Everyone seems to forget how you almost drowned me
It was an accident they tell me
Ha. An accident.
An accident that you so sweetly asked me to come for a swim
You just wanted a friend.
I believed you, I did.
You made me feel that with you I could swim,
That this constant drowning was slowly ceasing.
I trusted you, I ******* trusted you to keep me above the water.
You wanted to drown together.
You pretended to drown yourself,
And then had the nerve to ask me for  help.
Suddenly this swim wasn't so fun anymore.
I tried to swim away,
While also trying not to sink, trying to breathe
And you pulled me under.
You held us both under the water,
Laughing on the inside while you told me it was all my fault.
it was always my fault
I managed to get an arm above the water; signal to someone on the beach.
They pulled you out of the water but you were angry.
You were so angry.
I'm still not quite sure why, though.
Was it because I didn't drown?
Because I wouldn't drown with you?
Because you wanted me to pay more attention to your drowning than my own?
Or because I could see that you were lying?
That your strange obsession had become so prevalent that you had to mimic my struggle, then manipulate me into staying there in the water with you; knowing eventually my body would get tired. I'd sink to the bottom and you'd cry because you lost your toy.
You're a parasite.
You feed off of the first weak prey you can find and you **** the energy out until there is nothing left.
The worst part about this?
You told everyone that I watched you drown, that I maybe even pushed you down further.
And they all were ready to call me a murderer.
Meanwhile I'm still in this water,
While everyone tells me that I should've been nicer to you.
That you're such a sweet guy, you would've never tried to drown me.
They don't know that you didn't just want a friend.
You wanted a puppet, a toy, someone to stalk, someone to manipulate.
They don't know you threatened to **** yourself when I begged you to let me go. They don't know you were lying just to get me to stay. To let you keep manipulating, keep invading.
I called it **** of the mind.
I begged you to leave, I asked you so nicely to let me be.
You're scaring me, please stop
Please. I used that word so much. So. Much.
But you kept coming closer and closer, acting so sweet while you did it. Convincing everyone that I'm the *****, that you just wanted a friend. That you were the one suffocating. Cutting off  my oxygen every time you hugged me. But they couldn't see that. They could only see the hug.
"What a nice boy," they'd tell me as I forced back tears, nodding my head in agreement.
I loved you, I did.
Until I realized your hand that held me was my own personal shackle, and to this day I am still restrained by its being.
This doesn't even explain the half of it, but just know I still hate you for all of it.
Everyone has left me here in this water, unknowing that I was, and I am still, not safe from you.
But I am still fully aware that you have every intention of coming back and pushing me under.
She drowned herself, You'll say now, with fake tears filled with resentment and successful revenge.

they teach you to be happy
because you've lived all these years
because there is another to come
but I have to wonder
what makes them think I wanted to live in the first place?

Well, you're beautiful, aren't you?
Something about you makes me want to stay
Perhaps it's the way the breeze feels when you radiate warmth
Or the way your soft, cold plushness feels against my skin.
Or the calmness you bring to me when everything seems to speed up.
My favorite gift from you,
The best thing you've given me is
Clear skies
Bright eyes
And hope.


I'm in love with the earth.

Hold on
Hold on
Hold on
STOP

LOOSTEN YOUR GRIP
LOOSTEN YOUR GRIP
LOOSTEN YOUR GRIP
you're slipping

you're okay
you're okay
you're okay
YOURE FALLING SAVE YOURSELF YOU ******* IDIOT

HOLD ON
HOLD ON
HOLD ON
relax

you're holding on too hard
you're barely holding on
should you even be holding on at all

Tell me

*should I let go

They released the paper planes 
And watched curiously with the stopwatch to measure 
How long they flew 
How far they went 
Even the paper planes had more consciousness of where they were going 
I was lost 
I was stuck in the air 
A sky unfamiliar to me 
A mere few feet from the ground 
But unable to hit the surface 
Trailing along 
Wondering when the wind would stop 
The paper planes had landed
When would I?

