be a part of my life
but did you really?

You said you didn't care about my weight
but did you really?

You said you loved my voice
but did you really?

You said you wanted to hear it everyday
but did you really?

You said you wanted to meet me
but did you really?

You said you were concerned about me
but did you really?

You said you loved me too
but did you really?

-m.b

She said his name. Just one name. But her voice cracked and I don't think I've ever heard so much sadness in two syllables. How could just one word mean so much to a person? How could just one word be a name but it makes someone grieve so deeply? She looked so broken. Like her world just collapsed and there is no one to fix the disaster that is her.

-m.b

We are like DNA strands.
Coming together, intertwined
into a double helix.

Our stories were written
before life breathed in us.

We are similar,
though not identical.
But we come together;
Inseparable. Here we are.

A part of each other,
linked into a ladder.
Together, we make up
as an individual.
We are science at
its finest.

Our love is our hypothesis.

-m.b

I remember reading somewhere that memory has a link to doorways. That whenever you pass by a door, you tend to refresh your mind and forget something. And to retrieve the lost memory, you just walk back through the same door and you'll remember the information when you stand in the first room.

Our old house used to be a small, simple space; on just one floor and not many rooms. We've filled the house with so many memories, we didn't have space to make compartmental rooms. Every gap had our scent and laughter; we've touched every single square of our walls and floor, all the way up to our ceilings.

But then the laughter started to stop and the space felt too small. It was hard for us to breathe and secretly we started to scratch on the walls, hoping we could find a way out. You did it first. You left and took off in the night while I was alone, thinking what should I keep and which should I bail.

Determined not to remember what we had because you went oh so easily, I built myself a new house. Instead of a simple one-floor plan, I built a house that stretched long and far, with many doors in between. Maybe if I go through countless of doorways, I'll be able to really forget about what we had, about you, about us. And maybe by the time I reach the final door, it's like the first house, and you and I never existed.

-m.b

She is made of dots. Every dot symbolizes events in her life. From afar, you'd think they are just random sprouts of freckles but behind every spot is a story. Her quietness hides the many dots. I've known from the start that she has a lot more hidden beneath her skin, sprinkled on her bones, pulsing in her veins, throbbing in her brain. Slowly I'm trying to join them together. It could take years and I'll probably die before I finish it but it'll be worth it. She's a brilliant map made of dots. I'm discovering them one by one.

-m.b

When you say that you miss her,
do you miss her intelligence, her humour?
What about her laughter, the sparkle
in her eye when you reach out to tickle
her during your date to the movies
and how she complains when you add anchovies
to your pizza? Do you miss that
or do you just miss bringing her to bed,
a willing body that reciprocate
to your constant inner needs?
Her whole being is a temple
for you to worship but you trampled
on her garden, leaving crushed
seeds of hope and scatters of unbloomed
dreams of being loved and adorned.
Guess you never felt guilty for leaving her torn.

-m.b

I had a bittersweet dream.
An illusion of thee;
with flawless complexion.
An undying need of closeness;
in thy arms of heaven.
To be lost in thine arms of another realm;
forever gone in blissful infinity.
Be that as may,
I cried in despair
so long as there are contact,
thou disappeared
like sand slipping through my fingers.
I awoke, wailing;
as though I've lost a part of me.
True, that might be.

-m.b

And he said
"I keep having dreams of the same girl. She's always far off in the darkest corner of the room. Her skin is always covered in black paint and her mouth opens to talk about bitter truth and she would laugh at her own dark humour. I often try to coax her to talk to me but sometimes she would look at me with a frown, like she's analysing me. Sometimes she would sing to lamented ballads which causes my chest to hurt. I wonder what she went through. Where I walk, I'm surrounded by light. So when I'm within her axis, her painted skin clears up and she would smile genuinely more. With each dream, we would get closer but here's the thing; whenever we get too close, I wake up."

-m.b

I've come to terms that I am now making a home out of myself. I feel like all my life I made homes out of people and I was never truly happy. I was wondering why but now it makes sense that I was just renting. I was just temporary. In other words, I was expected to either leave on my own or get kicked out. I think I've experienced both. But that's history. I'll focus on my own now. Building a new house within me. It'll take awhile, getting the vision house I had in mind to come to life. Decorating with all my favorite collection of artifacts, colors, prints. It's a lengthy process; packing, unpacking, moving my things but I know it'll be worth it in the end. This is the dream home I've always had in mind but never thought I'd hold the first brick in my hand.

