the nights i sacrifice to stay up and make art
i think
is sleeping really better than being awake?
being aware
sleep is like death
i get it
i almost feel deaf
there so much stillness and quietness
not quite silence
but i can feel the world spinning
i can feel my head spinning
like a merry go round im spinning
being awake
i can focus on myself
reflect on what has been done
and
what needs to be done
i have a lot of time
and
less than 5 dollars on my bank account
label me broke
but
i spent years trying to fix myself
it's not fair
unfair is the society that expects so much from babies
i'm still a baby
like a baby
i eat, sleep and ****
being awake
i become conscious
my bones feel tired
my flesh is slowly dying
my mind feels tired
my brains are slowly dying
my soul?
IT is
my soul IS
my soul WAS
and
my soul will BE
we are like water
we freeze
we melt And we flow
but most importantly we ascend
we evaporate
my soul is never tired
when I'm asleep I want to escape
have an out of body experience perhaps
this body is beautiful but weak
almost perfect
i speak for those who have not yet awaken
come see the light
it might blind but they say love is blind
unwind, rewind
i spend nights like this to work on myself
i have yet to find myself
i have yet to love myself
i tried my best
i tied my bets
i've lost secrets
i've broken promises
we all praise our successes
but
how many of us keep track of our mistakes?
i failed so many times
and
got up again
everyday the sun rises
and no one told him to get up
the sun has no alarm clocks
i'm trying to find the building blocks
and
hope they are made from familiar material
so i can break them down
before break of dawn
but
before i break down
before my tear lands the ground
i wipe them down
you can watch my eyes sparkle instead
like white snow, they sparkle
like each snowflake
so unique
i plan to paint a picture so vivid
before i go to sleep
before i close my eyes and rest my hands
hear me out,
if you're reading this
i love you with all my that I am
we met for a reason
if you were my friend at some point thank you
if you are my friend now still thank you
and if you need a friend
come to me
you are welcome

"I'm so OCD"
OCD isn't a joke.
Washing your hands over and over again until your skin is raw isn't a joke.
Doing things that your brain tells you to do, regardless of what, isn't funny.
Not having control is not a joke.

"You look so anorexic."
Eating disorders are not a joke.
Refusing to eat until it kills you isn't a joke.
Throwing up over and over again to get a body that you will never be happy with isn't funny.
Being control by the one thing that makes you feel like you have control isn't a joke.

"That made me so depressed."
Chemical imbalances in the brain isn't a joke.
Wanting to do nothing all the time isn't funny.
Wanting to die all the time isn't a joke.

Stop making jokes about things you don't understand.

And if you are dealing with any eating or mental disorder, I am so proud of you for still being here and staying strong. I know how hard recovery is. You will overcome it.