why do you always look mad?
like the world let you down
then led you down roads that end dead.
-
your dull expression;
it makes me question what goes on within you,
is it eating you away?
will you go or will you stay?

i'm liking this arrangement,
ever-glowing,
every growing,
ever changing.
-
while moving sacred through placements
& planetary gas-light;
forward flowing is the motive,
pay respects, still
to the past life.
moving pass life in a low phase.
new world,
intro to new age.

spiral violent,
embrace anomaly
then you're halfway there.
what's a preference when barely anything exists?

i don’t need your attention,
bet that got your attention.
sometimes i need your affection,
sometimes i grieve with intention.
not used to someone that don’t need you,
you don’t need me?
i don’t need you.
say what you mean,
say what you need to.
i need proof,
i don’t believe you.
-

maybe what im needing for my healing isnt ******.
maybe what im needing is a reason or
i probably
just need to find my center.
to close the doors,
no foreign entity can enter.
-
maybe i just need to give it time,
maybe change my state of mind.
im off balance and my energy is running real low.
its a challenge,
it is draining.
what it is
i dont know..
who i am,
i cant show.

now suddenly i have eyes that see in layers,
the ground has found its steadiness
& all my truths are written in stone;
never changing in context but always gaining new depth.
-

i'm going one way then the other,
one way or another.
-
if one way isn’t flowing try a next way.
if monday isn't showing try a next day.

in company of stars,
i hear the songs of the wind.
its 2am,
i should be resting
but there’s movement
here within.
sending gratitude and praises to the heavens,
i am here.
my mud is close to settled,
and my vision starts to clear.
though i rise and fall,
though sometimes i may stall
im in alignment with the universal,
one and all.

a stoic queen;
the one you only
see up close in dreams.
so rare,
& so esteem.
so powerful,
& so supreme.
-
keep the mind open,
& the doors closed.
you can’t enter in
the temple of the black rose.
too much drama,
you can’t enter
til you’re composed.
yes i know,
all things that glitter
really ain’t gold.
& all the slick attempts,
the slick intent,
intricate men,
your game is tired.
-
if you enter,
then you enter
at your own risk.
a stingy genie,
she may only
grant you one wish.
hard to please,
she’s seen it all,
hard to reach,
no mating call.
this is the land of no men.

it got hard for you to trace back the truth
when you decided fame, names, & particular things
hold more importance than roots.
to pin-point a location
or ask questions would be inaccurately pointless
& so your effort goes wasted.
-
your mass is in-tune at masters feet,
a mono-tonish cluster ****
where the masses sleep.
they move like sheep,
they scurry,
in too much of a hurry to give a **** about making peace.
-
while you seek leaders,
might i invoke considerate thought
of how you can be one.
become the change,
become the strange-odd one out.
become the one who uses word of mouth as tool,
only fools use weapons as schools.
start from the seed
then take the lead...

i see her whole-ness as ammunition,
she is all power,
filled on power to surf through space & paradigm.
i see her purity as drive.
i see all ways to ensure knowledge of how to create worlds
will continue at her vast display.
-
please,
ensure that the younger beings
by whom exist within your space
are embraced by the knowing of self.

dont you open up your mouth.
dont you open up your mind.
dont you search for any answers,
dont you fear what you might find?
arent you afraid of looking crazy
or stepping out of the norm?
youre in a box,
youre in a cage and you have always been warned
to watch your mouth and watch your actions.
senseless movements and distractions in your view
to keep you hidden from truth.
the truth,
the true forbidden fruit.

my spirit calls
and
my spirit speaks through writings on walls.
-
im still chained to third dimension,
it keeps me lowly.
im still caught up,
my attention is on all
that kills me slowly.
i thought that this was holy grounds,
now the grounds have divided.
somethings happening beneath the ground,
new stars have been ignited.
-
"ive never seen this much stars"...
i can say the very same.
the time is only here and now,
the earth has made her claim.

superman came around, he wore a crown and not a cape.
i told him all about my plans to make a great escape.
they’ll never understand when they all just make demands with no true purpose, no plan.. are they heartless?
are they afraid to love?
so lost, with no idea of where home is to return to it, but they are not at fault.
they are submissive to fear & unaware.
so many versions of the truth, so many so confused.
what would you do if you knew the truth lies within you?
what would you say if you thought you knew the way?
im brooding at night.
& I do envy the day.
im still in love with the idea of a great escape.

it's a shame,
all rights reserved for human gain.
selfish and greedy,
lacking nothing,
still needy.

sit your innocent little,
14 year old body on my lap.
not so sure where i will take you,
let me draw you out a map.
down the roads of mere destruction,
little bird just sing a song.
lay still,
lay silent.
i promise i won’t be long.

innocent little, 14 year old
broken & disturbed.
you cried for help,
your cries were loud
yet still nobody heard.
you’ll be okay,
just keep a secret,
14 year old girl.
i changed your life,
i changed you,
i changed your outlook on the world.

