Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Lori Mack Sep 2018
A Brother Lost....

One night, one call, all lost.
Instant shock, heart stopped, breath gone.
Our family tree so painfully torn.
No, couldn’t be true… I knew.
Quick, hurry, rush. Have to leave, must go.
Arrive, open the door, pastor is here.
He wants to sit and talk.
Don't want to sit, are you crazy?
Leave me be, let me see.
(Thinking to myself) It's okay, I can fix him.
Not to worry, he will be alright.
Watch I can wake him up, just give me the chance.
Looking down at the body bag, I knew...
They say “Are you sure you want to see him.”
What!! Got to see, need to see! I nodded.
That cold, ugly, black bag.
It's way too quite. The zipper is loud.
There he lay, still, too still.
He looks really good. It's okay, just a scratch.
The smile gave him away. Huh, not dead.
I told myself,
He is fne, it's a joke. He plays them all the time.
See him grin, that onery grin, not dead.
I am sure he's faking it.
Just shake him, wake him up. Probably passed out drunk.
Watch he'll get up. He pulled off a good one this time.
He's not dead, not with that grin.
I focused for any movement... None.
Ha, ha very funny, you pulled it off, you win.
Listen… Shhh…. Nothing....
Can't hear him breath.
It's not funny any more. Wake up, move, do something!!
Hey, come on. That’s enough! Get up, let's go.
Breath, Lance, Breath. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!
Lance?!?! Oh God, Lance?!?! Oh no! Lance?!?
No, no!! It's true. He is dead, he's dead!!
Than I heard my first shaky words.
“Are you sure he is dead?”
“Yes” the coroner said.
“What did you get yourself into this time
Lance?”
Cruel thing to say, I didn’t mean it, just came out.
He was gone, really gone.
Softly, I stroked his hair, leaned in and kissed his forehead.
There was nothing more I could do...

Walked outside to smoke.
I was the first one here.
Soon our family will be here.
Oh no, I forgot it's mom and dad's anniversary.
They will never celebrate it again...
Have to be strong for all of them.
Three cigarettes later, they are all here.
So many packed into one car.
Somber faces, walked in ever so quietly.
One by one, yet strongly together.
We all looked down at him.
A few tears, not many from one sister.
Whispering to him “No more pain, Bubbie, no
More pain.”
Left to go get some air, I think.
My oldest son tried hard not to cry, but moist was his face with fresh tears.
I held him tight, tried to ease his pain.
Mom was trying to be professional about it, conversating with the coroner.
She never looked so hallow before...
Dad, poor dad, took it really hard.
He was so lost and confused.
I had never seen him this broken before...
No tears from the oldest sibling. 
Only her face showed her agony.

Our brother was gone.
A son was dead.
Father to four, no more.
A friend to many.
It was soberly true.
One by one, we quietly stepped outside.
All is silent, lost in our hazy thoughts.
My brain, it's frozen, can't function.
Someone please say something, anything.
I couldn't bare not to hear, some kind of noise.
All of us surrounded, yet so very alone.
Finally, they headed back home.
First one here, last one to go.
I couldn't comprehend leaving him there.
He was cold, and becoming stiff...
Up went the zpper.
Alone in that dark black bag.
Nothing I could do. I had to leave him there.

I was overwhelmed with guilt.
We argued the last time we spoke.
He was the only one in our family that ever truly showed me love.
Every breath I took burned.
My soul was disgusted with me.
What was left of my heart, shriveled up.


At the funeral,
I heard the most horrific, sorrowful cries...
Then I realized, the cries were coming from me.
Oh God, please let this be a nightmare..
I remembering trying to pick him up and hold him, hug him. I needed my big brother's bear hug, where I always felt safe.
Everyone was gasping reminding me of his children.
I let him go and said, “My brother was my hero, and he was my best friend.”
I cried so hard for so long, that there was no more tears, yet I was still crying.
At the cemetery, it became more real.
When his casket was being lowered down I collapsed.
“Lance, no, no!!"
My father pulled me up.
I looked at him in disbelief, saying “Daddy, we can't just leave him down there, we can't!!”
“I know sis, but we have to.”

A piece of me was buried that day too.
My heart still mourns.
Life has never been the same again.
Lance, I love you brother.
The wind is still knocked out of me.
Even after almost 12 years.
Bubbie, I miss you so much!
Til i see you again....


