I know you won't remember the first days you were here,
My jealousy was an angry tantrum full of screams and tears.
Before you ever came along I was their one and only.
But if I were to lose you now I would be forever lonely.

Over the years I grew to love you with all of my heart
And then one day he joined us and our trio had its start.
I wished to forever protect you two from every grief and pain
My healthy, happy, baby brothers I wish you could remain.

Jacob, eighteen years have passed since you came home with mother.
Your adventures and comedy have made you our constant entertainer.
Now you have turned into a strong man who is valiant and true;
The Marines have made you honorable and for that I'm proud of you.

And Matthew, it has been seventeen years since you graced our home.
You are more loyal and more caring than any man I have ever known.
A harder working, more determined man would be difficult to find.
Your heart of gold and lively personality make you one of a kind.

I was not always the compassionate sister you both deserved,
But someone with more love for you will never be observed.
I promise to always be there for you no matter what you encounter.
Because I have learned over the years that blood is thicker than water.

I tell myself its over.
That in a few months it won’t matter,
That this physical distance could somehow cure my pain.

But you hold me close.
Whisper empty words in my ear,
Use me once again to fulfill your lustful desires.

Then I’m invisible.
Breaking promises is your game,
Toss me aside to make room for the next player.

Now my heart is stone.
Numb to all feeling is my façade.
No one will ever damage me quite like you.

Distractions and psychiatry
Helping to cope with the truth
Doctor, tell me the diagnosis
An acute case of wasted youth.

These days spent tethered away
To their life measuring machines
Listen for the steady rhythm,
The weak chorus my heart sings.

My empty eyes are fixed staring,
A weak voice’s whispered begging
Bring me an end to the agony
The pain of my frail body failing.

You aren't good for me,
Or so they say
But as with the others before you,
I pay their warnings no attention.
I crave you with my every nerve
And you burn for me too.
I want to feel you on my lips,
Taste you on my tongue,
And breathe in your everything.
Feel the sensations you can bring
As my heart pumps harder
And my body tingles head to toe.
Then we are through,
So I leave you behind
Out of breath and
Still carrying your scent on my skin.
You've served your purpose.
My appetite is satisfied for now
But oh too soon I'll crave another.

You can't fix my body
I am not made of clay
Can't smooth away scars
Can't resculpt curves
Can't carve a smile on my face.

You can't fix my story
I am not a first draft
Can't erase years of abuse
Can't revise bad decisions
Can't add happily ever after.

You can't fix me
I am not a project
My body is marked by flaws
My story is laced with hurt
But *I am not broken.

You’re perfectly built.
Tall and sturdy.
Light perspiration drips down your body
You catch my eye.
You are cold to the touch,
They have already labeled you,
And warned me.
But I see right through it all,
Ignore my screaming conscious
I approach you anyways.
Your taste is harsh
And I gasp for breathe.
But one little taste and I’m hooked.
The more I have, the more I want.
The more I have, the more intoxicated I become.
For now, all my worries and regrets are forgotten.
All night I’ll be in your control.
Morality isn’t an issue anymore.

Empty,
Desperate,
Gasping for air.
Unable to eat, sleep, think.
Bleeding and bruised.
Crying out,
Giving in.

Full,
Complete,
Breathing deeply, comfortably.
Functioning, living.
Healing body, mind, soul.
Laughing,
Moving on.

Lost,
Needing you,
Weights crushing my chest.
Held down, imprisoned, paralyzed.
Hurting, through and through.
Giving up,
Shutting down.