i use deception & bribery to get up out of bed,
i start off strong then end up lost by 12-noon...

the smallest measures
are the trigger to the most violent break downs,
that’s how i know
that it’s a war and not a game.
a thousand miles in just one minute,
a loaded gun,
erasing moral innocence,
dismissing all of soul’s initial claims.

it’s hard to love the way you’re expected to love,
when you’re not like everyone else..

i show my love in odd ways,
ill show you more on odd days.
one day it’s good,
then things are strange.
each day is different,
no two the same.

i see that it’s tiring,
it can be so confusing.
but i want you to win,
& if it’s not me then you’re losing.
if it’s not me,
who you choosing?

nothing good comes easy,
so don’t give my love away.
i know it’s hard but please believe me,
it gets better by the day.
can I be the only one that plays a part?
the only one that has a key
that can open up your heart?

i pray for you each day,
i hope you always find your way.
& you fulfill all of your dreams.
you see it’s more than what it seems,
i speak peace into your life.
whether you’re wrong or you are right.
i will always be by your side,
if you let me.
ill give you all i got,
if you let me.
nothing lasts forever but we can last forever.
we can take the world together.
Bonnie & Clyde.

'the girl that cant be loved',
found love within herself
& now she loves.

its a war,
gods on guard,
& the eye is upon you.
-
with physical bodies like space-ships,
they line the block
with patience
requesting entrance within
so open up.

UPDATE:
distance is misleading..
you think its what you want, and maybe it is but it is also not what it seems.
the idea that "if we can work from this far, we can definitely work" is so wrong.
communication is one thing, its good & once you can communicate you think you're already at a great start.. but its complicated.

i thought it could work simply because i was willing.
we both were.
but, there was a disconnect.. sometimes people dont realize their own flaws. they notice the flaws of others but when it comes to realizing personal issues, they become oblivious to whats seems so obvious.
i can state my every flaw, i can own up to them and i can apologize and adjust myself.
but he couldnt?
i appreciated his effort,
but in efforts to show my appreciation, i failed.
i valued him beyond what i showed him,
i was a wall.
i thought he understood.
he said he understood.
i was the one creating trust issues? though i was simply trying to adjust, i never disrespected. i kept my word and without being sure if it could ever work, i continued to seclude myself.. making myself unavailable to anyone that wasnt him.
it was clear to me that whoever was before me made it harder for me to ever get a fair chance and i was fine with that because i know how it can be!
everything that was thrown at me, i understood from another person's stand point and i adjusted without ever distancing myself or leaving..
but it wasnt enough!

i put everything anyone has ever showed me aside and i trusted that he would never hurt me.. i knew that he would leave and he made me believe that he wouldnt.
i hesitated.
he left.
though, im still here
better than ever now.
all i wanted was time.
all i wanted was the permission to repair the broken pieces of me,
in hopes to give you the best version of me.
all i needed was time.
its a process,
it still is.
but some people prefer finished pieces over works in progress.

honestly, all you gave me was honesty and clarity,
you were there, always.
thank you.
our timing, so off.
but our encounter, as small as it may seem
was essential.
you were everything i didnt even realize i needed,
you were everything i wish i loved and cherished while you were here.
but now you're there,
im still here.
my mind and my body still crave you,
the love i have for you still awaits its release.
you are perfect in the most imperfect way.
beautiful loss..

simplicity is key,
the simple things are free.
the simple things for me
are a pleasure.
more valuable than treasure
found buried near the crater of the moon.
-
its never too late and
its never too soon.

so called queen,
goddess,
princess,
divine.
care-taker,
life-giver,
mother of time.
-
free your mind,
let your heart be fair & wise.
grow female energy,
grow.

my mind won’t accept the fact that you are what my heart wants;
they fight every hour
on the hour.
my mind says it’s dumb and it will never work
my heart says:
“real love has the power
to move mountains,
& break broundaries.
so listen when i say,
just follow me &
trust that i will show you the right way.”

there's more to life than back-rubs,
hip smacks
and arm tugs.
so much more than tongue kisses,
one nighters
and catfishes
who claim to love.
-

don’t be threatened by words
or verbs
used in a statement,
in placement of
a hurt feeling
or a spirit broken;
when you fall
get back up & keep going...

i stopped seeking attention
and feigning for likes & views;
i discovered new peace now effortlessly,
there are people in my world,
that see the best in me.
-
they relate
and could care less about my face,
as if im head-less;
or my race
as if
moments shared & experiences
mean much more to them...

i keep tripping over nothing,
i keep running to get nowhere.
i keep folding under pressure
and stares,
fumbling on words and
seeking cheers to go beneath me.
-
i keep finding myself,
i keep counting to 10
then tapping,
random clapping
then zen
and then present moment beings
to bring me gifts,
lifting me higher.