I suppose it's true
All this ******* is nothing new
You still seem to be blind to everything you put me through
Running around like a mental asylum patient, begging for an answer-what to do
I don't want to leave so soon
But my hatred for myself is growing in a way that I can't stop-that I can't help because you're making it so
And I can't breathe because all your oxygen from then til now has been coming from me
And I can't walk because suddenly the steps feel so heavy and the weight is too much while you live with scarce thoughts
Of me.
And I know that's not how it's supposed to be and you say you love
me but maybe that's just a way to keep your pleasure arriving while tomorrow I'll be
Crying.
You say you'll protect me from all hurt, you'll shield me from all pain, you'll make sure I am loved through and through
But this is where this question arises that I've pretended I didn't need to ask
Who, my love, is going to protect me
From you?

Never has it been so easy
To say I love you.
To mean it, truly mean it.
It's almost enough to make me believe in Heaven,
The feeling of your body wrapped around mine
Or your lips on my neck.
You've given me courage to try new things
But also to refuse to abide by rules which I do not approve of.
You've become the only one who has ever made me feel safe,
Or made me laugh that hard.
I'd say this is a tacky poem
But you'd just mock me in a voice that sounds nothing like me, by the way.
Someday we'll have all the things we've wished for.
But honestly,
I already have everything I want here with you.

Now I have a new mission
He just needs someone to fix him
He's been using the temporary release
But it'll only be so long before the temporary cure will cease
Sometimes I may have to cover the gun he's pointing at me
But he'll throw it away as soon as he sees
You're not crazy, my dear
You're innocent and sweet, and it shows with each tear
I'll be here for you, I won't leave like the others
Just lay with me here under the covers
Close your eyes and find something calming in what I say
I'll do whatever I can to make it okay

And I love you with every inch of my being
Though it sounds cliche
It couldn't be more true.

When you left, I shattered.
Clenching my teeth and tightening my bones
To keep from falling apart

There was so much happiness
So much I should've appreciated
So much I loved but never knew

Now we just might be an unrepairable vase
Left in pieces on the ground
Too broken to put the pieces back together

But I love you.
I love you so much my heart feels as if it is being consistently beaten with a hammer
I love you so much I am crawling out of my skin waiting for you to come back

And if I weren't afraid of looking so desperate
I'd beg you to give it another chance
We could be greater than we were
We could love stronger than before.

With the ****,
The ****** of mind,
Deprived of the only thing that could fill
The dark void that is one of a kind

Slayed your soul,
******* your thoughts
On you she took such a toll
Break free, before you are stripped by the lot

Who is this newborn
This person I do not know
The careful heart, shattered and torn
Where is it now, where did it go

And I hope someday
You'll be revived,
You'll find your way,
And know that you don't have to let yourself die just to feel alive

Let me cry because I hate myself.
Let me die when I am no longer feeling alive.
Watch the tears dry like paint on a wall
But you won't have to wait too long until they again begin to fall.
Let me ***** my sleeves with the mascara that will run.
Let me double over in regret for all the things that I have done.
Watch me mime the silent screams
And realize people are never as sane as they seem.
Let me shake until my body shuts down.
Let me sleep until I do not wake.
Don't be too kind,
But absolutely do not console me by saying *it's all in your mind

I don't want to write another poem about how much I love you
I'm not the cliché girl,
The wanna-be tortured poet
Who's in love with her boyfriend slightly less than she's in love with her complicated relationship.
Because I've realized over these past few days,
what I've forgotten these past few weeks.
Though this is obvious to many,
and to me, some odd months ago,
love isn't simple
Or obvious
But it is there.

You will forget what made you fall in love in the first place.
You will want to give up because the tears become rocks that crumble out of your eyes that have become too tired to stay open any longer.
Because the ache in your body doesn''t leave on those nights neither of you can figure out what to say or how to fix it,
Because that ache seems to reach its peak at 3am.
Because you never truly go to sleep those nights.

