For all the men I’m ****** to love
For all the deaths I’m doomed to die
I lay in wait one crest above
The wave on which fate idles by

At which hill
Will the wind crest

Retreat to still,
Recaptured breath

How deep the sea
Churns calling cold

Raptured bells of
Sunken churches toll

If ever there were
Predestined plateau

Where promised peace
Could erase the chain—

But the wind again billows
And once more, the rain

The days,
All the days,
Even those
Inlaid with light,
Shutter closed,
As days do,
With harsh fray
Of night

This, the abyss
No one warned me about
Where imminent fevers
Cannot be sweat out
And sanity’s good side
Turns one cheek too late
In centripetal orbit
Eluding escape

You should’ve spoken up
When you talked down to me
Instead you split my soul
Spitting endless inbetweens
And now the spool spins heavy,
Wiry untouched runaway dreams
Where the railcar always passes
Just a moment out of reach

It’s Tuesday, I think
Glass windows share few stories
In grey. The sun hasn’t found
An opening
Between my blinds
In days
***** dishes hardly inhabit
The sink. I wash them every chance
I get. It feels good to know
What to do
With my hands

It’s new day, I think
Curtains drape
In heavy embrace. I wonder
What warmth lurks behind them
That can’t be found
In my drink. Fluids slosh
And swell
In ambers beneath my skin
I wring my wrists of goodbyes
So bereft. It feels good to know
What to do
With my hands

I’ve sobbed for hours,
Then for days,
Ache blurring lifeless gaze
Stolen breaths come incomplete
And, too quickly, are replaced.
I’ve sobbed from twilight until noon
Filling this entire room
Watching skin succumb to prune
Hair, molasses, ‘round my neck
Pirouettes to desperate croon.
I’ve sobbed through sunrise and sunset
Muddled orange and violet
Lighting crests of waves deflect
Fading as they intersect.
I sob for eras and for lives
Until none of them survive,
So what light exists beyond the depth
Can magnetize and resurrect,
And eyes can greet horizon new
Reflecting glowing golden hue
Desaturating retrospect
As currents sway to sovereign tune.

The world can be a darkless place
Fires fervent in heart’s ember—
So I douse its ash into a bath,
And submerge in shades familiar

When the clouds come
I cast them away
I tear them apart,
Dismantling grey

I am left with the blue
Entranced by its hue, but
Its vastness consumes
And I, lost without aim

So empty pages I thumb
Clear eyes achingly numb
Skin desperate to soak in
The sweet mist of pain
From where the clouds came
Oh, when the clouds come

To dream
To be
Benjamin Button
To feel pain
See suffering
And return
To safety
And peace
Of youth
And mind

Yet, to live
As I am
Dorian Gray
To remain unchanged
Paint by numbers
My colors
Fill to the edges
And they never
Spill over

I putrefy
As prisoner
Of my inability
To die
Decided by
My dream
Of being
Born again

And I,
The singer
And bringer
Of death,
Do cast unto you
For all that I’ve wept
Though hard
As I try,
And fight
As I might,
My tender heart
Wasn’t meant
For this life
And it, too,
Cannot
Be kept

I’ve left my body somewhere to roam
While I float above
The weight of the world
And all who inhabit
To splay amidst sunshine
And swim
In the current of the wind

I’m meant to be
Among cities and trees
But somehow always fall short
And land
Somewhere in between
Where it is grey and flat
And desolate

I dream of spaceships
And submarines
Of vines to jump and swing
Anything
To feel momentum
Where I no longer feel
A thing

Does your body know you’re awake?

Does it lay there,
Restless
Aching for attention
Dreaming of sensations,
Spiritual suspension
Endless thoughts churning
Trying to backstroke
Chin-deep
In the shallow end?

And as you float
Half immersed
And lucid waves gently raise
The tips of your fingers, the
Hairs on your neck
So above and below
Satisfaction’s sweet edge—
Think of me, insatiably
Before you drift off weary ledge

Until tomorrow,
Where I’m sure we’ll meet again

I will dance
And I will spin
Until the room blurs
And the lightless gaps
Between swaying bodies
Absorb my ache
And longing

I will twist
And I will wring
Dizzily releasing
Whatever still clings
To my depleting soul
And replace it with champagne

And I will dance

Of all the ways
I’ve watched the world
Fail to take flight

The worst is my own

I do not shield myself
Between the mortar
Of feeble walls.
Instead, I’ve built mountains
With summits surpassing
Thunderous clouds, erupting,
Brimming valleys and moats
Lava-laden, I control
Fiery dragons
The size of islands
Welding forest trees,
Armor adamantine. I have
Trained wind to whip
And freeze at the flick
Of a tongue.
And with each false step taken,
A crater awakens
Parting the earth
In sacred places. Revealing  
Razor-edged abyss —
A merciless ether,
Crusader’s monolith.
In the end, it is I
Who must venture
And slay, navigating the terrain
Of my tortured dismay
Reclaiming my power
And rightful throne.
Behold, vast kingdom:
The monarch is home.