Lori Lee Mack
Copyright
03/18/2010
Revised 04/28/2018


Robert Lance Mack
March 18 1967 - June 7 2006
(Our parents 53rd wedding anniversary)
39 years old
Left behind four children
Walk in my shoes as I experience the loss of my brother. True story.
Lori Mack Sep 2018
Bravo!

Wow, bravo!
Look at you go.
You put on a good show.
It was quite convincing my dear.
You could make millions,
With an acting career.

So did you have fun?
Did you get your kicks?
What was the meaning behind all of this?
Did you have a plan?
Just ***** with my life,
Mess with my head,
Sleep by my side,
Pretend you'll make me your wife.

Used me to tend to your house,
Help you raise your two kids,
And pay most of the bills.
Then tell me to kick rocks.
Did that get you off?
Are you sick like that baby?

Or was it to impress others?
I've noticed that you go out of your way to be mr. popular.
Whats a matter hunny still stuck in high school?
Was it an act for parole,
For your business,
Or for the church?
Was it to hurt your ex?

Was I your hobby,
A toy,
A project to show everyone,
You could turn ghetto into class?
Or did you just want to hurt a woman
As bad as the one had hurt you in the past?

Was it for my money,
You had no problem spending that.
All I want to say is,
Bravo,
Well played poser,
Take a bow,
That was a **** good show.
Bravo!

L. Mack

9/16/15
Lori Mack Sep 2018
Battlegrounds

My internal batteries have little juice left.
I have way too far to go yet.
I’ll push till I drop.
Licking my emotional wounds clean at night.
Come morning,
On with the warrior boots,
******* my mental boxing gloves,
Feeling the weight of my emotional bulletproof vest.
There was an important battle to be won.
There were mountains to be climbed.
Knock outs to be served.
My opponants were heavy weight champions,
Wise to the game.
Heart wrenching bullets had to be dodged.
Mental dissection was their specialty.
Which scar shall we open today?
So nany to choose from,
How bout the one that’s still oozing,
Dripping with painful misery.
Give me all you got,
You won't conquer me.
I AM A SURVIVOR!
Stubborness won't let me quit.
Born on these battlegrounds,
Been at war all my life.
I am a experienced solider.
I will win this fight!

L. Mack
2/10/2010
Lori Mack Sep 2018
Still...

To be still with myself.
This i avoid.
It's uncomfortable just yet,
To be still with myself.

Too many thoughts in my head,
For me to untwist and untangle.
Too many memories.
I dont want to live over again.
Too many heartaches unfed.
Too many failures and mistakes,
That can never be earsed.

These i can not unbreak,
And i do not face.
Why be still and reflect on these pains?
It doesnt make them change.

Still is just not me.
That i can not be.
Busy I'll continue to be
Until there is nothing left
But still...
Then i will be still.

Lori L. Mack
10/28/2015
I am now able to be still.
Lori Mack Sep 2018
Naked Silence...

People don’t think much of me these days,
'Cause I’m always depressed, lost and broken.
They make me feel unworthy and pathetic.
'Cause I can’t get myself together.
They choose to think without love.
Saying that this is how I wanna be.
Come on Bra,,,
Who would ever wanna live here?!?!
After opening up my ****** stitched up core,
To reveal the infamous internal horror.
I’m naked again...
Waiting for someone to give a ****.
Again silence…
Naked…
No response...
Shame on me should have known better.
History always repeats itself.
Grasping out for almost any response.
I know I need help, but what the hell!
How many times do you expect me to naked?
Naked silence is all you allow me.
Silence is the demon that is killing me!
You said you were here for me.
Lies, you all say that…
But you give me no response…
Naked...
Don’t ever give hope where there is none.
Every minute, every hour, everyday,
Waiting…
No response…
Naked silence…
It feeds on me.
Draining my drive to survive.
Have to, need to, got to, go on.
Go on... why??
So you can torture me while grinning?
Filled with judgment,
You think you know it all.
Go ahead judge me…
You’ll be judged someday.
But not by me,
You’re gonna wish it was me.
Why didn’t anyone learn from my brother?
Living in silence,
Tortured his naked soul.
So naked…
For all to see,
Yet no response.
Shame on me!
I just left him there naked.
Where’s your shame?!?
You only blame.
39 years of agonizing torment.
He couldn’t hold on anymore.
Exposed to violence and hateful words…
Completely naked.…
Silence…
No response...
Don't you see what it did to him.
Silence slowly smothered him.
Betrayal sliced and snapped his neck.
Shame on me,
I knew the pain.
Shame on you,
For not claiming some blame.
In the mirror I see my brothers reflection.
Haven’t you learned,
Screaming for help...
Naked again…
No response…
History repeats itself.
I gave it my all.
What about you?
I’m not gonna make it all alone in here.
So naked...
So silent...
**** it do you hear me?
Why won't you listen.
Instead..
No response…
Naked silence...
Knocking at my door,
Pure evil silence!
Beating down my door.
Hungry for my core!
Hear me,
Oh God please listen!
Help me!
Completely naked, torn and exposed...
You just sat there ignoring me,
Letting it **** me…
Surrounded by silence.
Completely naked….