-
i cant say that im ready to call it quits
or return to non-exist
but i am so tired of barely keeping it together.
-
i want to escape but where?
im seeing things unclear,
my only space of comfort is no longer here.
as i attempt to live present in each moment,
im trying to stay open;
holding onto all that's left
still wishing and still hoping
that all things will come together by the good that is in me.
-
my life is far beyond my understanding and
im having visions of living in a space that associates in no way,
shape or form with what stands before me...
-
this cannot be all that there is to my story;
so what is my purpose?
is it deeper than surface?
im asking ,
how do i root myself in madness
to cultivate the magic?
how do i save myself and save the world,
to them im just a little girl with dreams of change,
who's oh so strange...

drown in heavy metal,
with desire to be isolated.
-
disgusted corners my disgrace,
disappointment files for restraint;
all while cell towers flashing lights
try to grip my mind tight.
-
they cant control me,
im untamable;
they cant reach me,
who would they call?
names are for particular things.

it feels so good to take it slow,
to take a breath & let things go.
releasing stress,
& tension too.
no matter what you’re going through
just take it slow,
one step,
one day.
despite the challenges you face,
don’t over think or complicate.
just take it slow,
this is the way.

if you want to know me,
seek the windows to my soul.
even if at distance,
they appear to be so cold.
ive heard that eyes can tell the stories
and say things we wouldnt dare.
ive seen how eyes can heal,
how eyes can feel,
dismissing all we fear.

& i don’t know how much weight visions hold on your scale of zero to relevant,
but i know that mine are not to be threaded upon lightly.
i don’t dream much,
but like the first time i missed it,
twice in specific
you were the target of submission.
feelings and spaces so vivid
but so much still left unclear.
& i could feel you so direct
like you were standing right there....

totems come as eagles
captures snake,
as great change
& mystery takes place,
on display as common interest...
its always deep beyond the surface.

waging war through winds,
no sign of stillness in the distance...
spewing words as clear as day,
"change your ways"...
its been far too long
you’ve stood stagnant in fear.
watching creation fall apart by the hands of you
and all who claim to be who they are not.
humble yourself…
-
shifted poles,
forget the old and start anew.
your life was spared,
do you know why?
do you know who?
i feel her pain,
i know her name,
we have stolen her heart.
we have reached the point of desolation,
get on your mark.

What's time and distance but a measurement,
measuring moments that never last but can stick with you forever.
A simple range of reference,
how you take the moments in life is your preference.
The pleasures in life don't lie in things, but the events.
The 'present' moment is a gift,
all that matters is right here.
Tomorrow isn't promised though it seems to be so near.
Fear of losing beautiful moments so present
I get lost in the evidence of those events.
Fear of losing, an illusion.
Understanding, the solution.
Everything has a shelf life
It all comes to end
But, the pain of losing it' s all worth it in the end
No regrets, no cursing, no lamenting
Every ending is a perfect ending..
the end.

& even tho in this moment,
my heart is still beating,
well.. barely
& for all of the wrong reasons..
it had mustered up the strength to mend the pieces,
stop bleeding.
just so i can keep breathing.
just so i can keep living..
& loving.
see
my heart,
it made something of nothing.

at the sound of a click,
that is lighter releasing flame
to ignite my insane nature of psyche.
-
with the ground rolled up,
i keep searching for height
and i keep finding it...
-
though,
im afraid
ill lose my way
back down to earth.

i still write about flowers blooming,
birds singing,
& sun-sets.
-
although lately,
i've been focused on expressions of threats;
like seeking trouble,
provoking monsters to come out & play with me.

uncertain statements,
unshaved reactions to
unthought of movement;
its silly to think that nothing you do holds affect.
-
its a reason why you'll silence your mind
then ramble on again
through means of another source...

you're 500mph,
where does it lead you?

i start to think i need to be the type of poet,
that resonates well with all sorts
& connects at first glance.
-
it drains me to want to be someone that i already am...
-
there's no right or wrong way when you're so introspective
that you only see the vastness of your being;
you only see far & wide,
endless possibility
& endless truth...
don't lose yourself,
just embrace your point of view.

i come alive at the sight of what's already seen,
like deja vu is somehow key to unlock my greatest dream.
-
a classic reaction,
to stay still upon acknowledgment.
i stay put,
aware of phases now begun.

images on walls,
so vivid i can see every pixel merged to form symbols
to change words into the original state of
nothing.
-
imagine walls cleared out
at one shout of word spoken,
one stroke of pen,
one strike of thought.

expectations turned desolation,
you knew initially nothing more could be found.
still,
you allow tears to form
as your stomach turns
at the harsh realization
that nothing more can be found...
-
stop pouring yourself empty
into the cups of whom has no intention to replenish.

i made a friend out of fire,
fire burns without desire
and yearns for no companion,
its okay alone.
i see how it moves,
i see how it sways,
and seeks to destroy if it is betrayed...

keep it real, how do you feel?
feelings aside, it helps me heal.
to clear my mind and hope it’s real.
why do you fear a broken deal?
she talks to moons and trace the stars.
stitching the wounds, awaiting scars.
viewers discretion; strongly advised.
i see you lurking, i am lusting like skies.
i am contradicting truth like the lies.
maybe a devil, as an angel disguised.

is it so strange to want nothing so badly
that you think long and hard to solely serve others?
are you at such complacency with your own being
that you desire of only nothing more than
setting inspiration free by word of mouth
or words at one click of a keyboard,
on someone else’s behalf.

i could just pass on,
or pass up
or put up for adoption.
i could place reliance and dependance,
i could **** well place the blame
and i could place my being everywhere else,
but home.
-
i choose home.