-m.b

Every time the Sun rises
and I open my eyes,
as I feel my soul
slowly pulled from slumber,
entering my body, I feel whole;
I remember.
How last night I escaped
reality to meet you.
I no longer feel trapped
when I get to see you.
How my dreams consists
of braving the guards
when they wanted to shoot. I resist
even though some parts
of me thought I wouldn't
make it. I had to see you,
truly I feel like I couldn't
go through life without you.
The winds were rough
and I nearly drowned in the sea
but I couldn't get enough
cause can't you see?
I'd do anything just to see you,
to be with you
because you're the boy of my dreams
and I'd do anything for you, it seems.

-m.b

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
The hood of the car gleamed, painted teal.
I kicked off my shoes, baring my pink feet.
Your jet black hair ruffled by the wind
and I sang loudly to a song you hate.
I burst out laughing every time you winced
then we drove until the night grew late.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
We debated where do we go for a meal
until our throats grew parched from the heat.
Your sweat gleamed in the sunlight
and you laughed at my running make up.
We watched shooting stars at night
while scooping up cookies and cream from a tub.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
You recited a poem about how you feel
every time our eyes and fingers meet.
You placed a hibiscus in my hair
and kissed many parts of my skin.
Telling me how you could not bear
to leave me. Through thick and thin.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
We broke out in a peal
with each joke and pun you uttered.
I grew fond of your warm voice,
especially when you read out loud
from the thick book of poetry and prose;
going in circles, jammed roundabouts.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
On August first, we made a deal.
That we'll stick with each other, won't cheat.
We did our handshake and giggled
when we kept messing up, then started over.
One hand on the wheel, you struggled
like a rookie flame thrower.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
You parked by the roadside to kneel
and asked me to be yours on February 13th.
I laughed and I cried and you did the same
when I said "yes" almost immediately.
We cried a lot and you were never ashamed
of emotions. You always wear it beautifully.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
Fresh bride and groom, I let out a squeal
of happiness for I love you with every heartbeat.
We drove around for our honeymoon,
picked up languages to dance in our mouths.
Wide awake at nighttime, sleeping in afternoons,
different adventures, different months/

We were in a car; with me on the wheel,
you on the passenger seat.
Went for a check-up when you felt ill.
We picked up a scattered magazine to read
as doctors and nurses bustled in and out.
We were assured that you will be fine
so we continued to drive and shouted
at your sickness to leave you alone.

We were in a car; me on the wheel,
your clothes on the passenger seat.
Try as you might, you couldn't seem to heal.
I couldn't take in all the deets.
All I remember was our deal and I had
to laugh at the irony. The only person
who cheated was life. Now you're dead
and I'm left, driving alone on this transition.

-m.b

I woke up late again.
My body couldn't seem
to differentiate between
the am and pm.
What with the rain pouring
and the grey sky peeked
between my fading
yellow curtains. Weak.
I feel weak unlike
when you're here.
I love it when we talk
because it's just sheer
happiness.

I'm sorry if I seem so clingy but ever since you came into my life, I seem to have so much energy. Like all of a sudden I have a motivation to get out of bed before the sun rises and I want to tackle so many tasks and get my day going. That talking to you was like consuming energy pills and all I do is have this stupid smile on my face that I can't seem to hide and I laugh so much, it keeps bubbling out of me. That I just want to keep talking to you because I've spent so many months feeling numb and all I see is grey and all I hear is white noise. But you showed me what it's like to live again. To see a clear road ahead and I could do anything and I actually want to do it. You make me feel alive.

But I guess I can't
have too much of you.
Like in a day, the sun
would shine for just 12 hours.
Can't get too comfortable
cause (like now) you'll leave.
And I have to be able
to once again, live.
This time without you.
At least I've taken
my baby steps you've
generously shown
how to do it. Though I'm hurting.

