i know this is just what i'm like because this is how i've felt every time i've gotten emotionally close to someone and i don't want to tell you what's wrong and i don't want to admit that i am sad inside because you like me well enough as it is and i don't want to ruin that. i don't want you to worry about me because i know i'll be fine and i'll be better and this sadness i've felt inside for the past six years doesn't define me and doesn't determine whether or not i should be loved. if anything love is something i know i deserve and maybe will help the effects the sadness has on me but i know how it feels to be hurt and my mind tries to pick and choose certain moments to try and disprove everything that you've told me because how? i look in the mirror and i can't see what you see and although that doesn't mean it isn't there they say seeing is believing and how can i believe something i don't see? my legs ache and my stomach hurts and the emptiness in my chest wants me, begs me to find some sort of control and i can't. this isn't something that is able to be controlled or manipulated. it happens or it doesn't, and that's just it.

When they stopped talking to me,
I knew I shouldn't have been surprised,
but I was,
and more importantly,
I was hurt.
Friends for years, and when I leave, I guess they leave too.

I do not need a higher power
To know
That I
Am meant to be here
I may never understand
Just why
But I
Am perfectly happy
Not knowing
Perfectly okay with the possibility
That I
May never know.

I will not say I love you like the rest
I will not put it in words
Instead
My love
Will come in reminders
In late night hellos
In moments of disbelief where I'll wonder out loud
How you possibly love something like this
My love
Will come in touch
In palms attempting to comfort shoulder
My love
Will come in laughs
In nudges
In squeezing of the hand
In the way my eyes fill with admiration
Every time I kiss you
And look at you
I will love you
But I will never tell you
That I do.

I don't want to lose my family,but am doing everything to lose them.