it’s another sleepless night.

i stare at my blank ceiling for hours upon hours silently calling for you with bloodshot eyes and a tear stained face.

with only my thoughts to keep me company as they ravage my soul
as the voices in my head begin to drown out my memories… of you

oh, how i miss you.

how i long to spend this night in your embrace.

how i long to be enveloped in your warmth.

It was you that gave me strength, and now you’re gone.

You disappeared without a trace, leaving me behind

why is it that i can never truly get what i want?

it hurts.
so much.

i miss you.
so much.

take me home.

darkness, please i beg you — entrap my soul and never set me free.

only let me awaken to your beautiful smile, to your heartwarming laugh.

it’s another sleepless night,
another lonely night.

Falling:

Down.

Down, farther. Faster.

Oxygen is robbed out of my lungs as I continue to fall deeper into this twisted hole.

Free-falling into my doomed fate, there is no end to this wicked hole called Love.

You look into my eyes and I can only fall deeper into your glistening irises — enchanted by your eyes I am incapable of looking away. I melt into your eyes, into your arms. My body becomes jelly, my heart palpitates.

I love you, and there’s nothing I can do.


Dreaming:

Whether or not I’m conscious, my time is spent thinking about you.

I fantasize a reality in which you frequent my house and the resting place of my hands are intertwined in yours.

Where my lips naturally settle upon yours, where I can freely embrace you in my arms.

Where your hands have mended my shattered heart.

I love you, and in my dreams you love me too.


Waking:

Every waking moment, I spend loving — yearning, for you. I yearn for your touch, your love, your attention.

When your enchanting orbs meet mine, I can feel love radiating from my body. I give you everything you desire — in return I only desired you.

No matter the hour, you are always on my mind. Your blinding smile, your echoing laugh, your everlasting kindness. I mirror these factors in hopes that you’d notice me, but you don’t.

I love you, why can't you love me too?


Bandaging:

The consistent crimson wounds on my wrists are nothing compared to the knots in my heart.

My heart was torn out of my chest, it was ripped apart by normally gentle hands — yet they felt rough and coarse as they violently pried apart what was left of my already shriveled heart.

Numbly, I pieced my heart back together and placed it back into my chest, but the pieces were in all the wrong places.

My heart is mangled, but I still love you.

How?


Acknowledging:

I can’t eat, I spend my nights weeping over you.

Loving you has brought me nothing but agony, sheer anguish.

The circles underneath my eyes grow darker, my stomach becoming unhealthily skinnier. My body mirrored the pain I felt inside.

I grew weaker by each passing day, isolated from society the only thing that kept me in reality was the small hope that you could change your mind.

I was wrong.

I’m broken, and I still love you.

Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?


Healing:

Faking the smile I bore daily became easier. Laughing was instinct, not an internal command.

The dark world I had accustomed myself to was penetrated by light. The light of hope, of another day.

I still didn’t sleep, but I was better. Sleeping wasn’t necessary in a time where my heart was being mended. Your beautiful features still graced my thoughts every now and then, but I didn’t recoil or weep.

I laughed, a chuckle that was more heart-wrenching than the most broken cry in the world.

I love you, and that’s okay.


Fading:

The light was fading away.

You had lodged yourself back into my heart — a mending heart that had no room for you.

You captivated me with your charm, again.

I fell into your trap, again.

You played me, again.

I had now way out of this loop.

I love you, and there’s nothing I can do.

You will remain in my heart, ‘til death do us part.

Words cannot describe the feelings I harbor for you.

But this might put it into perspective.

I love you, I guess.

I love you so much; I could pluck out all of the stars in the sky but they would still be nothing compared to your eyes.

I love you so much; I could give you the entire universe but it wouldn’t matter — I’d just be giving you yourself.

I love you so much; my feelings will never fade, even when every last star in the galaxy fades — my love for you will remain.

The only thing is, no matter how grand and beautiful of a galaxy you are in my eyes — I’m nothing more than a single star in yours.

I still love you though, how could I not?

The whole **** universe conspired to help me find you, and I refuse to lose you.

sometimes, i stop kidding myself and i look up at the blank ceiling.

on these nights i let my mind wander, i think back to all of the memories i have repressed; the good, the bad, the ones i try hardest to forget.

and it is on these nights that i truly immerse myself into the child i once was — the lonely child who was constantly ridiculed and betrayed by those she loved most.

i think back to when i was happy, or to when i thought  i was happy.

flashes of brightness, smiles and laughter.

fake.

like him.

for how could i forget how he made me feel, and how i thought he felt the same?

he was like a storm, a whirlwind of spontaneousness and raw emotion; but truly like a storm, he wreaked havoc and destroyed everything in his path.

me.

i open my eyes, my bloodshot eyes, and remember why i became this way.

i got lost in the storm.