I was never satisfied with being the observer
or the healer
I wanted to be healed
I wanted to be fun to watch like the many people I observed and loved at a distance
I had a habit of seeing things from one set of eyes only
I tried on different masks
I felt lonely
I felt numb
There was nothing to me
except speculation
But I pushed this away
It only came in between helping others
I used to think I lost myself in guiding others
But I had never found myself in the first place

Reflective states would come in waves
But I had forgotten how to swim
The day I fell into the sea

It may have been a river
But I couldn’t tell
Because I was just a pebble

I was staring at my footsteps today
And I remembered how small my feet are
Maybe that's why you didn't stick around
Because his imprint was bigger than mine

I told myself I was being silly
I walked the other way

Then I thought of how you always dreamed of being covered in tattoos
And I thought of all the conclusions I had drawn for you
It made no sense to me why you'd leave
For he hadn't drawn one blueprint for your tattoos

I stepped toward where I stood before

You hadn't been around for months
You hadn't seen my latest paintings
Or tasted the Indian stir fry noodles I slaved over---

I took another step

You hadn't seen how my hair had grown
Before I trimmed my ends---

I took another step

You didn't know how in love I was
or what my plans were for the next week---

I took another step

That I plan to go out of the country this summer---

I took another step

I found myself at your door

I remember how twisted I felt knocking with ****** knuckles on your door
Trying to talk to you but
You don't call me anymore

I walked away from your door