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I.

Sickly, dark-skinned Joseph
Bustos was in a suit,
picked his phone from his
Pocket and asked us to take
Him a selfie as he motioned
To the statue of an eerily staring,
Possibly demonic Ronald
McDonald languidly swaying
On a faux-park bench. Collective

Laughter - "Are you serious,
"Man?" We said, having all heard
Full well stories of
****** painted clown statues
Moving its creaky bones
At the crack of dawn only
To devour our soul. "Are
"You serious,
"Bustos?" we genuinely taunted -
"Well I'll have a mirror," he told us
"So don't worry." I never

Quite got what that meant.

II.

The laughter and tales of
Business school and
Med school continued full on
Into the late (school) night,
Dense tails of superglued
Frog brains, Chinese economics,
Girl problems in the
Philippine stock exchange drowning
The macabre absurdity
Of the take out
Terror, Ronald

Staring blankly into the crevasse of
The night, and we absurd,
Blanketing in laughter scarred and scared
Wanting to approach
The chained playground but shivering
At the slightest hints
Of movement - which of

Course

Came. And Jack
Yeung (The largest, yellowest
Of us all, perhaps smartest too,
Studying in Hong Kong)
Leapt, at which we laughed,
And made jokes about how
The cockroaches
Matched the color of
Our country's skin, made it
Crawl not just because
Of its stick thin haunches,
But its brownness,
Seediness, inconcealable

III.

To which we laughed - yellowed
Out, almost as pale
As the sticky ice
Cream cups that adorned our
Table, pale not though,

From lineage but rather
The collective rosiness of our
Disillusioned, ice
Cream-fed cheeks, and the fear
Of darkness, and eerie
Whitefaced Ronald, and
Brown cockroaches and

Spirits that could move
Frozen marble faces. Bustos
Gestured quietly
To his cellphone,
Gazed downward and muttered
Something about
Fraternities and connections.

IV.

Behind our mutterings,
The Movement: children,

Coffee-stained and tattered rag
Shorts slit open like grass stained
Skirts, holding their bony
Hands and kissing Ronald's
Hollowed cheeks like he was
An ancient god. "Stop,"
I imagine us warning them,
"Evil spirits, dark and deep
"As night itself, haunt his body.
"Stay away - we've studied
"His countenance plenty."

They would only laugh though,
And continue to stroke
His paint-chipped cheek,
Brown - not
Ghost-thinned cockroach,
But rather rich
Like brewing coffee and
Fertile

Soil.
I was never much of a writer
I never knew how it was to
Rearrange letters in the alphabet
To form various splashes of color
That create one big masterpiece
I was never much of a writer
I never knew how it was to
Stretch my hands out
And be able to reach for words and phrases
I can use to build and create and make
Into a story I can call my own.
Instead the words and the letters
Looked like jumbled puzzle pieces that didn't quite work together,
They looked like stars
In the form of failed constellations
Mismatched brightness and color
I didn't get any of it
Sometimes I think I was too dizzy
From this 360° spin that we call life
See, I was never much of a writer
But I tried
I tried mix and matching words that I thought would make sense
But they never did
I tried picking the best flowers
For this bouquet of letters and symbols I tried making
But all I ended up with was
Withering words and
Misspelled petals
I tried building
Stories
Lego after lego after lego
But the pieces still refused to fit
So the towers fell; crumbled
Again and again and again
Reminding me of a mistake I made years ago
Again and again and again
Like a song on repeat
And it's times like these when I wish life was pencil on paper
So that I can erase, erase, erase
All the parts of me I didn't like
But I never had enough strength
To pick up a pen and create.
I couldn't.
I tried lighting candle upon candle
Of fragments of stories I thought I understood
So that I could see what the darkness up ahead contained
But all I ended up with
Was a forest fire
And the next thing I knew,
Everything was burning
My home
My papers
My dreams
My desires
My pride
My stubborn head
My rebel heart
And this flimsy, failed wrist of a writer of mine
Everything was burning
And everything that burned turned into ash
Disappeared into smoke somewhere above our heads
So that we can no longer see them
And I finally understood
I was never a writer
I was never the writer
I was never the author
Or the editor
Or the storyteller
Or the poet
I was never supposed to write in the first place
So I stopped writing.
And I let The Writer write
This huge masterpiece of a story
That we all call life
And ever since then,
The words made sense
The flowers never withered
The Legos all fit
The candles stayed lit
And life
Has never been more awesome
A bit of my testimony in a poem. Jeremiah 29:11. Made on March 6, 2015.
I am aware that the lights of this city always wash up underground.
it is here we stumble upon an abandoned MRT car.
we celebrate her finding.

