In the dead black sky
I found you
Through the dark grey clouds
You shine through

Gracefully twinkling
That's what you do
Wishful thinking:
you whispered, "I love you."

Love is a salesman i'll never let in,
Yet he won't go away-
always overdoes his stay.
I offer him a drink or a slice of bread,
He takes it all in as if he's underfed.

Love sells to the ones who dream of much hope.
Building your confidence, fighting your fears,
But when needed seems to be nowhere near.
After all of this time you think one would learn,
Yet for some crazy reason we let love return.

a gas pedal pressed all
the way to the floor
passing all of the lights & not feeling
your heartbeat in the flicker
a quick approaching bend
(& i'm so sorry but)
how i wouldn't slowdown
the split second where time freezes
& my life flashes before my eyes
seeing a worn out repeat of
you walking away
my name rolling off your tongue
one last time
so i can hear it fade out
pinpointing the moment
i completely lost myself
chasing you but
running in place
while time speeds back up
praying in the debris
that there's a parallel universe
where you stayed
these permanent footprints
facing away from me
that show up in the pavement
wherever i go now
every single night
you were in love with me
& the accompanying bottle
the haunting resemblance of
your promises to me
in poems about him
how i've got nothing else to bet on
because you were my all in
this fire you've started
in a forest that was never yours
how much time we would have had
if we measured it in the moments
i loved you the hardest
my apology for
missing you this much  
even though you're still here

I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****.
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.