if i give it all to you
then what am i left with?
if i give you all of me,
then who is protecting ..
me?
-
i get the fact that maybe you could be worthy,
and i get the feeling maybe you could do *****.
tell me the truth,
are you enthused to have someone as free as me?
someone that you cant cage,
and someone you rarely see.
someone with vibes,
good energy.
someone as pure and sweet.
-
i get the fact that maybe i can pick up habits,
pick up slack.
i get the feeling you’re not one for keeping up or keeping track...

dont you pick upon that tree!
if you do then you will see
with vision that will set you free.
aware of all that you might be.
.... everything is everything.

the raging storm has gone quiet,
chaos has payed its due.
what still remains is my theory on how no love is true.
or maybe just with you.
-
wits at the end,
at the start you were my friend.
we lost sight of who we were,
we got caught up in a stir of emotions that deemed us unworthy
of a love thats willing,
with balance
and sturdy.
now you are well exposed,
now all of my wounds;
healed and closed.
now i can see why fate kept us apart.
now i can see that you loved with words and it was never from the heart.

my mind releases fluid
that runs through my veins,
it turns me into terror
it drives me insane.
comes rushing with excitement
the need to be touched,
the need to be explored
is becoming too much.
-

UPDATE:
distance is misleading..
you think its what you want, and maybe it is but it is also not what it seems.
the idea that "if we can work from this far, we can definitely work" is so wrong.
communication is one thing, its good & once you can communicate you think you're already at a great start.. but its complicated.

i thought it could work simply because i was willing.
we both were.
but, there was a disconnect.. sometimes people dont realize their own flaws. they notice the flaws of others but when it comes to realizing personal issues, they become oblivious to whats seems so obvious.
i can state my every flaw, i can own up to them and i can apologize and adjust myself.
but he couldnt?
i appreciated his effort,
but in efforts to show my appreciation, i failed.
i valued him beyond what i showed him,
i was a wall.
i thought he understood.
he said he understood.
i was the one creating trust issues? though i was simply trying to adjust, i never disrespected. i kept my word and without being sure if it could ever work, i continued to seclude myself.. making myself unavailable to anyone that wasnt him.
it was clear to me that whoever was before me made it harder for me to ever get a fair chance and i was fine with that because i know how it can be!
everything that was thrown at me, i understood from another person's stand point and i adjusted without ever distancing myself or leaving..
but it wasnt enough!

i put everything anyone has ever showed me aside and i trusted that he would never hurt me.. i knew that he would leave and he made me believe that he wouldnt.
i hesitated.
he left.
though, im still here
better than ever now.
all i wanted was time.
all i wanted was the permission to repair the broken pieces of me,
in hopes to give you the best version of me.
all i needed was time.
its a process,
it still is.
but some people prefer finished pieces over works in progress.

honestly, all you gave me was honesty and clarity,
you were there, always.
thank you.
our timing, so off.
but our encounter, as small as it may seem
was essential.
you were everything i didnt even realize i needed,
you were everything i wish i loved and cherished while you were here.
but now you're there,
im still here.
my mind and my body still crave you,
the love i have for you still awaits its release.
you are perfect in the most imperfect way.
beautiful loss..

im not saying everyday will be sunshine filled
and im not saying everyday will be calm & still.
im just saying don’t make yourself a home in the madness,
just make your bed,
& stay the night,
to make acquaintance with sadness.
pack up your things,
& make an effort,
move on.
cause you will surely lose yourself
if you stay for too long.

with the help of inspiration,
divine revelation,
connections,
calculations
and
planetary configurations;
i will set down my principles in writing.
all of my functions and abilities
yield up hidden properties.
unveiling the prophecies,
they said its been written.
-
while i am in the presence of the power that brings three times:
the past,
the present,
and the future.
i hope these lines
are understood as divine,
i hope these lines reach the point,
beyond mind.
i hope these lines are a challenge,
i hope these lines inspire balance.
i hope these lines are re-read between lines.

time means nothing
when you don’t have anything.

caught in a downward spiral
and no one speaks my language
like Malcolm in the middle of words
and phrases,
verbs and statements,
punctuation placement
and labels deriving from one selfish impulse of thought.
forget the words,
just feel the message
we are lost.
so when the universe speaks
we never understand
we put our faith in methods that are derived from man.
we miss the call,
we miss the vision,
not connected.
nobody’s focused anymore
so **** the message.

a past as dark as nothing,
as sound as the abyss.
with nothing to look forward to
keep going,
i insist.
if you’re willing
you will find your way,
after every night
a brighter day.
pay close attention,
hear the words i say.
don’t neglect the force,
obey.
you will prevail,
you’ll be okay.

no affection.
this is real
real raw
like no protection.
my mind says my body needs pleasure n’ touch.
my body says it’s ok &  my imagination’s enough.
im about to erupt.

these days,
im finding pleasure without touch.
im too far gone,
within.
-
they mock my world,
as if fairytales don't exist.

i would be lying if i said  i have clear sighting of what’s to come next..
im walking blindly.
without a care.
without fear.
without needing anyone to be here.
if it destroys me then ill die knowing that i stood firm,
by myself.
for myself.
without your help.
you won’t bring me to my knees.
you’re what i want
not what i need.