my life changed the day i met you.
something in me bent
my heart twisted in a way
to look behind as you walked by
enthralled. enraptured. engulfed
by the oceans of your eyes.
never had i felt in such a way
and especially about someone
who was just like me.
the day i began to love you
changed my life forever.
for you were not who i imagined
when i was a child, dreaming
of my wedding day and of
my happy, white picket fence.
no, you weren't who i imagined
when i saw the disney movies,
the dramatic ballets with
hetero-normative plots
and the couples at my school
eating face in the hallways
and talking about *** behind
the bleachers and beer soaked
prom parties.

to say i ever felt like i fit
into this life of man and woman
would be a complete and utter lie.
i've never felt comfortable
with the idea of my life
being permanently attached
to someone of the opposite gender.
my friends were always women
i never found male celebrities
attractive, and even when all
the girl were discussing who
was cuter, i felt...
displaced.
but i continued into it
because i felt like i had to.
like it was life and there was
nothing i could do to alter it.

until i met you.
then my whole life changed.

you understood me in a way
that no man i've ever been with
could or ever will
you read me like a book
carefully, intensely, picking
apart ever word from my psyche
defining and crafting
you saw through me
you saw into me
you intimately knew me
even more than i knew myself.
and i couldn't handle it.
so i left you cold and alone
because that's all i knew.
in every relationship,
i only knew cold and alone.
because no one had been able to
set me alight like you did.
no man had been able to ignite
passions and desires and feelings
like you so easily did.
so in every relationship
i ended up the way i left you.

it's been dark for sometime
since the day i met you
i've still taken three years
to fully figure it out
and even so, i'm still learning
the deep intricate parts of my
own physical and spiritual being.
but you helped me to understand
you helped me to crack open
the bottle and let the wine begin to
flow down, down into my glass
that would and will be my life
from now on. you changed me.
for the better. for the worst.
and i will have your memory
married to my heart for the rest
of my time here on this earth.
you helped me to unlock
the key to my own happiness
that i was too blind to see
and for that, i can never thank you
enough. every day is still
a struggle to know what i did
to you and to know what i lost.
but i have to admit, that seeing you
happy actually brings me
peace. for if you can find
the love of your life in a reflection
of yourself,
so can i.

I dreamed of lace
again I said
I dreamed of you
away you led

My arm so warm
and wrapped so tight
until we came
to that fateful night

To my knees I fell
upon that cursed ground
you stood over me
not making a sound.

Hands on my shoulders
your body pressed in
and Fire you spit
telling me of awful sins.

so deeper I sank
into that place so dark
until I finally heard
the singing of my lark

My lark so beautiful
and so kind and so smart
they became my everything
Every piece of my heart.

so now I lay
in my heart above
and I dream of nothing
except a life full of love.

It lingers
Your fingers
On my breast
You reach in
gripping me
and you tug
furiously, my
beating *****
pulling me out
bleeding indefinitely
for no matter what i do
no matter how
many times i try
no matter how
many times i lie
no matter how
many times i cry

You
Are
Inescapable

i forget
how evil i am
through all the veils
and make-up
and clothing
and false promises
flaccid and limp
like the wilting roses
sitting in my vase
months old now
i forget

and then i look deeper
and see my cruelty
and see my blackness
seeping into the cracks
and crevices of my
corrupted mind
the faces and souls
of those i've tormented
looming the back of my mind
i am the villain.
i forget
how evil i am.