The sun shines brighter
When you’re around
Its flare, skin’s sustenance
Coaxing your June freckles
To breach the surface
So that each one is met
With the warmth of love’s kiss
Unmatched by labyrinth ribbons
Of luminous passion
Wound sound around our souls
Life’s star, a neat bow
Wrapping us in an embrace
Of everlasting glow

We suffer in silence
Still, we speak
But rare are we heard
And of that moment, we dream
Of gratification,
Validation
Of anything that will make this all
Make sense,
Anything that will make this all
Worthwhile.
We dream of that place
That will never exist
Of the place that simply
Cannot be
Our nights despondent
Still, we dream

I tripped down a lane of memories
Walked uneven sidewalks
Once lined with trees
Now barren,
Thanks to some "bug disease"
At least not every neighbor is dead

Knees hugged cement
Recalling pastel chalk sketches
Delicate fingers traced
Rugged dips and edges,
My name
Engraved in that one spot where
I failed to learn to rollerblade
At least part of me will live on here

At least until someday

Dirt caked crust
Gives way
To layers of mantle
Above afflicted fireplace
Bearing picture frames
Bitter memories
Pride, then regret
Memento mori

I will not die here
Two tiers from hell
I feel it burning
In my core
Patiently waiting
To take me in pity
As I wish it had done
Before

Can’t you hear me?
My tongue hurls your name
Into the wind
Moving east
Urging storm’s brewing
Rising with the chill
Of eery lake
Carrying my echoes
Through clouds of haze
Damp desperation
Voice, strained, releases
Surges of rain
And sleet. Pooling,
Pleading at your feet
Drown in my essence
Watch as it breathes
Watch as it weaves
Through the valleys and summits
Of your goosebumps
In intricate lattice
Ice lace tourniquet
Asphyxiating sadness
From sore hands. Solitude
From weary eyes. Silence
From blackened lungs
Darker than the thundering sky
Reverberating anthems
Of my unfulfilled soul
And my direful need
To be made whole
By you

I keep the shower window open
In 20 degree weather
There’s somethin’ about feeling
The freeze and burn together
Fusing two halves,
Fueling one desire
Steam pries at pores, like
Needle nose pliers
Winter exploits wounds
Haughty exhales through
Diamond ****** wrist cutters
Cascading
Cherry brandy drain water
Licking ankles purple
Branding Frost’s musings
As my final verse
Fire, ice — whichever comes first
Duality be ******,
I favor efficiency
I’ll marvel as *******
At the sadist who takes me
But know that, once
Is all I can endure
And of this, I am sure

I'm afraid
If I’m awake much longer
I wont wake up
Tomorrow

On nights like this
Tired eyes reminisce
Of a former life
Like French doors opening
To familiar gardens
Where prunes grow on fingers
And lavender blooms
In the iridescent luster
Of warm water droplets
Serenading shoulders
Where reason and chaos blend
Into peach white tea
Swallows carry songs
Through their wings
Stirring decadent incense
Of exhaling trees
Sunlight waltzes with
Saturated leaves
Their indelible patterns
Rhythmic marigold sleeves
Carefree meanders along
Luscious promenade, swathed
In pomegranate-stained poppies
Ripe for the picking
In them, a fragrant ecstasy
Alive inside this memory

When my body and soul
No longer entwine
What will become of my spine?

Does it sigh solaced croon
A hymn-silken harpoon
Propelling me
Through
Threshold everlasting?

Or will it crumble by piece
Like moldy blue cheese
Marrow vinaigrette feeds
Famished nerve roots
And dirt
Absorbing lost life,
Fueling the Earth?

Perhaps a doctor
Will pass it along
Loaded syringe,
Silver and mauve
Into flesh as fresh
As death’s final breath
Enervated vertebrae
A-positive strong

Or maybe it retreats
Into shadows sea-deep
Steel-tipped discs
Flash of shimmer
As they sink
Footholds for lost souls
Sin-dark landmarks
Untouched by warmth
And
Unseen by stars

You kiss me with your native tongue
Between sea salted breaths
Hints of starfruit and filth
Relish saintly dialects
Distant malaise clings to
Gritted teeth, unclenched
Your kaleidoscope soul
Vulnerable, drenched
Dripping liquified gold
Ornate in transcendental air
Upstaging whatever gods
May reside up there

Sweet scent, my gravity
Carries me
Wandering
Through winding trees
Fallen leaves hiss at me
An omen, indistinct
Upon the clearing
My meadow stands empty, save for
A maple. Its sap,
Rust and wine,
A fountain of false prophets
From which I feast
Into scorched earth, I cough up teeth
Scarlet blood boiling
Back up at me