It's growing from the back of my brain until it consumes me in its entirety. It started when I was young, little voices speaking to me, telling me about my self worth and my placement in society. It grew into a sort of friend who had the upper hand over me. She was always there standing next me when I would get dressed in the morning, or when I was standing on the scale...
It's funny how you don't realize what's happening until you're in too deep staring at a plate of food and seeing it turn into the lumps on my thighs. Staring into the toilet, watching your tears and sweat drip into the water. Staring at your wrist wondering how you ever lost yourself... I suppose people sympathize with you more when you're young because you're just now discovering how terribly awful the world is, and how terribly awful the weight of gravity seems to hang around into your twenties. I wonder if people can see her. I wonder if people can see this being that hangs around me, holding me down when I just need to get out of bed. She's growing.
5.28.15
There was a time in my life several years ago when I struggled with an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. I still carry these things around with me, but in a different light. Now I try to harness these emotions into creativity, into words. This little free verse was written about this time in my life, I reflect on it a lot.