You will lose track of the path you were on.
You will go crazy from all the painful thoughts that circle your brain looking for a release because nothing makes your bones hurt more than the overbearing want for someone you already have.
Because you have him but tonight he's gone.
Because he needs you but tonight you're too stubborn to see it.
Because tonight you feel so disconnected.

And tomorrow, you will breathe.
You will take long breaths, somehow allowing to let a smile escape with that breath because after the chaos from the night before, you realize you've never felt so alive.
Because the first time you met, or kissed, or made a promise to each other you were left just as breathless as you are now, from merely remembering those tiny things.
Because the first time he said I love you, your body couldn't decide whether to relax or shake and you were too paralyzed to say anything back.
Because now you both say it so much, it probably should have lost its meaning.

But it didn't.
Because every time he says it feels like the first time.
Because being in love with him isn't easy at all, but loving him could never be any easier.

Baby you're a cliché
In every shape and form.
Stealing and lying
Living so close to the edge you're about to fall off

I know I said I love the danger
Much like I love you
But there comes a time where it becomes more of a suicide
Than a seeking for adrenaline

I don't want to believe you've sought out your own ruin
They all tell me it ends here for you
But you still have time.
You still have time.

Become that beautiful boy
The one I know your biggest influence would've wanted you to be
The one you're truly meant to be
We're losing you, love.

You've given up on the rest
Maybe all the blame put on you before his departure
Was what made you start taking on the actual crimes
But I can't stand to see you behind those cruel taunting bars

I can still see that innocent, sad boy in you
The pure, loving one you've told me I bring out
I'll kiss it all better, every second of every day
Until I can get that boy back

I know you're not okay
But neither are we
So let me fix you
Or at least let me try

He says he's numb to the world
And though he wishes it were true
While he allows the thoughts in his mind to quarrel
I'm sorry my dear, but the world is numb to you.

Every word he hears pinches a nerve
And every lost love he has passes by
But the world watches as if this is something he must learn
As if he hasn't had enough reasons to cry

I'm sorry, love,
I'm sorry things happen like this
And though I see you smile some,
I know it doesn't change all the things I just wish I could fix

There was a girl who cared too much.
She loved and she loved
But all she got back was her torn heart in her hand,
Crushed, crushed, crushed.

She'd throw her last penny in the wishing well
In hopes that life would be better
For a girl from a faraway land,
Living through hell.

She'd let the Prince break her heart,
Smash it to pieces time and time again,
Just so he could realize that there was a different princess,
With whom a relationship should start.

Though all of this may sound quite depressing,
She is always filled with joy at the thought
That someone is finally getting what they desire,
Yes, she considers this personality trait a blessing.

Give, give, give, giving girl.
Do what makes you happy, give your love to the world.
Take, take, take, Take until she can no longer live.
Do what you do best, world; and take advantage of the fact that she'll always forgive.

One last thing before I go.
A story about the girl's murderer,
A heartless friend who ended her life in youth.
You mustn't let the nursery rhyme fool you, so here's the honest truth.

She sat happily on the wall, when all of the sudden she felt a hard shell.
Humpty Dumpty had pushed her off, with all intentions of letting her fall.
She grasped for him to save her, her last words being as caring as she-
I hope he doesn't feel guilty, I know this happened accidentally! -
But don't worry, karma delivered its share. as Humpty Dumpty lost his balanced
And fell off the wall as well.

it was the kind of love that made your body shake
it was the kind of love that made proclaiming its existence every day and night inevitable
it was the kind of love that could truly and honestly bring tears to your eyes when thinking about how strong it was
it was the kind of love that broke you down, piece by piece
the kind that ripped you apart but sewed you back together by morning
the kind that made an inch of distancec from each other feel heart-achingly far

it is the kind of love that still keeps me awake at night
clinging to my blankets
dampening my pillows with tears
wishing that our kind of love could have somehow been right