It's hard to try when you're not there. I've gotten so addicted to your presence cheering me on cause now that you're not here, I feel like my tank of motivation is near empty. That I don't have the urge to get up anymore. What use is it, if you're not there to share all my accomplishments with? I feel like a fool. A fool waiting for a star to cross the sky to let me know you've missed me the way I've missed you. But it's pretty clear that I'm the only one who feels so strongly here. You've done your job and gave me a taste of your medicine so now you're treating other people. I'm not numb anymore though. No. I keep feeling things lately. I feel a pang of pain in my chest because I miss hearing your voice and how you could make me laugh like no other. That we speak in the same language and I feel like our soul and mind are intertwined. The rush of excitement I feel when I see a message but it deflates when it isn't you. How everything I see or hear reminds me of you and I want to talk to you about it but you wouldn't answer me back. I'm slowly giving up on trying to talk to you. Now I'm just here waiting for love through a screen.

-m.b

In Math class we were studying linear equations. You take one of the two equations and make a third one. Take the numbers and symbols apart, see what's inside, then you find your solution by substituting one of them into the equations.

But I had other things in my mind. You're a bigger question to solve. Can I take us apart, rearrange ourselves and substitute for each other? Can we find a third equation to fit in between us to find a solution? Or would there even be an answer for us?

-m.b

You left. I know.
My friends tried to soften the blow
but I turned a blind eye,
hoping I could save my
heart from being torn to shreds.
There are no regrets.
Or so I keep telling myself.

I don't want to know
why or how or
when you left,
knowing it'll cut deep
and I'm just not ready for that.

Remember when I wasn't even
interested in you at first but then
I fell and you caught me mid-air
and I've loved you since?
I loved you before and I always will.
Even if I'm hurting, still.
You'll never leave the messy crevices of my mind.
For you are so beautiful, loving and kind.
We're not likely to meet again
but I really hope you'd catch me one last time.

-m.b

Your favorite shirt, with its earth colours
lay folded in a corner, aged with dust.
You'd wear them on our best days, my fave hours.
Tinkering laughter, warm hugs and solid trust.
Running in the rain, hear you call my name.
Dancing to music, writing you lyrics;
Oh it's a museum of memories.

But bridges burn, leaves fall
and times change.
You made a turn, I gave my all,
we were on the edge.

I dived in and the skies changed colours.
From rock to mud to flowers.
Icy from the winter then hot in the summer, oh.
Baby, seasons change and so did I.
My feelings for you has faded, has faded, has faded.

Remember how we used to gush about each other,
couldn't keep our hands to ourselves?
Did we really come all this way to ******
what's left of our books on the shelves?
We were so vibrant then, but now it's all grey.
So numb and tasteless and dull.
Whatever plans we had, got abandoned.

-m.b

I fall too fast,
too easily.
I get hurt just as
quickly and deeply
too.

-m.b

I'm already falling. I thought I had a firm grip on the ground but it slipped beneath me with each glance I stole.

I tried to push these feelings away but it's still there. Even when I had my eye on someone else, my head would automatically snap to where you are when I see you coming. Always with that energetic bounce. That deep sing-songy voice.

And when I heard that you like someone else, I feel a stab somewhere inside me. I feel the wound getting deeper. I feel the intense jealousy spreading; like an infectious disease.

Knowing fully well this will end with me picking up the broken pieces of my heart, I let myself fall anyway. I can't seem to have a grip on anything. Believe me, I tried.

Where I am now, it's like when you pull the plug from the drain after filling the tub. How the water gets ****** in like a whirlpool. How helpless. That's how I feel. I can't control these feelings.

-m.b

After some time,
you'll grow tired of me.
I know because
everyone does.
I know because even
I get tired of me too.

-m.b

The gnawing pain in your abdomen,
the quick beating of your heart,
worrying thoughts in your brain;
taunting you from the start.

Breaking out in cold sweat,
with the tightness in your chest.
No patience for chit chat
when you're at your worst.

Your cheeks feel like it's burning,
your throat constricts.
Feel that? Your stomach churning
as you start to feel really sick.

Your muscles, they've grown stiff
as you're paralyzed.
You want to, but you can't leave.
They say "It's okay," as they feed you more lies.

-m.b

My fears came back.
Day by day, it would boil within me.
Gnawing in my stomach as I try to fall asleep,
then erupt in the cold mornings.
Crawling its way out through my esophagus,
like an army of giant spiders, fighting to get
out from my mouth.
I could not digest my food peacefully
and my eyes are constantly watering.
The toilet bowl became a familiar companion.
My knees become weaker
and my shoulders are always tense; hurting.
Nights are spent sweating,
even with the A/C turned on in my small room.
The circles around my eyes grow darker
and the lines are carved deeper.
I begin to resent my reflection.
My fears ate at me slowly
until I am anything but cool and stable.

