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epictails Sep 2015
You are unforgiving with yourself first before anyone is.
I just read this Brainpickings article about Virgina Woolf and what it means for her to do art. Such powerful and inspiring words. She was sexually and emotionally abused by her brothers when she was young but to see such a gentle soul get defiled and turn around her pain into inner light is just amazing. She said that art happens when the person finds a go between in despair and satisfaction. Seeing pain is a catalyst to see a greater whole and art is a way of reconciling the differences. It was so beautiful that I cried while reading it. In my defense, I am battling mood swings right now and the passage was too hopeful, too moving (at least for me) that I just couldn't help myself. Her life story reminded me of a ****** abuse victim I personally know and still remember though I don't quite see as often. I recall her story as something that shook my innocence to its grounds—I was just 12 or 13 when I knew about that. Looking back, she's probably a very strong woman to have survived everything.

Also, I seem to know people who are battling very persistent and life shattering demons but went on to keep their lives. I don't look like I know such discouraging things but the fact is I do. I have been exposed to such pains ever since I was very young. Maybe that is why I have all these insights that have me awake on some nights. But I truly look up to them because they made it despite being stripped weak at their core. I genuinely hope that all those people who opened my eyes to the scars of life are really doing well and I wish to see them someday just to know how they're holding. Experiences and stories are definitely the best pieces of art. Thank you brave souls—I owe you a big one.
epictails Sep 2015
You can spot the genius with his boat of questions
among a sea of answers.*




I used to think being intelligent is knowing. Incorrect. Knowing is merely absorbing information and the ones biologically gifted with expansive memory capacities have an advantage then. But true intelligence is understanding. True genius asks when nobody else would. True genius hears an answer but do not agree to it immediately. True genius sees no harm in being called naive for prying. True genius  believes there are many truths so they challenge those already accepted. Those who have explored their minds and know deeply that it is ever unfathomable.
epictails Sep 2015
To this old, defeated apple
Skin blazoned in rosy tunic
Slippery as fate discarded, fate in a bubble
How you've crossed my sight like a cynic

You rest cold and unamused
In my warm, subversive hands
It's as if your insides have set themselves loose
Unarmed in their pure dwindling strands

Fat worms whiffed spotless fields of honey-gold
Floundering shallow water fishes in unconscious fathoms
Seared the sweet flesh with spawns in manifold
You stand still in spite of downtrodden autumns

I took you in my mouth, your rot conspicuous
As if you whimper upon my numb tongue
That you won't last an age longer in this limping malice
Where your seed grows only to get wrung
I feel quite happy that I finished this despite having a hard time breathing. I always get sick at home and this is just very very upsetting. I also found out that my muse lies between poetry, music and freshly brewed coffee. My iPad is alive again and that's all I needed to force myself to write again.
epictails Sep 2015
I am coming back to myself. My depression is starting to lift itself off. I told myself weeks ago to turn all the sadness and meaninglessness around. Easier said than done. But after having a serious talk with my mother and a friend who is suffering , I realized once again that pain is telling me to help others carry their burden. I was needed. And this is not to fill a desperate want to have someone depend on me but to acknowledge that through my condition I could understand those who are losing hope/grip in life. I learned some pretty dark things and I was afraid I could once again slip into despair but so far I didn't. Repeating to myself every day that there was something to look forward to helped in many ways. I couldn't write for the past few days but I was happy I had that going on. I mean, the world could **** me up so bad and maybe when I wake up tomorrow I would  be depressed, but writing is something no one can take away from me. Words have become my greatest comfort. Just reading some of my older, crappier works cheers me up a bit. There might be some break downs in the future but after close to five  months of experiencing this, I can get the hang of depression like it's an old friend. It's far too early though to call me normal because my mood swings are ambiguous as hell. But I am beginning to entertain hope and push away the negativity as much as I can. Small steps, small steps
I'm feeling unreal right now because stupid allergies. This post is straight out of my mind. No proper editing since I can hardly even breathe.
epictails Sep 2015
I realized I got disillusioned because I found out that the world would like to keep me in a certain way. Only some will care about what I dream, what I have to say or do. The rest will keep me in bounds because they  are afraid I'll break out the order of how things work out, how it always runs. I am just tired of trying to fit in when the world is definitely not in my league.
i'll start putting numbers on my untitled posts because I get headaches looking for older poems
epictails Sep 2015
I get lost
in my own
silence—
in a vacuum
that leads
me to a
greater sunken
ground.

I've
gone
too often
It overwhelms,
it envelopes
like galaxies
closing up
on me

Though
each
time
I surface,
I'm never
quite
the same
person
who
went.
hello goodbye  mental frustrations
epictails Sep 2015
I can't make brushes
dance all flamenco—
red, blue, purples
on a peacock's feathery
canvas

Nor can I raise
unborn symphonies
from a string's womb

Instead, I piece
words caught
like fireflies
in the air
stir their light
through and through
in cosmic metaphors
in sea allegories
in flights of soliloquies
in lovelorn colloquies

Really,
I can't dazzle eyes
nor fuddle ears
but I behold
the days to come
with tongues from
yesteryears
as i lay in bed
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