The television blares, it blinks, it shakes
A cup falls out of the cabinet, it flies, it jumps
They shatter.
Someone's banging on the door, they scream, they holler
She's laughing in your ear, a witch-like cackle
Ha-ha-ha That's all she's says, that's all she does
You keep your head facing forward, don't dare to look around
It's all madness, the footsteps on the ground
Who's creeping down the stairs, you didn't have guests
Who opened the window, who made such a mess?
The laughing
The constant laughing like chimes, it intensifies
Cold sweat, warm tears,
Your body is paralyzed in face of your greatest fears
Do it! Punch a wall, kick a desk!
But sweetie, there is no time for rest.
We must go, we must hurry!
They're almost here!
Who? You feel dizzy. Not another surprise please, I beg you, not another.
The room starts spinning, the ceiling circles you like a volchar.
The small man, with the elf-like features, he's tugging your arm
He's pulling you, as she laughs with such insanity your stomach churns.
Who are these people, what is this hell
A piercing scream is released into the air,
You believe it was your own, but with all the creatures yelling in your ear, you can't be certain.
The noises crank up, the objects fly off the walls
The TV changes from loud channel to channel, from voices to white noise
This is the worst, this is the peak
But suddenly it all stops with a screech.
The tv is in its place, normal channel, normal news
All the items are in their spot, all organized, all unused
There is no laughing. There is no man. There are no footsteps. There is no pulling hand.
But it was all there. You know it was.
Silence. Eery silence.
Now you're left in the confusion of your own mind.
But perhaps you've been there the whole time.

Sometimes I wish for someone to tell me that I'm okay
Or at least that I would be,
On a different day.

Because some days, I feel like I identify too much
With a shriveling flower
Too late to be saved, too bent and crushed

But nobody wants to tell me that
Maybe they don't care. I don't blame them.
I don't deserve to be saved. But that doesn't change the facts.

Maybe the reason most depressed people
Become killers of the monster that has now become themselves
Is because it already feels like death; dying.
Like holding onto the edge of a cliff that you know you're going to fall off of.
But there's your family, your friends, all the people you love, begging you not to let go.
Even though you know. You know
Eventually you'll slip, and they'll hate you for it.

Don't let me slip.
Don't stand there and beg, hold onto me.
*Please?

Corrupt the innocence
Poison the sanitized
Intensify the danger
Dischevel the brain
Starve the greed
Feed the curiousity
**** the clock
Ignore the hours
Bury the body
Cover it with flowers
Forget never the philosophy
Of the need for power

There is no lullaby or mattress that could mold me into such a sleep that laying on another provides. The soft rise and fall of their chest, perfectly collaborating with your own. The loud yet slow heartbeat reminds us that though this sleep feels like heaven, we have never been more alive. When the cold breeze chills the skin, there is a warmer sun beating down against my back, your chest, my neck, your cheeks. And we lay in the silence contently thinking that nothing had been, or could ever be, so simple and soft. That moment we never left. Weeks, months, years go on; but we lay there in that moment forever still, never moving or breaking the steady pace of our breath and beating hearts.

The devil has shaped your eyes
With that same fierceness that he used to create the anger that fills you inside.
The drunken sag of your eyelids as your brain tries to muster up a malicious plan
All the while your heart fighting you, whispering, trying to remind you the tranquility you possess when your feet hit the sand

But you're long gone now

Past the sound of the ocean and the breeze of the beach
All you comprehend now is the sound of your own scream.
Laugh. Laugh your condescending laugh that stings like salt in a cut.
The cut that you drew with your knife-like words, each time slicing and splitting the skin of my trust.

And you are, you are long gone now.

You'd try to silence my words with a comment through your gritting teeth
Being just as strong as it is weak
But you don't feel that way, you think you've won.
So pat yourself on the back, say good job and relax.
It's not going to be my problem when the realization hits that you just spoke like the man you swore you'd never become

That's when it hits you
You're long gone now.