Maybe tonight we'll finally knit her together!

We'll make her whole again!
Bones, carbine batteries, and all:
creaky joints brittle, flimsier than
the hour hands drumbeat-beating back
the good,

old times.

We are tired.
of forever chasing
your headlamp leftovers through decaying brick walls,

tired,
of forever waiting on your streetlamp-stained limbs to finally reach the graveyard stations of our subconscious.

tired,
of picking up after
the shadowy remnants of your visage,
now a checklist of unfulfilled promises:

pulley - rusted,
benches - mothballed,
cable strings - straining.
paint - chipping,

engine - huffing,
axle - bleeding,
spirit - broken.

we are tired of waiting.
For his broken lover; your flightless angel
Because a long time ago her wings got swept away by violent winds
And her song stolen by the loss of it.
Please know that I am with you.
I admire you:
Your dying devotion to her that leaves you hurting
As kindness is traded with knives
And kisses with claws
As little talks turn to shouting marathons
And you run to have smoke.
Please know that I admire you.
You made me believe again in something
I hope she does so too.

For his almost lover; the friend whom you have
But wish to lose--- only to gain something better.
You make me smile.
Not from ear to ear…
But a small quiet, contented smile
I have seen you grow
From a young romantic boy
To the man you are now
I am proud  of you ---
Rooting for you the way a sister does
And I wish you all the best for your conquest
Claim her heart, young man.
You’ve already won the prize.
For two friends who continue loving even if it's hard and uncertain :)
Dear dancer,
behold
a much-belated birthday gift,
an elegy, apology.
I drove 3000 miles west last week
pursuing every single sunset
the way I once chased after you
and... I'm sorry.

Dear dancer, you are a tree.
How wrong to think your shade was made for me.
Leaves and blooming branches
stretched towards the sky,
floating petals dancing in the
wayward air,
roots deep beneath the grassy earth...
How wrong to think your shade was made for me.

To me
you'll always be the dancer,
ballerina, book lover,
pirouettes and paper cuts
and piano strings.
I'm sure you make them sing like
symphonies.
To me,
you'll always have your place,
framed against sunsets,
nostalgic memories.
To me,
you'll always have that blushing grin.
Sometimes I'll imagine you in coffee shops,
and I still have that mason jar of ocean sand.

Dear dancer,
I'd be remiss if I didn't give you thanks.
You may not know,
but
you saved me from depression.
You saved me from myself.
You showed me what it's like
to smile,
to smile from the heart,
and you taught me freedom once again.  

Here it is,
an elegy, apology,
one last poem for you.
Happy birthday, dear dancer.
Happy birthday.
Writing for closure.
Here lies the last of us.
Not the us that you'll look back on as the best friendship ever
or the us that I hoped we would be
but whatever mess of an us that we are
or we tried to be

I tried
at least, I tried
to make an us
I tried to pretend
that hurricanes and
droughts couldn't hold back the us that
I held on to for too long, too much
to the point where I broke us, it crumbled
not into shards of glass like they said it would
oh how easy it would have been to pick those up
and allow time to put it back together
but we, us
crumbled like fine sand

and the wind carried us away
each grain of a story brought into new lands

you are in a different place now

Here lies the last of us.
I am at the shore where the waves crash ever presently
you, you are in a jar
a memory of a place to someone new.
Sometimes words in my mind feel the need to come out and I have to let them. I can not relate to this at all. I don't even know who in my life this would be about lol
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