the first
was a backseat freestyle
half-Catholic, half-alcoholic
rampaged my underage
with whiskey and wallet,
a secret
only until

the second
alexander the great
undefeated in battle
he knew my worth
but not its weight

the third
disguised as hymn
soaked our nest in sin
led me in a prayer every night
baptizing my body with his white

the fourth
****** me like corpse
gold cross beat collarbone
and hands like Caesar
overthrew me
into

the fifth
traced the contours
of my wrists
he was a righteous king
until
“this will feel good”
robbed me of
my womanhood

the sixth
looked at me
like I was the sky over Judah
vowed to be loyal
crowned me royal
then stormed my capital
at dusk

the seventh
rough and
in Hebrew tongue
“this is the first time
i’ve done this sober
in awhile”

the eighth
graced me
with misogynist faith
made me kneel
until my knees
were just bruises
on his floorboards

the ninth
warrior’d his way
into my walls
a Trojan prince
who could’ve cared
less about the outcome
of a broken one

these are
the nine good men
who i let hero-storm
my temple with their chivalry
inside-out my worth
into bible verse
crucified by ignorant white

i actually believed by some light or reason
that a man might cleanse me of my demons

i tried to love each of them
like i’d never known broken
tried to marry my wounds
into Magdalene

moaning a beggar’s cry:
treat me like new, brand new!
untouched, like virtue
us, we, come together are purity!

but they had all been in search of their sin
from the beginning
nine worthies
who made the rules
only so they could know where to
break them

all religious

all deemed / worthy
praised / King
self-proclaimed / God

Sometimes I sleep

                                just to escape

being.

Suffering from keeping feelings bottled up inside.
Suffering from pride.
Suffering from drinking bottles and using them as guides.
Suffering from lies.

Suffering from failure, I've used one too many tries..
Suffering from cries.

A nomad in disguise..

Walking along the common folk hoping the tears dry.
On the edge of a steep cliff ..just hoping my fears fly..

hoping they spread wings, and glide over the plains..
pass thru all the Midwest and land somewhere in Maine..
Like....
Why doesn't my destiny manifest?.
I'm done living as an observer and analyst..

I often wondered why the dreams of mine seemed far..
Finally learning memories are more important than dreams are..

& thats word to the wise,
Though the wise will dispute my claim..
But you see, dreams come and go some never are seen again...

Yet memories, are stored, in the storage room of your mind,
Where you can see, your feelings played out though the brain is blind,
where you can nurture, and torture your own self at will,
where you know exactly where your skeletons are hidden and still....

Would you rather lose memories or dreams?
Perhaps i suffer from this dilemma, or so it seems...



Why not keep both? Asked Alexis one day...

A month later, the Fates music decided to play..
...
without warning, her life& dreams taken away..
now all i got is memories,
memories to suffer and pray.


-afj

You made me believe in past-lives..
because there's no way in heaven our connections this new...

The passion & the chemistry, &the; synchronicity of journeys, simply couldn't have been born out of the blue...


On such short notice you alleviated my grievances, believing in my flaws and accepting my thought patterns. .  .

I told her baby. I know you don't like rings. But if I had the power to give you the world,..i'd give you the whole, Saturn.


She said, "Silly, i don't want a world.. that isn't enough. I just a want a world with you in it, even if it comes with storms."

But the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to minutes. Laws of physics say something started must finish, or transform."


Like the river, on a clear night when the moon tickles the surface, looking beautiful till somebody decides to skip rocks..

The universe itself on the tip of my lower lip was the exact sensation i felt when our lips locked..

Perhaps we were married in our past life.
Maybe we'll have children in the next one.
but in this time and space presently?...

She decided to call it quits,
Broken heart. But; I can never hate someone who makes me feel heavenly.

So, I'll await lifetimes...
For the day she comes back, and if she never returns I will never complain..

Because she was heaven sent, an angel, a blessing. I'm honored to have even known her by name.

Though she quit on us..
i must say if only she knew.

The realest words ill ever speak are,
I love you, too.



-afj.

I think it really comes down to what you expect of someone.
That you want all these needs filled from artificial people who have never seen the checklist of your heart.

People that want nothing more to see a smile on your face.
A smile they can't purchase because they don't posess the currency.

I am my own country. I govern my laws. I am the one to control the happiness between my borders.

I shall not be dependent upon another being.
I shall only be held up by the same expectations that has kept this country strong and bold over past decades.

I will stand my fortitude.
Proud.
Allowing visitors all the while.
I will never turn down a caring heart.
Although I will turn down yours.

We are all just taking steps
Toward whom it is
We long to be:

We're only trying to be ourselves
The best we can
Full, whole,
Unbroken--

I do not think
my journey
Is so very Different
from Yours.

I want to hold your hand rather desperately.