-m.b

I feel like talking about you but I don't want to.
I feel like I should text you but I want you to do it first.
I feel like there's more to you and I want to get to know you more.
I feel like something is brewing but I don't want to hope too much.
I feel like writing more about you but my brain doesn't want to.
I feel a lot of things and when I do I want to turn it into art.
I feel like I should jot them down but my creative side doesn't want to.
I feel this is something else but if it isn't mine, I don't want it.
I can feel that I'm falling deeper but based on my experiences, my crush would never want me back.

-m.b

You've cut off your hands; convinced that you're not what you consider beautiful and it saddens me. But I'll plant a seed of love everyday just so you can walk through a garden of all the love I feel when it comes to you, and what you should feel about yourself. I'll do this just so you can see the beauty that I see. And with every grown seed; the flower that you touch, that's you. You're the beauty. All the bright colours  and scents within these petals and buds. That's what I've been telling you, love. You make the world better.

-m.b

Her once jovial soul
is now so cold.
She used to have a booming voice
and laughed till tears gathered in her eyes.
But look at her now
looking around with a slight frown.
She used to be so lively
but now so moody.
Her once vivacious spirit
now she's tight-lipped.
Whatever made her changed so?
I wish I know.

-m.b

Everyday after we stopped talking,
I've been running.
Running fast and hard,  away from my guilt.
Some days it'll catch up on me,
filling me up from the pit of my stomach,
gnawing its way up.
And some days I'd let it.
After all, it is what I deserve.
I'm sorry I popped up in your life,
pulled you in day by day,
then tell you I couldn't go on further.
I was desperate and lonely and curious
but realised I wasn't ready.
Perhaps I never got over my
fear of commitment.
I foolishly thought I did.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You didn't deserve any of it.
Thank you for your kindness, though.

-m.b

Hello, I hope you're doing fine.
Sometimes I am,
sometimes not so much.
It has a latch
on me.
I'm still not completely free
from you.
There's nothing much I can do.
I'm still healing.
Through reading and writing.
Going back and forth
between old memories and scenes morphed
by my mind;
thinking what if you're still mine?
But that's just unnecessary, right?
Why do I hold on to you so tight
when we're the greatest being alone?
I guess I'm so used to calling you my home.
I'm getting better, really.
I just hope you are too, baby.

-m.b

I have never experienced snow but it might as well be winter right now. Usually when the bad days come, I like to think of it as the raining season. Self loathe, doubt, worthlessness and sadness raining on me. Pouring heavily on every inch of my body. It floods my mind and I swim in the ocean of sadness. But this time it isn't just me. There's you, Ice Prince. How could I have thought you were cool? I should've known you were too beautiful, it can't be real. I should've known the iciness in your pitch black heart. I wasn't entirely wrong, though. You did have mercy. As I was floating in the waters to see you, I thought you could help me. You looked into my soul and placed a hand into the water. I expected warm hands but shocking jolts of ice sparked through. Surprised, it was too late for me to realize that you caused my ocean to freeze over. I am all but frozen in place as I watch you walk away. The ghost of you lingers still. You are frozen with your hand still in the water. We locked eyes and I am forced to look at you in all your iced glory. Afraid to move because you might break and I'll have nothing left to look at.

-m.b

To my dear
future lover,
there will be times
where I
will be distant.
If you are hesitant,
please don't feel hurt.
I've always been quiet.
Even if I am too quiet,
do not fret.
I just need time.
I can't promise that I'm fine,
though. I could be bereft.
You just have
to trust me.
I don't need company.
After all, before I met
you, all I had was myself.

-m.b

How are you able to turn
a sweet fragrance
into a toxic fume?

How are your beautiful promises
then are now ugly lies;
deafening both of us?

-m.b

Usually it feels like being under murky water. Very dark, a complete blur, unable to talk or you'll consume the ***** liquid. The inability to reach out because they can't see your form beneath the waves. You can't hear past the waters. no matter how hard you strain. Getting your legs tangled in the weeds below, pulling you in, pulling you in, pulling you in. With not much hope to let you breathe fresher air again.

