I can't help but let my thoughts run wild
I can't keep up with them though
because they take me to places I wish I had never seen
Places I didn't know existed
I always stand with the same unanswered question:
”Why am I here?”
But do they listen?
Not even once do they turn around to answer,
they don't even look at me with the intentions of even thinking of an answer
Some just grin at me, while others look at me with expressions full of panic
Their emotions are somehow contagious so after a while I find myself
full of shame
full of fear
full of anger
full of hate
I somehow come back to where I was all along;
In my room on my bed, crying without knowing when I began
All I know is I can't keep up

Well let's see
It is 6am
Did I sleep?
No I did not.

I can hear
my sister walk
towards the bathroom
at 6 o'clock.

After this
In one hour
everyone
will be up.

But at that
time I will
be fast asleep
time will stop.

While I am
in my dreams
please don't
wake me up.

Because it
never lasts
long -so it's
all I got.

I think the only and best reason
to why I cannot dare to be fully myself around people
is that I tried too many times that people have pointed it out
and made me feel like the drunk person at the party who took it too far with the striptease
And then I am cooled out from any other of their great parties
because nobody likes the person who is too different

I came to a conclusion that I do no longer want their acceptance
nor their invites to their social gatherings of ”who can be the biggest ******* without being the real *******”
Because I simply think the right people will come to me
and even if not, I can always get a cat or a dog

I noticed that
even if I get drunk
it doesn't stop my thoughts
So I might think when I'm in the crowd
sorrounded by people
laughing
shouting
just plain having fun without being fully aware
but as soon as I am alone in the bathroom
and I stare into my reflection I realise
I can't run away from my mind

I'm a very colourful person
but I can be black and white if I need to be
yet only few people get to see my grey zones