real
loneliness
is not
necessarily
limited
to when
you are
alone

Anxious, perplexed, insomniatic and imaginative
Forever questioning the positive and negative

These late nights attack your mind
Turn you into a different kind

Monsters, ghouls, witches and claws
The night infested with thoughts and thoughts

The light in the room is too bright in this darkness
Eyes are squinting, but the mind is relentless

His whiskey-stained breath poetically reciting his thoughts.
"Everything has a beginning and everything has an end."

A little bird flies and sits momentarily on a branch.
"If that isn't a beautiful omen, then I don't know what is."

The shadow marking the betrayal of the sun disappears on the mountains.
"Now people are waking up to the sun's rays on another side of the world."

A sunset. A goodbye here

-

A hello somewhere else.

I promised myself I wouldn't talk to you
For a week.
Every day of that week,
I woke up feeling sick.
Feeling like there was a pressure cooker
In my chest
And the only way to let off steam
Would be to say something to you.
I battled.
I won.
I trudged through every ****** moment,
And yes,
It was hard the entire time,
And yes,
I hated myself for being unable to stop
Wishing I could just fold.
And the only thing that kept me going
Was that if I waited long enough
Maybe you'd notice you wondered where I went.
If I could just wait a week, that was how long it had been
Since you said anything to me.
If I could wait a week
We would be on equal footing
For once.
If I could just
For once
Not be the one trying so ******* hard
To get your attention...
And here it is,
A week.
A week I bribed myself through
With the promise that the moment it had passed
I could say one little hello to you,
And the possibility that maybe you'd say something
Back.
Here it is,
A week
And
What I realized this morning
When I opened my eyes and thought of you
Like always
Is that now that I've gone this far
I am afraid to lose my self respect...
Just for now, I have a glimmer of pride in my own heart.
Just for now, I find that I am much more afraid to say something to you
And have you ignore me again
And feel powerless and stupid and...
WEAK again,
And have to live in fear, loathing myself for loving you so much,
Than I am to trudge on in painful
But calm
Silence.

I love you
And when I say that
I mean that I will always forgive you,
And that I will always see the best in you
And that I can never stand to be angry at you.
I love you,
And I will prove it every day
Whether or not you even notice.
I love you
In a way that scares me
And should scare you too
Because if I had the power to destroy the world for your sake
I might just do it
And have no regrets,
And all that said, I want you to know
That when I say I love you
The faith in my words comes from a place of knowledge,
Not foolishness,
From a place that has been ransacked and raided and razed,
From a city that has been burnt and rebuilt so many times that
The ash in the soil could grow a forest in a day.
This love comes from a wise place,
Not a naive one.
And yeah,
It's still here.

I'm looking for a home.
I always think I've found it,
But I'm beginning to realize that maybe life
Is all about finding home,
And if you find it
You've finished.
Maybe life is just about chasing
Whatever makes you feel like you're home.

You know those people who burn love letters
After the breakup?
I'm not one of those people.
It hurts me to think that anyone could.
What sense is there in denying that something good happened
When such little good comes into such a long life?

When you said we should get a tattoo together
I knew you'd leave someday.
Is that weird?
I knew, that moment.
And I was sad about it for a month
But I never said anything-
When I know things, I just know,
And there is no reason to rush the end
If it's coming anyhow.

I wish I could say I didn't expect you
Not to miss me.
I wish I could say I didn't expect
Not to miss you.
But I see it all coming.
It's my special gift.
I know what home is
And I know when it leaves.
See, I don't leave home.
Home leaves me.
And that's okay.

But I think I need to say
Because I think it is important
That for a minute you were home
To me.

For a minute, your arms were enough.
Your husky smoker's voice,
Your fairy wing shoulders.
For the barest moment
I could see home in your eyes,
And oh,
I lived in that moment.

I am
Such a wanderer.
I'm not sure
I'll ever have roots.
No.
No
I'm not sure
Roots
Will ever have me.

Growing up I used to cry because I missed home.
With my head in my mother's lap
In my living room
I was just too young to explain
That I didn't know what I was homesick for
If I'd only ever lived in one house.

I thought I found home once,
The real kind
And I'm still homesick for that feeling,
That addictive, safe feeling
Of thinking you know what the next day
Will bring you
But
Just like home
That knowledge is never what or when or where
You expect it to be
And it never stays for long.

This isn't a love letter.
This isn't a goodbye, either.
Or maybe it is.
I suppose that
Is up to you.

I guess all I wanted to say is
Knowing you was like driving by a house in the suburbs
Late at night
And all the lights are on
And someone forgot to draw the curtains
So before you round the next curve you can see by accident
A slice of happiness
And maybe you see yourself there
With someone's arms around you
And a cat on the back of the couch
And in that moment
You're home
And then whoosh
It's gone behind the trees and you
Have to keep going forward
Because
Well

You've somewhere to be.

Knowing you
Was kind of like that.