But I hung on to that tiny thread of hope and I got better.

However, here I am. In a different environment yet I'm still struggling. This time it's like being in a cool, sandy desert. No sunshine, just stormy grey clouds. People would pop in now and then, asking me how I am. I would smile and tell them I'm fine through a grimace because I'm clutching my chest, it's like I'm breathing through corrupted lungs. Why is it so hard to breathe? Why is it so dark and gloomy? Why do I feel so terrible on the inside? Is this getting better??

-m.b

We met that night.
You kept wringing your wrists.
When we were about to part,
our cheeks met for a kiss.
I asked, "Will you be alright?"
You said, "Yeah, I'll be okay. Thankies"
And smiled sadly, lips tight.

I should've stayed then
so you wouldn't have gone away;
leaving us grief-stricken, hearts broken.
Is this what you meant as "I'll be okay?"
I keep looking at my right hand
where we made matching tattoos last May.

If I could go back in time,
could I have done something different?
Instead of doing this stupid rhyme,
wishing your life never ended.

-m.b

I'm so sleepy, I'm so sleepy;
Tuck me in and sing me a lullaby.
Hold me in your arms
and rock me back and forth.
I need you to blow on my head
as we huddle together on this bed.
"Look at the stars and moon,"
you said as the moonlight streamed into my room.
"We'll escape at least for tonight,
before they bring us tomorrow's fright."
I whimpered at the thought
and snuggled closer to you.
You're my favorite planet
and you're all I need.
So come closer and comfort me.
I need a night's worth of luxury
before I wake up at dawn
with a heavy realization that you're long gone.

-m.b

Knowing you has taught me many things.
You taught me how it feels like to be heard.
You taught me how to be strong.
You taught me to look inside me
and all the beauty inside it.
You taught me to see my worthiness.
You taught me I wasn't the monster
I thought I was.
You taught me that I can be powerful
and that you can be powerful too.
You see, you also taught me that
those Greek myths I've been reading
up on can be true.
I realise that you're a living gorgon.
How your blood could either
heal me
or **** me.
Above all, you taught me I deserve better.
And so I beheaded you.
Because you were right.
I deserve better.
Better than you.

-m.b

I've always loved
hands.
I'd study it
if I could.

My favourite
would be yours.
When holding,
it wasn't too tight
or too loose.

Nor was it
too big
or too small.

Neither was it
too dry
or too sweaty.
Even though you got
worried
that it would be.

I'm a sucker
for hands.
I like yours better
than anyone else's.

-m.b

No wonder I hated you before.
I should've hated you still,
Should've held on to it more.
Cause now it's harder to heal.

-m.b

If love can get lost, then
it can be found.
If a person couldn't appreciate you,
doesn't mean someone else won't, too.
If flowers can bloom after a hurricane,
then you too, can.
Just because you're sad now,
doesn't mean you will be forever.
Everything takes time. Have faith.
Good things, they come in waves.

-m.b

A healing voice;
Deep yet soft,
calls on a moonlit night.
Washed over me like a tide,
surely I'll sleep tight.

-m.b

Is this what heaven feels like? The sweet smell of your cologne filling my nostrils as I lay my head against your thumping chest. The warm feeling when I'm enveloped in your arms. The gentle way you run your fingers through my hair. The twinkle in your eyes when you look at me. The reflex of your smile when I catch you staring at me. The spreading of redness on your sculpted cheek bones. The soft voice you use when you speak to me; like a melody crafted by Orpheus himself. The caresses you rain on my skin; like you're an eager artist and I, your canvas. The soft kisses you lather me in, like I'm the most fragile thing you've ever met and you're afraid I might break beneath your touch. The protective way you hold me like you're worried that I would be taken away from you. I hope we'll never part, in this world and in the next. Every detail of your existence is a God's gift I'm eternally grateful for.

-m.b

He didn't know how to love her.
He was clueless, didn't know better.
He held her when she wanted to fly.
He asked her "what" but not "why".
He looked at her when she wanted to be invisible.
He was a joke but she felt miserable.
He rose up but she wanted to lie down.
He gasped for air but she prefers to drown.
He pressed flowers but she is meant to bloom.
He dreams of a house but she wants just a room.
He wants to learn but she isn't a teacher.
He just couldn't love her.
He didn't want to be separable
but they're just incompatible.

-m.b