L. Mack

03/17/2010
This was written when I was going through a long and intense depression. I no longer feel naked. Hoping this can help someone by letting them know they are not alone and can pull through like I did.
Lori Mack Sep 2018
Never be the same

You will never be the same.
As this life drags slowly by,
It takes all the hostages.
Never showing any mercy.
Deeply digging it’s claws into our souls.
Perishing our loved ones.
Leaving us hollowed and empty.
Suffocating the dreams away.
Scarred, left behind by it’s paralyzing poison of agony and pain.
Drowning hopes and passions.
Cheating children out of their innocence,
And leaving our hearts pierced by its greed.
Smothering our spirits to silence.
Sadly, we know there’s no turning back.
Life as we know it, will cease to exist.
Vaporizing all that was cherished.
With a full belly, it is exiting now.
It will be back soon, evil cravings and all.
To may times this family has been struck.
We are unsure of any future.
It’s time to try to heal, not fix.
How many more can we afford to miss?

L. Mack
02/06/2010
I wrote this after our family suffered 23 deaths in 2 and a half years. It was a very dark time for us. I am in a brighter place now. I share my dark ones to help others and let them know they are not alone. God bless.
Lori Mack Sep 2018
Hi God, it's me...

Hello?
Is anyone out there?
Can You hear me?
God, creator to all,
Please respond to me.
Where are You?
Who are You?
How do You make your decisions?
Lord,
I’m really trying to understand You.
But I find You to be quite complex.
I need some knowledge of Your ways.
Because, all of this...
Doesn’t make any sense.

You encourage us to trust You,
That You will never leave us.
I know many that have and still do,
Worship and praise You.
Only to endure one blow right after another.
Yet still trusting and walking with You.
Forever following Your word,
While suffering unbearable pain.

Would You mind answering some questions for me?
It would be a very precious gift.
Why must there be war?
Why ever let a parent bury their child?
Why not prevent so many tragedies?
Why must God loving christians,
Have to go though long, slow, painful deaths?

Since my father accepted Christ in his life,
He never denied You.
Fighting for You
And for Your will to be done.
Preaching Your word,
Putting bibles in hotel rooms.
He loved You so much Lord.
His eyes lit up with excitement when he spoke of going home (heaven).

I held his hand as he was dying.
It took months for him to pass...
He was child like and so very terrified.
I reminded him of You and told him to go home,
"It's ok daddy,
I'll see you when I get home."
I never seen my father in so much pain.
Lord, why did You wait so long to take him home?

I think You can,
At times, be too harsh.
Some have worked so long and hard for You.
Yet You still watch them struggle...
Jesus died on the cross for our sins,
But we still pay dearly for them.
It seems, that Christians never receive credit for their hard work.
Truly, they are Your humble and meek servants.

Yes, Eve ate the forbidden fruit.
Enticed by Your fallen angel.
If you wanted Father,
Satan would cease to exist.
Why did You give him the power of free will?
Why couldn’t Eve just be forgiven?
Or even taught a lesson.
Instead Your hand was severe and swift.
There was no unconditional love at that moment.
Just fear for them and anger from You.
Lord, do you have a bad temper?

Please I am not trying to insult You,
I'm trying to understand You.
I want to feel closer to You...

Well it was nice talking to You.
I hope to hear from You soon.
I’ll be here waiting and listening for You.
Father God can you forgive us soon?
It sure would be nice to take a stroll with You and visit for awhile.

Love Your daughter,
Lori Mack
02/16/2010
Next page