and everyday for me
is a new beginning..

stop trying to re-write the story you already know the ending to.
evidently you weren’t meant for him like he was not meant for you.

i cant decide if where i am is healthy
or hell
in the sense of burning flames,
****** games
and all the names that come along with
particular things.
-
i cant decide if im in love with you or
with who ive painted you to be
in my latest piece of the lord and the lover.
im attached to the god in you,
distant from the parts of you that are learned and programmed
by the hands of destroyers of land,
the hue that keeps man in a color block that separates and desolates,
believe or not
im desperate for hands to hold
and a touch that knows when and where,
that wouldn't dare to let me linger for long...
-

you can't save anyone,
you can only save yourself..
although you can be of help,
you can only save yourself.

the wind blows
& so does the smoke from the ground rolled up,
it keeps me grounded.
am i searching for a high above the highs
or a heaven in this hell?
as i inhale the paranoia & the bliss of being anything but sober,
i allow myself to let go..
-
letting go of all the things that i wonder about
that keeps me wandering at night;
i get lost in my thoughts.
i get lost in my world,
in myself
& i forget to live.
i forget that life still goes on
regardless of if i am moving at a pace to keep up or if i am stuck.
it wishes me good luck
like “good luck”
but does it wish me the best?

why do you try so hard to alter what i see?
you tirelessly point out every insecurity.
when i start to feel beautiful
you make me see all flaws.
when i start to feel magical,
you question who you are
& why you're here..
-
i get faded hoping that you will fade away
but you never do,
you just get in the way.
"fix this."
- perfect body
- perfect person
not even half of your wish-list.
"fix that!"
"your eyes are too slanted, your nose is too flat."
i spend hours in the mirror, analyzing myself.
wishing i could look like
* someone else *.

ill strip my soul of its value and place it on your crown,
ill bow to your highness
if you'll never let me down.
-
im loyal,
law-abiding
and i want to be ruled.
string me by my neck with ropes of promise
and potential slaughter if i might ever stray away from the likes or thought of
you..
you alone are all i would ever need if you alone would make a space for me,
find a home and find a place in me.

dead bodies everywhere,
just like they were before.
focal points are focused on connection and a poor
state of existence,
know nothing of existing
in a space beyond this place
filled with disgrace
and the misplaced.
-

bear in mind
im dark as shadows,
im deeper than abyss.
secluded,
and deluded
closed tightly like a fist.

your lack of self-expression is impressive.
although you seem so open,
you leave questions.
-
you seem assertive and aggressive.
un-guarded,
un-protected.
like everything you want just leaves a negative affect.
is
everything okay love?
are you sure that you'll be fine?
cause everything you're hiding will be brought to light in time.
-
i can tell you're one of them,
searching for a place.
running out of space.
losing track and
losing trace of
present vs past,
slowly vs fast.
you're caught up in the rise of what no one can outlast.

moon-light monster seeking out the dark,
channeling destruction leaving nothing,
not a mark.
searching for parts
and pieces
or paths
where peace is.

your role is not one of mastery,
its motherly.
you serve as portal
of a world so otherly.
you are guardian
and guidance,
confidant,
enlightened.
a protector by all means,
an example
and all seen.
influencer of cycles repeated,
dear god,
please take responsibility
you are in need
and you are needed.

the girl that only shares emotions with pens and pages,
intended phases
or a sudden craze;
the girl once counted out
& counted days...
-
who knew freedom would actually come.

i barely feel a thing,
i rarely feel a thing.

so you finally grew the ***** to make your move.
you set the mood,
do you have something to prove?
or are you searching for clues,
searching for flaws in the rules,
things you can use
to your advantage
in attempt to take advantage of the access you've been granted.
-
i let you in,
we drown in sin
and lust,
and trust me
i know your every move before you make it,
so when we're done
i promise you won't have to fake it,
we won't take it there.
and i don't share this exchange
with just anyone strange,
so beware.
-
don't panic,
ill hand it to you;
at least you attempted to try something new.
at least you attempted what most wouldn't do.
you left inspired,
full of hope and in dire need
of just another moment of my time,
indeed.

these days its like I'm getting less interested, running from things that don't make my life interesting.
ain't playing them games or doing them things with ya, ain't making a change or adjusting things for ya.
tho im never losing hope im too focused on the growth
& when you no longer need people is when they need you the most.
but when i needed you most, when i needed you close
you stayed so far away, so you can stay so far from me.
i built myself up, i built me up tough & i ain't losing my ****, im not losing with ****.
did you forget? you were the one being choosy, the one being so confusing
searching for something better baby and now you losing..
bet them other girls ain't like me, can't ease your mind like i did
can't put it down like i did
dont handle **** like i did for you..
you know its true, they ain't waiting up til 4am to listen like i do.
i can't even lie you caught me by surprise, you opened my eyes and made me realize things aren't what they seem to me and you ain't what you seemed to be. all the **** you claimed to be, was all a claim its plain to see.
in love with the idea of me but let's face it you broken too,
both got issues and both need fixing but i still never got cold with you.
trust got ****** up and you, you lucked up.
you got me in my feelings, you got me wanting to feel on you.
you had me into feeling all the things you said you feel to do.
emotions going crazy for you baby boy i feel for you. all those issues must be hard to carry
with all those issues it must be scary,
to give up your heart and give up your love..
but if you can't give up no trust then it just ain't enough
you knew i was good for you, do anything to do good by you.
i wanted to be the good you see when life showed you how ****** up it can be.
now the only thing i can give to you is words that will make you regret walking away, words i couldn't say..
words that make me wonder if they could have made you stay, or were you too far away?