Louise Ruen

Louise Ruen Oct 2016

I stare into an empty room. I see nothing. I hear nothing. I smell nothing.
But - something’s here….do you feel it aswell?
My mind is a highway of cars and thoughts, and nomatter how long I drive for none of those roads cross with yours, so, I simply wouldn’t know.

And everytime you open your mouth- despite it being for words or a kiss- I start craving a little more.
Every squeeze from your hand, every snarky comment and smile keeps that craving going.
I’m not talking about a quick roll in the hay or a brief moment of feeling wanted.
I want something much bigger and way more unattainable.
Your love has become my one birthday wish.

We might be young and we might not last, but for right now, I know we would be great together.
Even despite you having absolutely ruined me, by foolishly letting me believe there could be more than 36 cats for me.
So I’m left hoping those big brown bambi eyes aren’t fooling me, because I think I might be falling.
Hard.
And I need you there to catch me.

Louise Ruen Sep 2016

Ice Baby

My mind is a conflagration
You’re the river next to it
That’s you and I in our simplest forms
Utterly pathetic, utterly human

A mountain of tissues have been used
I try to reach out to the pool
A simple swim is all I ask for
An opportunity to enjoy the cold current you put me in
Maybe crawl onto a little bank.
Breath freely for once and for a while

Despite the cocktails we keep emptying, we both know we’ll never make a decent cocktail together.

Louise Ruen Sep 2016

A Love Letter

Dear future husband,
I’m writing this now, because my future self might be convinced that I love you.
Might be persuaded by my desire to find true love. Problem is, it’s always just a phantom of my fantasy. Love, I mean. I want it so bad I start hallucinating. I lose myself

The truth is, I don’t know if I dare. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to set my self loose like that. Loosing control is my biggest fear, and isn’t that what love does to you? Makes you put aside all logic, and let you act upon your heart? Can I ever fully trust myself in someone elses hands? I doubt I will ever be that brave, which is why I’ll never truly love anyone. I just don’t have the capacity.

I might be in love with the idea of us, but not with you.

You see, I’ve spend years burying what my heart desires for not only you but myself. It was too late to dig up years ago, so why now? Most of the time, I don’t even want to. I build these walls for a reason. Young and pretty, but never yours. Smart, so I’ll will never let you know how I truly feel.

I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to axe my needly architected buildings down.

Some days, my mind decides to do so, but I’m simply too self destructive to take any action
All this time I've spend on becoming a selfmade woman…Would love mean giving that up? Deep down I realize volunerability is a strength, but there’s too many things thrown on top for me to see that anymore.

So my conclusion is I will never truly be able to love someone.
It would be a riot against myself.

**I was never much of a rebel.

I don't know if I use this as an excuse to avoid love, but no matter what I'm questioning everything I ever thought about myself.

#love #loneliness #selfdoubt #noloveforme

Louise Ruen Aug 2016

Hypocrite

The only one I can't forgive

is myself for forgiving everybody else

*I can't do this anymore

It's been some turbulent months, but baby I'm back

Louise Ruen Jun 2016

Clarity

What feels like clarity has hit upon me
Like my senses went through a sharper like the pencil I use to write with
But my tolerance for ******* went down a whole lot.
So I don’t have time to hear on all your jibberish
Who you had *** with and why you weren’t feeling it
I would rather spent my time stuck inbetween these purple walls
With a book and a pen I’m fine here alone
Don't feel sorry, we were never really a match
I don't care that you have the new iPhone and wear Cartier
For me, you can stick your Valentinos up your ***
I can no longer pretend like it's all jollyness
When what I long for you can not give and you can't pay to get it for me
There's no reason to continue wasting time
My body might be stuck, but my mind never stops wandering.
Right now, that’s all I need.

#friendship #clarity #wastingtime

Louise Ruen Jun 2016

What's New?

You said that I am pretty, but boy what’s new
I’ve heard it a hundred times; it’s become oldschool
You gotta bring more game than a smile and a hey
Especially if you want me to come your way
But as man you shouldn’t move a bit and we should all just fall into your lap. Right?
Please, don’t be like any other man

I grew up looking myself in the mirror
My life’s set because they think I look pretty
Cut my hair short? You must be crazy. - stick me a dress and some makeup and let’s fix this mistake, baby
Look at my face. Someone who looks like this can’t be crazy. Right?
I’m a blue-eyed *****, who therefore isn’t allowed to be upset
So my life must be pure happiness. Right?

You said that I was pretty, but boy what’s new
I’ve heard it a hundred times; it’s become oldschool
You gotta bring more game than a smile and a hey

The weight is making me looked crippled
I was told to straighten up, coz it wasn’t pretty
What will I do when I get old? - I guess I’ll have nothing to fall back on
I’m young and naïve, and even though things develop, they don’t really ever change.
Because I’m a privileged girl in a vain, vain world
Therefore my life must be true happiness. Right?

So baby don’t cry if you’re ‘too beautiful’ for demons.
They don’t know that beauty is your demon.
They don’t know your life is far away from bliss.

I cried when I reread this. Everything is really only an illusion.
If you let it be.

Louise Ruen Jun 2016

Search of Freedom

In search of freedom.
I jumped
Only to become an anchor,
Opening my mouth only leads to drowning

#freedom #drowning #anchor