end of my elementary school years i had a diary.
a boy i had a crush on broke my heart and i wrote in my diary on a page somewhere in between the middle and the end about how i was
                 emo.
about how i wanted to cut my wrists and be sad all the time.

my parents found this diary and found this page and questioned me until i said it was all a lie and i didn't even know what emo really was.

i keep a diary online now, and i occasionally cut myself, and i wonder if my parents ever think i'm emo.

would i be able to lie and tell them i don't know what emo is? or would they look at the scars and wonder when i really found out what being emo was.

i wish i was like you,
outgoing and sociable.

what is it like talking to someone
just because you feel like it?

how does it feel to send a message
and not feel the chat box closing in on you?

i wish the compliments didn't seem like
covered up insults that stab right through me.

i wish i could talk to you without
having to apologize.

it's hard hitting enter, and whenever i do,
it's even more difficult not to delete it.

i want to go back and remove it all,
never notify you of my need for attention.

i just wanted to talk to you,
so i could seem like you.

i'm still not asleep,
and neither are you.

you're thinking about her,
and i'm thinking about me.

you're so loving, yet
i'm so selfish, i want your love.

please call me,
please talk to me.

stay with me until i sleep,
then you can go

go back to her,
and i'll go back to me.

if i were you

i wouldn't love me

neither

right side of bed
top drawer
tiny blade
blood stained

right of drawer
vertical cabinet
cigarettes
and a lighter

here's to forgetting you

blowing breeze pushes this
introvert slightly out of her
round and obnoxious shell of
toxic self
hate so that i can receive praise that i
deserved, even though all i did was
age one more
year

:-)

dissociating from life

melting into my sheet less bed

feel the pressure of every homework assignment i never turned in, every excuse i made to avoid hanging out, every person's feelings i ever disregarded

but also feel absolutely nothing



hearing all the beats of the song, every lyric feels like the writer wrote them just to connect to you

but also having the sound drown out and everything goes deafening quiet


i'm tired of existing
of simply living

breathing is hard to do.