My hand could be bound by yours all day
And I could duplicate the shaky pace of your rising and falling chest all night
But I can't seem to hold my ground.
Just when I think I can do this
When I think I'm the brave one
The walls I put up come crashing down.
I'm so scared.
So.
Scared.
This is too good to be true, isn't it?
Things aren't actually this perfect, are they?
I'm not allowed to be this happy.
This wasn't in the rule book for me,
Nobody told me this was going to happen.
Nobody told me I'd feel okay for once, safe for once.
And here I am, happier than I've ever known,
Yet I can't stop crying.
Someone tell me,
please,
that I won't **** up this time.
I'm starting to relax the tension in myself, the internal conflict, and I've never done that.
I'm afraid to be vulnerable; I'm afraid to be yours, I'm afraid to be happy.
I want it all to stay the same, but I want it all to go away
So I have no chance of ruining your day

He scrunches his eyelids.
Peers through the half-closed curtains,
Which cover those big eyes with a color that has yet to be named,
At the bright light of lovely advancement
That connects him to me.
He's sleep stubborn.
Refuses to cave.
Until those curtains close themselves,
Until only sporadically does the bright light seem to shine.
Lit up with my awake little talks,
While he tries his very best to hide his sleepy eyes.
But he can't.
I know it, I do.
Even from behind those distanced bright screens of ours,
I can feel those sleepy eyes closing.
And the countdown begins.
Until I receive the message that tells me what I already knew.
He's sleep stubborn.
And that's something he never wants to admit to.

Long live thy somber sound,
and retreat back for one final round.
Reverse the clock,
and let the time pass as if it never stopped.
Watch me melt like the wax of a candle;
Like play-dough in your hands. Always on the brink of what I cannot handle.
So light the wick, but set me on fire.
I'll burn with these feelings, these hopes and desires.
Though I am unsure if my life's direction is down,
I am very certain that it is to home I am bound.

I want something sweet
No, not like food
Not like gifts.
I want something sweet

Something that smells like summer
Rests like lake water
Warms my skin like midday sun
Frees me like a swing

Something that sounds like whispers
Talks like peace
Comforts me like home
Cheers me like Maine

Something that loves like a puppy
Fights like a lion
Finds me in the dark
But puts me into hiding

I want something sweet
Maybe a tad bit complicated.
Maybe it'll be short-lived.
But it's happiness.
*I want something sweet.

I think the worst part about it is the horrible physical pain. Your body crunches and folds into itself and you want to scream out- just like if you had broken a bone or something. But that's the thing. There's no casts or bandages to put on it- no relief, no immediate treatment. You can't go to the hospital and have them fix you. You can sit in the back of the car and let someone drive you around for hours-scream all you want, cry all you want. But the truth is you're going nowhere and neither is this pain. Nothing numbs it. Nobody can make it go away, especially not you. So keep screaming. It doesn't get better.

but above all that,
i do wish to say
that hurting you was never part of the plan,
in fact there wasn't ever a plan at all
sometimes things just happen
and i'm sorry for that

The world is cruel
The world is mean
The world is filled
With people like me

He loved his teacup.
A souvenir; one of a kind.
He treated it with such respect; for a minute it almost had peace of mind.

He loved his teacup.
He admired it every day.
Making sure it knew how special it was, with all the words he could say.

He loved his teacup.
Showed it off to the world.
The little teacup finally felt important, more than just a container where tea was swirled.

Then again, maybe he didn't love his teacup,
Because, one day, he dropped it.
He left it on the floor, where all the broken pieces still sit.

But the world was in his favor,
There was something more special somewhere close!
And the broken teacup piece started to wither like a rose.

Don't fret though, don't be sad for the teacup.
A passerby saw it there, broken and confused.
A sweet person really; and back together the pieces were glued.

And the world is too loud
I'm struggling to hear my own thoughts now
Maybe it's not the first time in my life I've wanted a drink to down
Or a blunt and join the crowd
But that's not helpful to me
Though sometimes it feels as if blurry vision would help me see
And you ******* in my ear isn't exactly the way I want it to be
But I guess that's how things go
When I'm happy I want the world to know
And when my mind returns to its discheveled state I'd rather not have it show
We're all desperate for the love but every time it comes I forget how to say a word other than no